Sisters DH has taken payday loans out to gamble. How to make her see sense and leave?

[MadeForThis]

Hi

I'm looking for some advice on how to help my dsis. Her DH has taken out payday loans and used them to gamble. This is the second time. They are only married 18 months. Before they got married everyone begged her not to marry him. If there was a checklist for everything you would hate in a DH Amherst would tick each box.
Problem drinker
Quits jobs
Gambling
Payday loans
Dd he barely sees
Depression but stopped medication
Goes missing for days. Drinking.
Skips work to drink and lies about it. He has spent all day texting her pretending to be in work when he's in the pub.
She pays most bills and is in significant debt to pay for the wedding. All in her name.

Last time he took the payday loans he confessed to her and she went guarantor on a loan to pay them off. This was about 6 months ago. This time she opened a letter and found out about more payday loans.

How can I help her? She has lost some friends due to him and the rest are just frustrated with constantly advising her to leave and it being forgiven and forgotten again.

I'm concerned about how much she is drinking. She admits she has a problem but won't deal with it. Or can't.

It's such a toxic relationship.

I live in another country but they are both visiting this weekend. How do I deal with this? She hasn't confided in me about the latest payday loans but her friend told me today.

I want to help her but she seems unable to leave. If I'm honest I would love to tell him what I think of him.

You cant make her see sense or leave him.

It's awful, but you cant make her do anything.

And trying to force her to see it, will push her further away.

Sorry you are having to witness this

As frustrating and heartbreaking as it is, unfortunately you can't help her.

By all means remind her that you've always got an open door and a spare bed, but any decisions about the relationship need to come from her.

I have a friend that has been in a relationship with a cocaine addict for 11 years. He is vile and treats her like dirt. In the beginning, I tried everything to make her see sense but she always wanted to give him one more chance.

The point is, nothing you say or do will force her to leave unless she absolutely wants to. You need to be there for her and support her, but you can’t convince or force her leave him.

I agree, you can't make her see the truth if she's keeping her eyes shut.

The best thing you can do for her is nurture your relationship so that she'll have someone to confide in and who will support her if/when the relationship ends in disaster.

Also, refuse to loan money if they ask. It will be wasted and won't help your sis.

Did you post this yesterday?

She has to wake up and see for her self sadly, there is nothing you can do or say. Don't slag him relentlessly though, because if you drive her away, she wont have any safe place to come back to.
Do not lend her any money and hide your purse and cards

You can't make her do anything, unfortunately. It is down to her.

If you push, you'll push her away.

Definitely hide any cash, cards etc!

Often the more people tell someone to leave them the more they stay with them. Don't say too much just let her know you support all of her decisions and hopefully she will make the right decision soon and leave him.

You all need to stop telling her to leave someone she loves. That has to be her decision when she is ready.

Pressuring her and lecturing her will just make her withdraw from you and become stuck closer to him and isolated. By repeatedly telling her to leave you're making it clear you disapprove, and whether you mean to or not it communicates that you're judging her for marrying him, for loving him, for staying with him, for trusting him - and by extension that you'll just say "I told you so" if she left him.

None of which is helpful.

It's your job to support her until she's ready and to do the small things you can to help her get closer to being ready to make that decision herself. You need to be somebody she can turn to without fear of reproach when things are tough.

It is not for you to decide what she does. It's her life and she has to make her own decisions.

There is some useful advice here:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

@SpoooyGhost I posted yesterday in chat but got no response. Thought I'd try here.

Thanks for confirming what I suppose I knew. I have told her numerous times that I will be here for her no matter what. I know she has to make her own decision. It's so hard thinking for a few months that everything has calmed down then being told of another disaster.

I hate that this is her life.

She's 38 and was single for a long time before meeting him. They are planning a baby. Although she insists she won't start trying until he sorts himself out. She is still on birth control.

I just wish there was some way to fix him, then she could have the family she dreamed of. I think she's scared of being alone. She must love him though. She surely wouldn't stay unless he had some good points.

Ironically this weekend was going to be a chance to spend some time with him and get to know him a bit better. Wish he wasn't coming now.

She doesn't know that her friend told me about the latest payday loans. I'm guessing the best course of action is to pretend I don't know??

Unfortunately it sounds as though her self esteem is way in the toilet. Nothing you can say or do is going to change that, or make her wake up and leave him. That's something she has to realise on her own, and it may never come. God help any innocent child that they end up having. She'll never leave him then.

If there's any way you can prevent him from coming this weekend, then do it. But if not, then make sure every single valuable item, including cash, credit cards etc, is locked away, because otherwise he will try and steal it. I'd follow him around like a hawk and be very open about why.

I can't imagine him stealing from us but then I'm just incredulous at everything that has happened so far. I never could have imagined she would have married someone that treats her like this.

I will make sure he isn't given any opportunity to steal.

There's no possibility of him not coming.

Part of me wants to spend some time with him. Maybe I'll see a bit of what she sees in him. Ha!! Most of me just wishes he would do the decent thing and leave her. He regularly threatens to leave and stays overnight with his dm. But it's usually a manufactured argument so he can go drinking.

I hate that my dsis has to deal with this.

The sad thing with gamblers is that while they have an enabler they will continue doing it. By paying his way your sister is allowing him to keep gambling. Sometimes a person has to be left with nothing and no one before they realise the consequences of their actions. I don't know if you can try and make her see this? Ultimately you can't make her leave him but it'll be a miserable existence for her living with this.

The one thing you can and must do is refuse to lend any money if they ask. And I'm sure either she will feel pushed too of he will hint. You cannot enable them by lending money which is what will happen if you do.

Tell your sister you are there to support her, whatever she choses and remind her you love her.

He's a gambler so keep valuables locked up, especially ipads (can you tell my family has been burnt by similar) and if she has an alcohol issue just don't have loads in the house.

Thanks for the support. It's so hard to think rationally and not just react emotionally. I know I can't risk pushing her away.

I can't admit that I know about the latest episode as I don't want to ruin her trust in her friend. She needs us all now.