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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Urgent opinons mental health teen

21 replies

Imonlydoingwhatican · 15/08/2019 13:28

Background

My stepdaughter lives with us. Shes 15 and has mental health issues, she is under cahms and in on antidepressents.

She has refused cahms appts for 5 weeks now, and stopped taking meds. She wont engange with anyone (usally shes vety open with me, we are very close) wont do anything just wants to be left alone.

Yesterday she unintentionally marked my younger daughter during a row (they are arguing constantly). I called cahms as she refused her appt again, they have agreed a home visit today 3.30pm. Her mum is coming. I havent informed her of this appointment as i know she will run out of the house. I have just told her mum is coming to see her and she has kicked off, screaming she doesnt want to see her, im unfair arranging this without her knowing. I dont care about her only that she not in hospital. Im close to a nrevous breakdown myself as im finding it very hard right now to manage her. I dont believe she should just be left alone 24/7.

Do i tell her cahms are coming or should i just wait till they are here? I know it will kick off and she is likely to act tonight in order to harm herself. But i feel im left with no choice at this point as she has already said she doent want to be here (alive ) anymore.

I have other children that i need to consider, and it is impacting on them.

Going back to mum is not a option (in her mind) but both sets of parents are open to anything she wants to do in order to get better.

OP posts:

Bridget1983 · 15/08/2019 13:32

Hard one - bite the bullet, tell her just before Camhs arrives and hope she doesn’t walk out. In fairness she may walk out immediately anyway - hope it goes as well as can be

TheInebriati · 15/08/2019 13:33

She should have a say, but I'd be wary about letting her lead the way. Giving kids more responsibility than they can manage can make them stressed and anxious.

Wait until they are at your house and insist you get support. You are not a mental health professional, there is a limit to how much and what you can do, and you have other children to consider.

lmusic87 · 15/08/2019 13:40

She needs support, and a review of her mental health.

MollyButton · 15/08/2019 13:42

I wouldn't tell her. But I would allow her to shut herself in her room - and them to try to get her to talk to them.

You could also try contacting Young Minds for advice and support.

slavetolife · 15/08/2019 13:45

The thing is, she needs to understand the wider impact that this is having on you plus your other children. It isn't fair for everybody to be living under a constant cloud, and in order for you to be able to deal with this, you need help. Scream it from the rooftops - "I NEED HELP!"

I went through something incredibly similar with my DD (now 17 and has improved DRAMATICALLY, albeit still not perfect). Object as she might, going through the process of regular CAMHS appointments did help her - although to a certain extent I also think she just grew up a bit and has learned to manage herself and her feelings a bit better. Putting a massive focus on mindfulness and spending time doing things that she knows are beneficial to her mental health, also helped. She has had some appointments recently with a CAMHS worker who I wish we'd met years ago, the way he explained things really resounded with her and I have noticed that she has really taken on board some of the things he said and the suggestions that he made. Does your DSD like her CAMHS worker? Maybe she needs to see if there's someone better for her there.

Original poster

Imonlydoingwhatican · 15/08/2019 13:47

Ive not taken this decision lightly, i usally let her lead on most things. But i feel its got to a point that she is going to attempt something.

OP posts:

slavetolife · 15/08/2019 14:01

I wouldn't tell her that they are coming, they also need to see how bad it is for you and your other children also, their welfare matters too. Good luck OP

stucknoue · 15/08/2019 14:22

I would not tell her that cahms are visiting. You are doing what is best for her, she's under 16 so you still have a say. Having a united front between your dh and her mum is essential and do raise the safeguarding issues with her drs. The only real option at 15 other than being at home (yours or mum) is being sectioned, certainly a worst case scenario (from 16 there's supervised apartments in some areas in these sorts of circumstances my friends daughter was placed in one because she was a danger to her younger siblings)

U2HasTheEdge · 15/08/2019 15:15

Usually I would argue that she should be informed of everything that is going on with her care (and you said she usually is). However, her MH has deteriorated, she has stopped taking her meds and refusing to be seen, so you have to do what you need to do to get the help she needs. She is a child and she needs you to do what is right for her in the long run

It's very likely she will run out, but at least you did everything you could. I hope she stays and engages with cahms.

You sound so lovely OP, I really hope things get easier for you all soon

OneStepSideways · 15/08/2019 15:46

What's her diagnosis?

I think that would play a part in whether or not you tell her they're coming. Eg if she's on the autistic spectrum she may need time to process it and prepare. If personality disorder (EUPD/APD etc) and you think she'll run away to avoid them I wouldn't tell her in case she panics and misses the appointment!

Do you think she needs inpatient care? Or a secure placement?

I'd be very worried about your daughter's safety if step daughter is violent to her and they are arguing a lot.

Does she have a lead practitioner or community support?

CSIblonde · 15/08/2019 15:49

If she's not taking her meds it's likely she isn't capable of making informed, logical decisions on her own, so I wouldn't tell her.

Sexnotgender · 15/08/2019 15:52

So difficult. I probably would tell her shortly before they arrive.
You want her to be able to trust you and you can’t blindside her with them. I’d not tell her too far in advance though.

BlueJava · 15/08/2019 15:57

I think what you've done is as good as you possbily can do under the circumstances. Don't tell her as she may walk out and she needs some sort of urgent assistance, intervention. May it really clear to them you cannot cope - you sound at breaking point. It will also be hugely difficult for everyone else in the house. Good luck!

Bibijayne · 15/08/2019 15:58

I've been that teen. I'd say don't tell her. She will kick off regardless at this stage. At the moment you need CAHMS to take the situation seriously. Which means seeing her at her worst. Anything you do right now is going to cause her upset and distress. You need to do what is going to get her the help she needs and the whole of your family the support you all need.

She may hate you for a good while. Please be prepared for that. But you need to keep firm in your head that you are seeking help to save her life.

There are no easy choices here.

Original poster

Imonlydoingwhatican · 15/08/2019 17:35

They've been, and she stayed but she didnt talk, just shrugged . Shes not happy with me, but its tough it needed to happen. Im the adult and i made a choice in all my kids best interest.

My eldest is autistic so in that instance then time to adjust would have been put in place. But she doesnt have additional needs like that .
Thank you all for saying i wasnt aibu just needed a parenting boost.

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2019 17:39

What a dreadful situation. I've no idea what to suggest, other than if you genuinely think she might attempt to harm herself you need to go over her head. Better to risk your relationship than to risk her safety; that would be the truly loving parenting decision.

It's so hard x

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2019 17:41

Where is her dad in all this?

darkriver19886 · 15/08/2019 17:44

You sound amazing OP and at the end of your tether. I agree don't tell her.

Just out curiousity does you H help?

AlwaysCheddar · 15/08/2019 17:44

For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing.

Original poster

Imonlydoingwhatican · 15/08/2019 17:47

My husband was at work today ,she barely talks to him (normal teen/dad dynamics) he does support when hes here

OP posts:

darkriver19886 · 15/08/2019 20:38

Well she is lucky to have you. I hope things improve.

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