To feel like low self esteem is just being realistic?

[Jadefeather7]

I’ve always had low self esteem as far as I can remember. I had a mother who was quite critical and negative so as a child I always felt that I wasn’t good enough in terms of my education, my personality, looks etc.

In my early twenties I lost a lot of weight and started to get a bit of attention and compliments which helped for a while, Eventually gained the weight and it stopped. That was probably when I was most content.
I’ve done well in my education and career but suffer from imposter syndrome.

I’m pretty introverted and don’t have many friends which makes me feel like I have a crap personality.

In the meantime I married someone who I think the world off but I feel is too good for me in every way. My husband is smart, charming, handsome, funny etc. In fact some people I know that have come to know my husband have commented on these things about him and how lucky I am so it’s not just me being starry eyed. I wish I had those traits. I have a baby now and I obsessively wish for my baby to be like DH and not like me.

Anyway I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Sometimes I think it’s something that can be overcome (maybe with therapy) other times I think I’m just being realistic about who and what I am and the fact that I am not who I would really like to be.

Well it doesn't actually sound like you're being realistic does it?

You have a family that loves you, and a baby that loves and needs you. Being lucky enough to have a wonderful husband doesn't mean you don't deserve that.

And you have done well in your career as well. Being introverted doesn't reduce your value, because your value as a human being isn't actually linked to your career or the number of friends you have or your appearance.

You are a human and you have value simply because of that. And you deserve to be able to value yourself.

Realistic is recognising your bad qualities but not really giving a shit because you know you've got good qualities as well (eg I'm quiet and dont have loads of friends but I'm also a good listener and loyal and so once you're my friend we tend to be friends for a long time).

I think low self esteem is concentrating on the bad more than the good and letting it cloud your judgement and behaviour.

If your husband is decent and everyone likes him he could probably have chosen a few different partners yet he chose you, out of everyone else...why do you think that was? Would he see qualities in you that he'd be happy to see in your child?

Ps it's taken me a long time to realise as work and media and society isn't always set up that way...but introvert isn't a negative. It's just a preference for how you like interacting. Like a preference for a flavour of ice cream

Being realistic means you understand your strengths and weaknesses enough to captilisenoj the former and minimise the latter. What you have dear chronically low self-esteem and that is nothing to be proud about. You’ve probably heard about self-fulfilling prophecies right? Believe you are shit for long enough and you eventually become shit. You need to help yourself by getting out of this trap.

I found Martin Seligman's The Optimistic Child a very interesting read. It talks about these issues and gives practical advice.

can i recommend Carol S Pearson's The hero within and then her other book ''awakening the heroes within''. I used to feel that things were different (easier) for other people, that that was just a fact. I was quite negative though.

Totally recommend stepping OUT of the orphan archetype which by the way is not all bad, because when you're extremely vulnerable, shoring up resources and not risking them is a good survival tactic but you want to do more than just survive long term.

Those books explain how to quieten down that inner voice that you think is realism, but is just one mindset that you're over identifying with.

You need a bit of Warrior!!

No, I don't think so. I don't think you should be down on yourself.

You have a lovely husband - you list off his qualities, he's obviously with you because he loves you, he sounds amazing, he wouldn't be with someone who's a horrible person!

Obviously your childhood and having someone say horrible things has massively affected you... I think some kind of counselling to help with self esteem like you say might be the right route to go?

It's really sad that the time you were most content was when you'd lost the weight and were getting comments, doing well in your career is so much more important and just the person you are in general.

Could you try to make new friends or try a new hobby?

Self esteem is so important, I'd look into counselling... good luck :)

how lucky I am I hate people telling others they're lucky to have met someone nice. Why shouldn't you?Your husband obviously can see your good qualities. You didn't win him in a raffle!

I really don't think it is being realistic. I used to think so but not anymore. For years I had this image of myself in my mind but nearly everyone I know seems to see me differently. People say things about me (good things) that would never have occurred to me - but enough people say it so I suppose there must be some truth in it.

As a person with low self esteem, I agree completely! However, from the outside looking in I don't think it's true. I've never heard anyone else say that but that's what I always say. Perhaps we are peas in a pod...

The thing is, when you do have low self-esteem the corresponding low opinion of yourself seems completely ‘realistic’. You see yourself through that lens. It can be a tough one to beat because, at least in my experience, that voice that tells you the negative stuff is very resistant to change. Therapy can be very helpful, but does how you feel stop you doing anything or living as you’d like to? If yes, it’s worth working on, if no and it’s a problem that rears up only in certain situations, the kind of awareness you’ve stated ie people in your early life put those ideas there, may be your best help.

Low self esteem and realism are very different things. I want my children to be like my DH in some ways (I think he has many amazing qualities and very beautiful eyes), but I know there are qualities I have that I'd like to pass on too. I'm not perfect, I am slightly lazy, too sarcastic for my own good and probably taller than strictly necessary but I'm alright and my kids love me which makes me happy.
It's worth talking to someone about your self esteem if it's stopping you enjoying what you have (and accepting what you don't)

Thanks all, I’ll check out those books.

With DH we got together when I was feeling good about myself. I can understand why at that point he may have seen something in me. I don’t think I’ve ever had much of a ‘personality’. I’m nice enough but not very interesting, witty, charming etc. I relied on looks a lot at that time but now I’m older and fatter so don’t even have that to look to. With my career I fell like it’s all the result of hard work and luck rather than anything else.

I can’t remember the last time anyone said anything nice about me whereas people are always saying such things things about or to DH about himself. I feel like there’s nothing really exceptional about me. I’m just sort of ‘blah’

Jade. Have a read back of your post and see what stands out. I noticed you saying you drew your partner to you when you were feeling positive about yourself - and we give off ‘signals’ when we feel positive that draw others to us. You feel your achievements are down to luck and hard work - I guess they apply in everyone’s lives and another way of seeing this might be to say that you took opportunities and saw they were there, but you had the discipline to make them work out. You may have gained weight since you met your partner, and he will have changed some too. Change is inevitable. You are still you.