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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wills

46 replies

greendemons · 15/08/2019 15:30

At the moment DH and I don’t have wills so everything goes to me when he dies and it’s the same in regards to him. We have one child together, I have two from a previous relationship and he has one from a previous relationship.

My DD1 and DS from my previous relationship are both teens. DS is 14 and DD1 is 17. SD is 16.

DD2 is our child together and she is 9.

This morning DD1 and SD spoke to DH and I and they asked why we haven’t got wills as it isn’t fair as whoever dies first, their children/child will lose out. DH and I didn’t even think of it like that before. DD1 and DS aren’t going to receive anything from their father who’s a waste of space, fucked off with the other woman and is now broke. However, DSDs mum and step-dad are very wealthy: think high flying jobs, summer houses, London home, trust fund for DSD and her step dads kids. She’s set to inherit millions really.

DH and I have average wages, one small house in a cheap area, DD2 is going to be alright as DHs parents are also quite wealthy and have put very much into SDs and DD2s trust funds. However what about my children? I know DH isn’t their biological father but surely they should be treated the same as SD in his will?

AIBU to ask DH to say his half of the house and his assets are to be split equally between SD, our shared DD and my DC? And then my half would be split between all of my children? Just because SD will inherit so much more from her mums side.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2019 17:06

It would be fair to split all assets equally or each to share your half between your own DC. I have two DSC and we have one shared DC. My half goes to just my DD, DH half goes to all 3 of his. My DSC have a lot of cash in trust from his parents and my DD won’t get anything from anyone apart from us. We’re both happy with that.

You absolutely can’t ask him to prioritise your DC over his. That’s ridiculous. It’s not her fault your ex is a deadbeat or that you have more DC than your DH does. Even if her inheritance from her mum is guaranteed, you’re being totally unfair.

lyralalala · 15/08/2019 17:12

We're in a similar situation to you. DS1 (my step son) is likely to inherit a lot from his late mother's family. My two girls might inherit from their father's family, but won't from him as he's not talking to them. Then we have three together.

We sat down and went over all the permutations and then decided to split our assets equally between them. Their lives will be different because of family, friends, careers etc. The one thing that is equal is that we love them all the same, therefore we treat them all the same.

Ours is written up so we each leave our half the way we want, but the other has a life interest in the house etc. That way nothing will change if the widowed party remarries, changes their will or (as happened to a friend of ours recently) has an issue with the will. The solicitor her mother used closed unexpectedly, and had been a bit shit beforehand, and no copy of her will could be found which caused issues as there was step-children that should have been included.

MsSquiz · 15/08/2019 17:28

In this situation you either make all children the same or split you share between your biological children. It's not your stepchild's fault that you had 2 children prior to meeting your DH.

What your SD will inherit from her mother or any other relative is irrelevant and none of your business.

Your half should be split between your 3 biological children and your DH's half should be split between his 2 biological children.
Or
Both halves should be split between all 4 children.

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2019 17:38

Yes, you should both have wills in this scenario.

But you simply cannot make it ‘fair’ to your DC by favouring them over SD.

How inheritance is given is just as much an emotional statement as a financial one, in my opinion. Your DH effectively disinheriting his own DD in favour of your DC, no matter what the honourable intentions behind it, would be cruel and damaging to her. Her father loves her equally, he leaves his estate equally.

My FIL died leaving everything to his second wife and disinheriting his DC. Her DC will now inherit everything from her - and they are already in possession of trust funds! The thing that hurt him and his sibling most was the emotion behind that decision- either he decided it didn’t matter, or he decided his wife (and by extension her children) was more important than his own children.

Don’t do that to any of your family.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 15/08/2019 18:13

Why should your children be favoured simply because they won't inherit as much from their own Dad? Of course his inheritance should go to his children. What you're proposing isn't fair at all and you would be very unreasonable to suggest it.

ittakes2 · 15/08/2019 18:17

You are causing all sorts of problems not treating children equally. You also don't have a crystal ball - maybe your SD's family change their wills and she no longer inherits anything, maybe things go pear-shaped and there is no money left for her to inherit. No way should you base your decisions on what she may or may not inherit.

PlutocratCow · 15/08/2019 18:27

I can't believe you don't have wills - this is a basic part of ensuring your children will be ok if you're not around!

I also think you're throwing around a lot of hypotheticals (no one has guaranteed inheritance, rich people may leave it all to the dog home, or it gets eroded to nothing by elder care costs, or people suddenly find their pension isn't worth as much as they'd assumed, or they spend it on booze & cruises, doesn't matter). Stop assuming X will get Y. You don't know what's in anyone's will.

I think what you're suggesting is unfair btw - your DC should get a fair portion of whatever their blood parent owns but what I or anyone else thinks is a bit irrelevant. You need to work this out with DH and arrange a decent lawyer to write it up clearly.

And update it in future if your situation or wishes change.

And thank your DC for being more mature than you and DH have been!

HotChocolateLover · 15/08/2019 18:27

It’s not the step kids fault that your children have less. Why should they essentially give up some of their inheritance so your kids can have more? I’m so sorry to be harsh but life isn’t fair. Some people get more than others and that’s what’s happening here.

user1493494961 · 15/08/2019 18:29

What you are proposing Isn't fair.

Crazycrazylady · 15/08/2019 18:48

Each parent should leave their half to their kids. Simple

FireBloodAndIce · 15/08/2019 21:23

Yabu and unfair. You should get mirror wills, each of you give your dc their share in trust.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 15/08/2019 23:51

YABU, did you suggest it to your DH yet?

summersherewishiwasnt · 16/08/2019 00:42

Firstly I’d tell my child for many more years to come to mind their own business about my will .
No you can’t expect your dh to be equal in his will towards your dc.
The last part about your half of the house and assets I agree with but it complicates matters for your dh if he wants to move.

NeelixFelicis · 16/08/2019 03:44

YABVU.
Why are you so focused on what provisions another family have set out for their beneficiary? Other people's finances are not your concern.
The fact your XP has not stepped up for his DC isn't the fault of your SD - nor should his inaction be her future burden.

Do you really think your DH should have to say to his DD, "I'm splitting my inheritance 4 ways. Your SM hasn't included you in hers at all".

What DH's ex partner does with her finances shouldn't be a factor in how you decide to split your money.
The DC just need to be treated as equals in your home. What you're proposing is far from that.

Linning · 16/08/2019 06:01

YWBU yes and I speak as someone who would be in the position of your DD1.

In my situation we are 4 siblings.

I am the oldest, my mother was a teenager when I was born and got pregnant with my DB1 when I was 6 months old, so I never got the financial benefit of being an only child, nor the one of having financially stable parents as apart from my mother being a child my father got out of the picture very early on and is the type to live off other people's money so there will be no money to his name at his death for sure.

DSB2 and 3 were born a few years later from my mother and stepdad, who has no family.

DSIS is not born yet but should be soon and his from my mother and her new husband who has a lot of family.

So while DB1 and I were born in similar situations with a similar upbringing, I moved out at 16 and have been paying my way ever since, while DB is in his 20's and still living at home rent free with his clothes, food and phone paid for.

In the meantime DB2 and DB3 knew a more financially stable environment growing up and while my mother and their father are modest, they may still get something from him (though likely very little), and like me and DB1 have no paternal family to inherit from.

Dsis on the other hand, who is not yet born, is going to be the best one of, apart from one my siblings are over 18 and should be moving out soon so she will have the advantage of growing up an only child (so more access to money from her parents+ extended family) and also have lots of family to inherit from.

My mother have nothing to her name either but according to you, once she inherit from my grandparents she should.

Split it in my favour most because I have had the toughest situation of the 4 and the least access to money throughout my entire lifetime. Then give DB1 slightly more than DB2 and 3 because they might inherit from their father when me and DB1 won't and she should cut off the baby because she will obviously have a much better start at life and will continue to be privileged throughout her entire lifetime.

Even though your technic would benefit me, I don't think that's fair.
At the end of the day even though my mother technically screw me over money-wise by deciding to have a child at 17 with a jerk of a man, it's not fair for my sibling to be desinherited.

I think heritage always causes rife and will cause rife regardless, because no matter what you do, your youngest one will have more than your oldest ones and their step-sister will be a millionaire whether she inherits from you or not and it would be unfair for her dad to cut-her off from an emotional point of view and it would cause much more pain and damage to her at a moment of her life where she just lost her father than not getting the money would for your kids (and I say this as someone who will be cut off her parents wills and don't care).

I definitely know no matter how my mother's will is written (I am no contact with her so I won't be on it) my youngest siblings will resent the fact that our upcoming sister already starts with an advantage, the same way I resent having had to fend for myself since I am 16 while DB1 is still living rent free and bill free in his 20's.

No matter what she does, split it fairly or unfairly, she won't be able to fix the feeling of unfairness and difference in treatment that almost automatically comes with the choices one makes to have different children with people with different economical background leading to very different upbringing and life opportunities.

My grandparents have three daughters, my mother and my aunts, my mother is very modest and owns nothing while my aunts are both millionaires with several properties and businesses etc... my mother would need the money most but they've already said that they will split the money fairly and that's only right. My mother made life choices that led her to not become a millionaire like her sisters did, my aunts shouldn't be deshinerited because my mother didn't make the right choices. In your case, you made choices that means that no matter what your kids won't have the same economical security, it sucks for them but it's life and they need to accept it. Nobody is owned an inheritance to start with so whatever they get is bonus.

ourkidmolly · 16/08/2019 06:18

Weird that 2 teens approached you about this. It's none of their business whatsoever. How do they know that you don't have wills? Strange topic of conversation. Also you're wrong in assuming you're going to inherit whole estate. The formula depends on size of estate:
This formula is that the spouse inherits the first £250,000 of the estate (plus interest from the date of death), all the deceased's personal possessions, and half of the rest of the estate.
The other half is divided between the issue.
Where the estate is worth less than £250,000, the surviving spouse or civil partner inherits the whole estate.

NCpreggo · 16/08/2019 09:12

Obviously you need to speak to a solicitor and it's good your kids have been on the ball about this.

You can't assume the situation will be at all the same in what is likely to be decades time - one of your DC may have made loads of cash, the other side may have incurred loads in care fees. What the step kids (or your kids) inherit from elsewhere is entirely irrelevant.

Imagine it from their point of view too. This could cause a rift between them after your deaths and will likely be an issue for years to come between them.

You are effectively saying "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" - this is completely unfair.

Lifecraft · 16/08/2019 09:55

Personally I dont like favouring those who have less

Spot on. Children should receive equal amounts, regardless of their financial situation.

If I had 2 children, and one was rich and the other not, they'd be getting half each.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2019 09:59

YABVU, he should leave his share to his actual children as should you.

It’s not his fault your children may have less.

HeronLanyon · 16/08/2019 10:10

Despite expectations of what certain children will inherit - that may come about and may not for all sorts of reasons. Be really careful about anything other than equal splits. Even where there is logic to it it can have devastating effects after death with emotional responses
I am currently in an inheritance situation where one parent spelt things unequally - there was logic behind the (slight) unequal shares but it has caused real problems for one sibling who currently can’t see it as anything other than an unequal expression of love - this feeling shows no signs of changing Confused

CornishMaid1 · 17/08/2019 13:51

YABU.

Firstly, if you don't have Wills you don't necessarily inherit everything if DH dies first as you both have children. It odds covered by the intestacy rules so never assume. It depends what assets you have and how they are held.

You would get personal items ans the first £250k and anything over that is split with his children. If you are tenants in common on the house and have an expensive house you may not even end up work his whole half.

Who ever is left would have most and without a Will it would just go to their biological children do one set of children could be completely missed out.

YABU for not having Wills and even more so if you have children from previous relationships as well. Get it sorted.

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