To be devastated my friend has ghosted me?

[Nuckyscarnation]

I moved back to the NE from London last June. I was pregnant with twins and moved home to be nearer family.

I had a friend in London who I had known for the eight years I lived there. The sort of person who you meet and they change your entire outlook on life. I genuinely love and adore her. I thought we would always be friends and that nothing could ever change that.

We went out for a meal a few days before I left. Promises of coming to visit when the babies were born etc. Stayed in touch on a regular basis right up until February this year. Our last message conversation was talking about how I was going to come to London in April to see her and how she would come up for babies christening and wouldn’t miss it for the world.

After this message I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks. Didn’t think much of it, but messaged her to see how she was. Message was delivered but not read. That has been it! No response to subsequent messages, texts and calls have gone unanswered. I got so worried that I messaged a friend of hers I know to ask if she was OK. She expressed surprise saying friend was fine. She did say she had been super stressed with uni and work, but couldn’t give an explanation as to why I was being ignored.

I am just utterly devastated It was the twins birthday party at the weekend. I sent her a Facebook invite to it and a week later she deleted her Facebook. I have obviously been deleted from her life in a similar fashion. I just feel so so sad. Has anyone else experienced similar? What did you do if so?

I just can’t believe I might never see her again. It’s breaking my heart

I’ve ghosted two friends in the past. Both times I was very stressed (once with uni!) and they kept messaging me and messaging me. I just had so much going on that I didn’t have the energy to reply. By the time I was out of the stressful situations, too much time had passed and it felt too awkward to reach out to them again. I know it was ridiculous of me, and I’m sad now that I’ve lost their friendship. I’d love them to reach out to me again but they understandably haven’t.

I wonder if something like that has happened here. Maybe leave it a while- a long while- and then send a little message. Perhaps on their birthday or at Christmas, when you have a good excuse to message but without the pressure of them needing to reply.

This happened to me.
It was my best friend and I'd made her godmother to my daughter only 6 months earlier.
I was devastated. I actually felt like it was a relationship breakdown!
She'd been going through a tough time and a marriage breakdown and I'd really tried to be there for her. When she first ghosted me it was my daughter's first birthday party and I actually drove to her house after the party because I was so concerned about her.
She wouldn't answer the door and since then she just never spoke to me again.
I bumped into her ages afterwards and she acted like she didn't know me- it was horrible and I cried.
She later sent me a message saying that she didn't want anything to do with me. She tried to say that I had been a bad friend and let her down on several occasions but I completely disagree, I'd done so much to try and support her as I really cared about her.
I begged her to meet me in person to talk it over but she wouldn't- she said she wanted me out of her life. I spoke to her ex husband and he said that she had previous for cutting people out of her life when she was having a difficult time.
I hadn't known this in the 6 years I'd known her although I did know she had cut her mum out of her life many years before.
It has taken me a long time to get over it.
I felt SO hurt that she wanted nothing to do with her goddaughter.
Two years later and I now feel more at peace with it, and I don't feel upset when I think about her. I wish it hadn't happened though and I still think about her and hope she is ok.
When I started to tell other friends about it, I found so many other women who had had this happen to them.
None of them had a good explanation as to why it happened either, and all felt absolutely gutted about it.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this OP, it's horrible.

She expressed surprise saying friend was fine. She did say she had been super stressed with uni and work, but couldn’t give an explanation as to why I was being ignored.

erm right there IS your explanation for why you're being ignored. Deleting her facebook too suggests something difficult going on in her own life/ possible mental health difficulties, and it's not that she doesn't care about you but perhaps she just doesn't have the mental space/ energy for you at the current time (especially if you aren't a generally supportive friend?). Especially since she stayed in touch for the first 8 months after you moved, it doesn't suggest it's related to you moving away. Either that or you said or did something in the last contact you had that offended her.

I'd send her one last message making sure she knows you're there for her if she wants to get in touch - either now or at some later point in the future when she's dealt with whatever's going on in her life at the moment, and then leave her be.

I think she sees your lives as very different in deed now that you are a mom - she's probably been through it before and knows it just won’t be the same friendship anymore.

Does she have kids? If not, maybe she doesn’t want them and wants to focus on a career instead and having fun and being free and single - you were her sidekick but the dynamics are now very different.

Facebook is hard work and time-wasting. Also people put their lives on display, and you get messages about how well everyone is doing, when you may not be. Maybe she's going through a bad patch.

OP, it is hard when this happens. My best friend dropped contact with me around 3 years ago. The last time I saw her she was absolutely fine, then time went by, I messaged her to ask when she was free for a chat (she works nights, I work days so makes it tricky , but we used to ring at midnight sometimes). She replied, oh yes must catch up, then nothing.

I gave up trying after a while. Her family say that there isn't any problem with her, she just has a new man and nobody sees her very often now.

We were so close, grew up together, teenagers together, went through divorce together, it damn near breaks my heart that we haven't spoken in 3 years. I can't even believe it while I am writing it.

There is nothing that you can do though, you can't make somebody keep in touch, and sometimes people just can't be bothered if they are in a new relationship, or have to put any effort into it.

You will make new friends through having DC, through toddler groups etc, so hold on to that and try and forgive and forget your old friend, hard as it is :(

Sorry OP, that's quite extreme. Any chance someone's told her some weird rumour like you got off with her ex or something weird like that?! I would expect that people normally just 'cool it' rather than completely ghost if they want to 'cut you out' but I don't know much about these things.

My 'best friend' was wonderful after DC1 was born, came around, made tea, we went out for meals when we could etc. I saw her briefly before DC2 arrived, almost 2 years ago, and only once since then (and only because I drove to her house and she'd forgotten I was coming). Texts get the briefest of responses, no more birthday/Christmas cards, I just don't know what's happened. We made plans to meet once but she got ill. I'm keeping trying but there's only so much I can 'give' to someone who clearly isn't interested in going out of her way in any way at all.

She's had some idiot boyfriends (ironically I wish I'd been on MN the last time we properly got together because I would have had a few choice words about her ex if I'd known what all his crap meant) but surely that's when you need your friends?

I think you were her friend for a "season" and out of sight out of mind. Unfortunately some people are that shallow

It’s 2019. You can talk to people anywhere in the world for free.

But most friendships aren't just about skyping. They're often about being actively involved in each other's lives, meeting up and doing stuff you enjoy together. Switching from that into a calling each other and having to tell them what you're up to back and forth can quickly feel more onerous than enjoyable. Which is not to say friends shouldn't be there for the hard times etc, but realistically the OP has gone from her former friend's social life and there's nothing much to keep the relationship going. That said, her deleting OP from Facebook suggests there's more to it as FB is the trad no obligations way to keep in touch with geographically (and otherwise) distant friends.

It’s 2019. You can talk to people anywhere in the world for free. Do you have so many close friendships that you can just chuck away the inconvenient ones?

To be honest I do have quite a few friends and with working and looking after young DC, amongst other things, I want friends who are there - in person- to spend time with. I'm not interested in an online-only relationship. I enjoy being around people in real life, spending real time.

Deleting a friend who has twin babies and appearing to be normal to other friends does make me wonder if she might have lost a pregnancy or similar - could explain her being initially still up for seeing you and then suddenly stopping.

could she be struggling to conceive? Could you have offended her by making assumptions you'd stay with her or something when you visited? Could you have said anything else that upset her? Posted something offensive on facebook?

I dropped a friend for the latter reason and it was a very offensive thing considering my family background which she knew.

This happened to me when I had kids, OP. I was 1st of our group of uni friends to have kids and it really surprised me the close friends that dropped me. Focus on your new life back "home". It's sad but just another chapter. Maybe if she has kids in future she will realise how shitty she was.

I agree with a PP who said you’re both in different phases of your lives now. If you really evaluate the conversations, were they mainly about the twins?

It’s happened with my friends before. Less things in common, no jealousy of a baby, just find it boring to talk about them all the time... and gradually drift apart.

DId she delete her FB, or did she just block you? If she delted the whole thing, that would point to it being something going on with her. IF she blocked you, I'd say she has an issue with you.

I've had something a little similar and it's the not knowing that hurts. I don't know why my friend stopped contact and deleted me from facebook. I have no idea. I can't see that there's anything I've done. It actually really upset me because of how it was left. If I'd even had two sentences of explanation, I don't know, saying she was cutting contact with people from her old life or whatever, I could completely accept it. It's how ghosting happens, there's something about it that's very hard to accept because you don't understand it. So there's always a big question mark.

I moved out of London, and I've managed to keep only one London friend. No one else wanted to know me once I'd gone. I lost most of my friends at a stroke. I also think a pp is probably right; it's something to do with the fact that you are pregnant. How does she feel about young children? Does she find them tedious? She possibly just doesn't want to be involved.

Her behaviour is rotten, though. I'm sorry you have been hurt like this, OP.

I have an old friend from collage who dropped off the radar for ages due to mental health problems and us living at opposite ends of the country. She got back in touch saying she missed me and did l wamt to meet up. I was really dubious - l had kids, a job and a partner and travelling half way to Scotland to hang out with someone l hadn't seen or communicated with for years seemed a bit mad. I'm really, really glad l did though! We see each other every few months and l really enjoy her company.

What l'm trying to say is back off a bit but keep the channels open with the odd cheerful message. When she's a bit more sorted she may want to get back in touch ...

I don't blame you for being upset, though - if it's deliberate and not just stressed overload it's a rotton thing to do!

My old best friend, she was my bridesmaid when I got married and I moved about an hour away from home, but closer to her parents, so the friendship continued, we visited often. I then had a baby and moved two hours in the opposite direction and was then her bridesmaid. She moved an hour in the other direction (so 3 hours apart) and I had another baby. That was it. We had nothing in common anymore and stopped getting in touch, no arguments or anything just grew apart. She was happy going out having a (drunk) good time and I was happy staying in being a mum.

I think it’s really hard to keep up long distance friendships, despite what year it is. She will have new friends that have filled your space, not at the same level as your friendship, but to fill the time she used to spend with you, she is busy with life and work and uni. You are in completely different places both geographically and in life stages and a phone call or once a year visit isn’t the same as meeting after work for a drink or a coffee on a Saturday afternoon.
We’ve moved several times and I’ve had brilliant friends along the way, but I’m hardly in contact now. It’s sad, but it just what happens. I’m sorry that you are hurt by her actions, but you’ve got your family and you made the choice to move away from her, so she may well be hurt that you left her. (I think that probably sounds bitchy and I don’t mean it to be, but that could be how she is seeing it).

I had a friend who ghosted me when she owed me money. I didn’t feel at all bad about passing on her details to the student loan company when they called to say they couldn’t find her.

This happened to me at the start of this year, my best male friend suddenly stopped returning my messages and just never spoke to me again. I cried about it quite a lot for the first few months, it felt just like a relationship breakup and the grief I felt was real and deep. In some ways it was worse because I didn't see it coming, and had no idea what went wrong. It's one of the most painful things to ever happen to me.
I don't think I'll ever trust a friend so much in the future. I'm so scared of being hurt like that again.
I think time help but it will always smart when you think of them.

I have sometimes had to go no contact with exes because I was still in love with them or whatever, and went NC with my very toxic mum 2 years ago but this feels in a different league. I struggle to understand why people don't just do the usual thing: reply but be busy and cool the friendship down to whatever level is acceptable to maintain. Or be upfront and tell the friend they have royally pissed you off. Just stopping speaking to them for all time is really harsh and I would never do that to a friend now I know how much it hurts.

Once you moved out of London, realistically meeting up with any regularity was not a starter. Newcastle may only be 3 hours in the train but Journey Planner tells me it's a £140 return. So your relationship was going to be Facebook-only.

My husband is experiencing this from one of his friends at the moment and it really hurts. Yanbu, it's a terrible thing to go through.

To be honest I find it odd she's blocked you on face book. Unless she's mentally unwell, people tend not to do this. I do wonder if you were more invested in the friendship than her, maybe your strength of feelings were too much for her?