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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel on little bro

20 replies

WhatIsThis1 · 16/08/2019 08:57

We have a dysfunctional family. I have a little half brother 18 years younger than me, he is 19. I am married with kids. When mum divorced little bro's dad he went to live with his dad and didn't see my mum for a couple of years as he blamed her as she had an affair. Bro's dad didn't help by telling him all the sordid details. Not excusing her affair but her husband was emotionally abusive, I witnessed it many times and was relieved when she left him. Mum is desperate for a relationship with bro, but when they are together she annoys him and he seems to punish her by ignoring her regularly.

Anyway, we have got together with mum a handful of times but the two are always sniping at each other. They are both overly sensitive and take everything the other says the wrong way. At the moment little bro is ignoring mum again. Yes mum should be the adult, but little bro does seem to want to punish her too.

My relationship with little bro suffered as usually he would cut me off whenever he cut mum off, he ignored the birth of my child, he never says happy birthday to me or seems interested in my life. But then my life probably isn't very interesting to a 19 year old boy. I have invited him to family events but he always declines.

The last time we got together at mums (before he started ignoring her again) the two were weird, like competing for my attention. Bro would talk to me and mum would interrupt and vice versa, mum relished in telling him how we had been out for an evening and bro responded by asking me to go out with him, they were like two little kids fighting for attention.

Bro messaged me asking me to go out with him tomorrow night, normally he has cancelled by now but so far hasn't. I do feel he only wants to see me to wind mum up, and it's a massive headache arranging getting to and from his town to meet, arranging childcare, DH works til late so will need babysitter until he returns and he is irritated that I won't be here when he gets back and at the expense of the babysitter and travel. Bro won't come here as wants to go to his local pub with me and have a proper night out (possibly to rub into mums face).

It feels alot of effort for someone who has put no effort into being part of my life and drops me for no reason regularly, but then he is just a kid. I don't want to go, it will be full of young people and puts DH out and is costly. But then if I cancel he might not reach out again...

So wibu to cancel or should I go?

OP posts:

AmIThough · 16/08/2019 09:04

If you don't want to go, don't go.
If you think he only wants to see you as he wants to upset DM, don't go.

If you want a relationship with him, go.
At least if it doesn't work you know you've tried.

Do you go out often? Tell DH to grow up - he can survive without you being there when he gets home.

73Sunglasslover · 16/08/2019 09:05

I think it would do family relations no good at all to cancel on him at last minute for no good reason - clearly the babysitting issue was the same when you agreed to this. He is young and still maturing so there is a chance that even if this is game playing, you, as the mature adult here, could shape the evening into something genuine and enjoyable. It sounds like your little bro has not always had parents who are being emotionally mature so he may take a bit longer to grow up than others. Give him a chance perhaps.

Medievalist · 16/08/2019 09:12

I'd cut a 19 year old with a dysfunctional upbringing a bit of slack to be honest. It would be nice if he saw his big sis as someone dependable in his life.

Original poster

WhatIsThis1 · 16/08/2019 09:13

I go out maybe once a month, DH is usually ok but that's because it's local whereas this is further away.

Tbh I thought he would have cancelled by now.

I have tried to help bro as his parents aren't great, I say this as a child of one of them. I love mum but she can be hard work and selfish. I have never lived with bro but he used to come and stay with me all the time, even as a baby and toddler I would have him stay while at uni. Then in the teen years, with the break up he pushed me away.

I think I have to go and try don't I?

OP posts:

namechangedforthis1980 · 16/08/2019 09:18

I'd go.

Like a PP said, having a dependable person in his life could be the thing he needs.

MRex · 16/08/2019 09:21

Can you ask little bro to meet somewhere more convenient for you? It's rather off for your DH to be unsupportive about one night out in a month, especially to see family who you don't go out with often. I'd be very unimpressed if my DH got grumpy in that situation.

I'd try to keep things friendly with both, that makes it easier for them to reconcile in future. Regarding birthdays etc, my DN is the same and a similar age, teenagers can be very self-centred; he's lovely in person but wouldn't think about DS, birthdays etc. I figure he'll be more thoughtful when he's older and it's better to keep things friendly now.

Medievalist · 16/08/2019 09:35

*Then in the teen years, with the break up he pushed me away.

I think I have to go and try don't I?*

Of course you do. People often push others away as a means of testing just how much they care. Or avoiding further hurt ('I'll hurt them before they can hurt me')

Original poster

WhatIsThis1 · 16/08/2019 09:36

He doesn't drive and has limited funds so will be lots of hassle for him to meet in my town. As I'm the grown up I kinda feel bad asking him to make the effort.

OP posts:

Bigmango · 16/08/2019 09:43

My brother is 10 years younger than me and has only recently at 26 started messaging me on my birthday etc. But crap but a lovely guy and I just put it down to him being young. 19 is still a baby really. Poor kid sounds like he has had a rough ride. If his dad was emotionally abusive to your mum, I’m sure he also was to your brother. Your mum also sounds like she isn’t acting like a mum to him. He is allowed to squabble like a kid, she isn’t. I think he is reaching out to you and you should take that. As a pp said, cut him some slack. Treat him as a kid rather than a fully grown adult. It sounds as if he could really do with some support after a pretty dysfunctional upbringing.

Wasrelaxing · 16/08/2019 09:44

I’m the younger half sibling and when I was young I didn’t care what my elder siblings did. 30 years later we have nothing to do with each other.
I believe that’s because my siblings, being older, should have made the effort to forge a relationship with me.

Original poster

WhatIsThis1 · 16/08/2019 09:50

Yeah I know, I will go. As a child mum was close to him, and a better mum to him than she was to me... But she was a single mum to me and young. When she had the affair I think she broke his heart and he will never really forgive her, his dad telling him explicit details and calling mum a slag etc has made it worse. I always hated bro's dad, he was really creepy and inappropriate to me.

Bro seems to be stuck feeling he owes his dad his loyalty and contact with me and mum betrays that. He must be pretty messed up.

Mum has always been more of a friend and sisterly relationship with me than a mother. I think she resents me because I ruined her youth by being born. It's got better since she left bro's dad.

OP posts:

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 16/08/2019 09:50

He sounds like he has had a miserable upbringing that was very dysfunctional and now he doesn't quite know where he fits in. He is only 19 years old, his behaviour sounds pretty typical for someone that age. I think if you cancel on him then it will show you really don't care about him and I wouldn't expect him to try again.

greenwaterbottle · 16/08/2019 09:52

Sorry bro, my babysitter has cancelled. Come here and we'll have pizza and beer and a food chat.

Then I guess you'll see how important you are.

differentnameforthis · 16/08/2019 12:12

We can't answer this, can we?

You either want a relationship with him, or you don't.

You don't actually sound like you like him much, and your mu would rather play tit for tat games with him, so I am not surprised he is "off" and constantly cutting his mum off tbh

Original poster

WhatIsThis1 · 16/08/2019 12:29

Oh I adore him, I just felt that it was an expensive evening that we can't really afford due to childcare and travel. And to be honest the venue is a "young person's" place which I know I won't enjoy/fit in. And while I understand the ignoring and can excuse it due to youth and parents it still hurts when I am regularly cut off for doing nothing. But I do love him!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2019 12:41

Have you ever actually had a conversation with him about all this?

Original poster

WhatIsThis1 · 16/08/2019 12:49

I have tried but he doesn't want to talk about it and when he is talking to me I don't want to push it and then push him away. I tell him I love him and send money when he asks and take him for food, invite him over etc.

OP posts:

BlueSkiesLies · 16/08/2019 12:53

Ask him to come to yours as you mr struggling for childcare and you’ll cook dinner.

Original poster

WhatIsThis1 · 16/08/2019 13:24

I did suggest that originally but he wants to go out as apparently I'm more fun when I'm not in mum-mode! Also the cynic in me thinks he wants pics of us out having fun so he can post them and wind my mum up!

OP posts:

greenwaterbottle · 16/08/2019 13:39

But if your babysitter cancels then there's nothing he can do about that.

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