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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hand hold please

48 replies

Amioverreacting123 · 16/08/2019 19:57

My dp has struggled with drug and alcohol issues and has done so well staying clean and dry up until tonight. I’m pregnant - nearly 6 months. Due to move into a new house with him at the end of the month. Paid off a load of his drinking debts and now after a argument over the phone about him socialising and not coming home I’ve thrown my phone at the floor and it’s bounced up and hit the tv and broke it. More expense.
Can someone give me a hug I don’t want this life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amioverreacting123 · 16/08/2019 23:00

Considering getting in the kids bed but don’t see why I should have a shit nights sleep courtesy of him

OP posts:

ravenshope · 16/08/2019 23:02

So sorry.
Don't move in with him

peachgreen · 16/08/2019 23:04

You and your children deserve better. Get rid of this waste of space.

WhyBirdStop · 16/08/2019 23:27

Tell him to go and stay with his mate tonight and you'll talk to him when he's sober. He's an alcoholic, he can't have one or two drinks. He's also deliberately trying to provoke you or upset you, telling you he's sat telling a random woman about your relationship problems!

You've been very sensible keeping the new place in your name. This will be a fresh start but for you and your children, not him.

Original poster

Amioverreacting123 · 16/08/2019 23:36

Told him to not bother coming home but this is what he wants to hear and I bet the morning it will be my fault because I kicked off at home having a good tome which lead him to stay out all night.
It’s like he’s orchestrated the argument because he knows I will lose my temper and say well stay out then. Because that’s what I said even though he said he would come home.

Fighting a losing battle here aren’t I.

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TheBouquets · 16/08/2019 23:45

IMO there is only one thing to say to this guy in the morning and that is F OFF!
You have mentioned you have kids (or maybe just kid's beds) either way his conduct is not what you should allow around any kids.

You have coped with (possibly) having kids and a drunk, think how much easier it will be to only have kids in your house and under your care.
Why have you lied to your sister so that she does not think bad of him. What she is going to think when she finds out is that he is a piece of crap and you are helping him and being daft. You should not alienate your sister or any other family you have, you may well need them
You dont need this dead beat, Just off load him. Jam up the door and lock the windows any nonsense and call the police you are pregnant and (possibly) have kids at home. You dont need this rubbish.

Motoko · 17/08/2019 01:21

You shouldn't have lied to your sister. He deserves to be thought of badly, because what he's doing is bad.

I'm glad the house is in your name. Tomorrow, you need to tell him to pack his bags, it's over. I know it'll be hard, but living with him drunk, or worrying about him getting drunk, will be even harder, and it's not good for DC to experience this.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/08/2019 01:29

You can get support from Al-anon. This will help you understand his behaviour and how none of this is your fault.

I personally would move without him. He needs to prove to you that he values you and the DC. Some space will also help you work out what you want

Handholding tonight

BrokenLogs · 17/08/2019 01:29

You can't do this to your DC, moving someone so feckless in to their lives.

Weenurse · 17/08/2019 01:31

Time for him to go

SimplySteveRedux · 17/08/2019 01:47

So you've paid off his debts, his return thanks is to relapse, gaslight and goad you, then essentially tell you that you're a controlling bitch and he's spilling his guts "to a girl".

Please don't do the pick me dance, this is no life for you and your baby. You know what you need to do, you cannot trust this man and with old friends he will relapse often, with one drink turning into many each time.

Leave the broken telly too!

SimplySteveRedux · 17/08/2019 01:50

Ugh, drugs too? Cannabis or hard drugs?

Nothing you say makes this man appear in a good light. I'm sorry for what you're going through

My uncle was an alcoholic, his addiction saw him living on the streets, he died on a park bench one night.

confusedat30 · 17/08/2019 01:59

My ex and father of my 3 children is a recovering addict. Nearly 5 years clean now, but before that it was years and years of relapse and heartache. The day he got clean I knew something was different and it would stick, went from not trusting him one bit to feeling full trust almost over night. When it happens you'll know but he's got to want to help himself. Until then you need to concentrate on you and baby. (We've split now but he's the most amazing dad, we share the kids 50/50 and I wouldn't do that unless he was up to the job, sometimes better then me I think)

Graphista · 17/08/2019 02:03

You would be irresponsible to stay with this loser.

You and your DC (whether they're his or whatever) deserve better, I speak as the child of an alcoholic, I WISH my mother had left him instead we were subjected to all the crap that comes with addiction in the family.

It is NO life for any child BELIEVE ME.

Tell your sister and anyone else relevant the truth, stop defending and protecting this selfish arsehole!

Move into the new place without him and bin him off.

He clearly isn't really ready to get sober.

How long had he supposedly been sober for? It doesn't sound like very long.

Even IF someone chooses to stay with an addict the general advice is for the addict to live elsewhere if possible while getting sober and for their partner to only CONSIDER taking them back if there is long term recovery already in place.

It sounds as if his abstinence was recent and very short lived and only done because you gave him an ultimatum?

Addicts don't get better until THEY want to and even then it's not guaranteed.

Original poster

Amioverreacting123 · 17/08/2019 02:55

So he’s just rolled home. Only after I’ve rang to find out where the f#*% he is! He said ‘shall I come home or stay here?’ Why you asking me? You’ve not given a fuck up until now so why don’t you stay at your mates have some more fun drink some more beer let him tell you how unreasonable I am for a bit longer.

Next thing I’ve heard the door go and he’s pulled the recliner up so even in his pissed up state he’s got some sense to leave me be.

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imaflutteringkite · 17/08/2019 03:12

OP I've been here. Ten years I spent with someone just like this. It messed with me and it messed with our kids. He frequently went to AA making noises about getting sober and also off drugs, then he'd see his mates and it'd all unravel again. When we had an argument he'd regularly tell whichever girl he had his eye on at that time how unreasonable I was and then relay this information back to me as proof. I didn't have the house in my name and it was a nightmare to leave but eight years on me and the kids are in such a better place and looking back now I can see how awful the relationship was. You're in a better position than I was as the house is in your name. Please don't put up with this from him. Good luck.

FuckFacePlatapus · 17/08/2019 03:56

So you come on here and asked for advice, yet ignored everyone and rang him?

FireBloodAndIce · 17/08/2019 07:35

This won't get better, only worse. He's not willing to take responsibility for himself and a debt ridden alcoholic who screws over providing for his child will not be a good father and awful partner.

You can either continue as you are, enabling him and harming yourself and then your child, or you can tell him to leave and hope that he makes the choice to sort himself out sooner than later for your baby/kids.

Original poster

Amioverreacting123 · 17/08/2019 07:42

Yeah i did ring him it was half 2 and he’s still not back so yeah wanted to know where he was because he’s taking the proverbial piss.
Don’t think it was unreasonable for me to do so either.

He’s downstairs sleeping still so gonna get up get sorted and get out of the house for the day. See what he says when he wakes up but I’m not putting up with this anymore. Not for me not for the baby. The kids are his just for clarity.

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Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/08/2019 08:06

Hi OP, just read your thread. You say that your partner has been going to AA meetings - it's easy to go and sit there without any of it going in. Does he have a sponsor and is he doing the steps? And doing service?

I'd take myself off for the day if I were you. He'll probably be suffering from remorse and guilt, and it's his sponsor (if he has one) or other alcoholics who should be dealing with the fallout.

I'd seriously consider not moving with him and I speak as a recovering alcoholic.

Original poster

Amioverreacting123 · 17/08/2019 08:36

He was enjoying going and even encouraged some of his friends who have similar problems to go and I was like wow who is this man who stands before me! Beaming with pride.

As far as I’m aware he doesn’t have a sponsor but he does speak to people from the group via Facebook messenger. But yeah think it’s good idea to go out for the day. Don’t know where though, tv shopping maybe? Haha

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SimplySteveRedux · 17/08/2019 08:38

The problem with ringing him is he will develop a feeling of invincibility, that no matter what he does you will chase after him.

Original poster

Amioverreacting123 · 17/08/2019 08:57

Never thought about it like that. Probably why he does it.

Just left the house for the day, he said what time are you back? I said 3am and shut the door.

Hope he’s rough as arseholes today!

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