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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - how would you respond?

18 replies

grizzlybearatemyhomework · 15/08/2019 20:36

There is a family gathering for a 50th out of town, which the whole extended family is invited to, but it’s at the weekend and we were only told today (I have a feeling it was organised much earlier, but we as a family are not well known for our organisation or communication skills). It’s an evening thing, and a couple of hours drive away, so not practical with my DS who is not a great sleeper so has a fairly strict bedtime routine. I replied and said thanks for the invite but if we can’t get DH’s DPs to babysit or my best friend, we would have to give it a miss. It has been responded in the chat (with DH tagged into the message) that he should stay at home so I can go alone. Although this is something we did consider whilst privately talking about it, AIBU to feel offended, especially on behalf of DH, that he should be told to stay at home like that? How would you respond?!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 15/08/2019 20:38

Yabu. Surely it's better for one of you to attend rather than both missing it?

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 15/08/2019 20:41

i might consider it for a favourite relative, but not for the saddo BIL or overly vivacious Aunt

just repeat "if only there had been more notice, what a shame it wasn't organised better....." and have a nice evening with your dh instead.

summersherewishiwasnt · 15/08/2019 20:43

It is rude for them suggest cutting your dh out of the evening. Besides do they think you are so thick you hadn’t thought of that idea.
Experience has taught me to eagerly play along with having it all sorted and really looking forward to it. Then cancel last minute, can’t be dealing with passive aggression for not “making the effort “.

HeffaLump1 · 15/08/2019 20:44

Bit patronising that they think you need telling. If they've thought of it, obviously you would already have!

NoSauce · 15/08/2019 20:46

People find offence in absolutely everything these days.

It was just a suggestion, you said you might not be able to go if you can’t get a babysitter so the obvious choice would be for DH to stay at home so you don’t miss out 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
grizzlybearatemyhomework · 15/08/2019 20:47

@formerbabe we had thought about and considered DH staying at home so I wouldn’t miss out. I think I’m most offended by him being directly told to stay at home, and by going would make me feel like he’s not welcome (even though I’m aware that’s a bit irrational)!

OP posts:
Original poster
grizzlybearatemyhomework · 15/08/2019 20:49

@NoSauce I think it’s more being directly told to stay at home is a bit rude and tactless. I’m not offended if you think I’m BU 😊

OP posts:
NoSauce · 15/08/2019 20:53

It depends on your family I guess. Some families are pretty forthcoming and straight to the point, I guessed that’s what happened here, I could be wrong obviously.

TabbyMumz · 15/08/2019 20:54

So they invite you late, then are putting the pressure on. Rude. It's an invite, not a summons. I'd ignore. Do not respond. You've said you're not going. Rude of them to push. The more you respond, the more they push.

NoSauce · 15/08/2019 20:57

The OP hasn’t said she can’t go, only if her PILs or friend couldn’t babysit she be wouldn’t be going.

Singlenotsingle · 15/08/2019 21:00

Does DH actually want to go to the event? A 50th for someone he doesn't really know! He might be happier staying at home with the dc.

Original poster
grizzlybearatemyhomework · 15/08/2019 21:04

We are a large family, but generally very close. My DH and I have been together 12 years and he’s very much a part of the family. Usually we wouldn’t say something like that to one another, which is why I’m very surprised by it (but not in a good way). The general response would have normally been ‘no worries, hope you can make it’ type thing.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 15/08/2019 21:08

It’s ridiculous, of course you thought of that and it’s between you and dh.

Jeez, the nerve of some people!

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 21:21

I wouldn’t be offended, I was thinking all the way through why doesn’t one stay home?

Elieza · 15/08/2019 21:56

I’d be saying to them that “DH already offered but I declined, it’s not fair he misses out, we get so few of nights out now. Perhaps if we’d had more notice it would have been easier to get a sitter, fingers crossed we can get someone and we can both come”.

peachgreen · 15/08/2019 21:59

Seems a fairly reasonable suggestion to me. If my husband's family were having a reunion of their extended family and we couldn't find a babysitter or attend with our child I'd definitely be happy for him to go on his own. Of course they're my family too but if both of us can't be there, at least one of us can, and given it's his blood relatives it makes sense for it to be him. Why should we both miss out?

Hecateh · 15/08/2019 23:32

YABU
It's a suggestion

You consider the suggestion

YOU decide

without people suggesting things that we haven't considered life will be very constrained. You don't have to go along with the suggestion but sometimes it is a solution you haven't considered.

He wasn't TOLD to stay at home - it was a compromise suggested!

Cherrysoup · 15/08/2019 23:41

If my family suggested this, I'd be well pissed off. It's not up to them to suggest that and it's their stupid fault for not being organised. To me, it would mean that they weren't bothered about seeing him, like he wasn't particularly important.

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