To think I’m a shit person

[scenicnights]

Name changed for this as was worried

I’m just a mean person, when I see my friends who have just got promotions, deep down inside I’m jealous, I wish they hadn’t as I haven’t got one and I work quite hard! When my SIL and her husband bought a house in France and moved there to escape Brexit, instead of being happy for them, I hated them and I hated how DH and I couldn’t do that. When my DSIS DD got into a lovely Oxford College, I was pissed off how my DD1 got rejected. When DSD did better at Gcses than my DD and has a perfect boyfriend, is very pretty etc I felt angry that DD doesn’t have that and hates herself for it.

I know my thoughts are stupid and childish and mean. I know. But I can’t help it, I genuinely can’t help being a shitty person.

AIBU to ask how I can change the way I feel about events and have a more positive outlook on life?

You can help it. You remember nothing good that happens to anyone else takes anything away from you. There’s no finite limit to promotions or prettiness or academic success. Why do you take it personally when others have success?

My ex was like this. It was fucking exhausting. And a friend is the same. When something lovely happens to another of our friends she gets chippy even if she wouldn’t want it. It’s horrible!

Work on your own life and don’t waste time hating so many other people.

Comparison is the thief of joy

Try and repeat that mantra when you feel this way.

Some envy is human and normal and I’m sure most people have it from time to time but if it’s causing you distress then maybe try some meditation or relaxing technique

Focus on your child’s efforts and achievement and defiantly block boastful people of yr social media

The above are so true.

I think feelings of fleeting envy can be very normal. It just feels far better being happy for people though.

Focus on getting what you'd like to aim for in life.

Yeah I know you guys are right. I do need to make changes

I don't think you are a shit person!
You are human and to be honest I think a lot of people have those feelings.

It seems you wish you were progressing in your own life so if you want to do something then focus on your own life and go for whatever it is you want do/ progress in.

Nah, you're not a shit person at all. Everybody has these feelings. You're having them more, and more intensely, because you're not happy in your own life. Let yourself off the hook for the less-than-worthy feelings, just acknowledge them and let them drift past you. Concentrate your efforts on making your own/your family's lot better (start small - what makes you happy? How can you build up and support dd to be happier?) and it will improve on its own. Don't let this become another stick to beat yourself with.

I had a friend like this- note had. She became wildly resentful and jealous and bitter of every single thing I had, even if she didn’t want it herself. It became impossible to be around her.

In her case it came from her own insecurities, she never felt good enough and instead of trying to change that she tried to drag others down so she could feel better in comparison.

I suggest you take a look at yourself and ask yourself honestly if you are happy in your skin and yourself. If there are insecurities and things you are unhappy about, then changing them will bring you much more happiness than resenting others. Change starts inside!

Comparison is the thief of joy This is what I was going to say too.

Your not a shit person though - i may feel a bit ‘meh’ sometimes that I’m not as successful, thin, wealthy as others but I don’t begrudge them their success. You need to shut those thoughts off in your head. What they do has no bearing on you and your life.
Also remember you don’t know everything that goes on behind closed door - people may be fighting battles you know nothing about.
Yes to focussing your energies on yourself!

Sounds more like insecurity. If you were really a shit person you wouldn't care about it.

As soon as you catch yourself having a negative thought, acknowledge it and let it go, then replace it with a positive thought. It takes practice but will become second nature after a while.

You cnt help how you feel. Having feelings doesnt make you a shit person. Acting on it or not taking steps to get out that mindset isn't great though.

I think you feel like that because it seems like there is nothing great in your life and you're just accepting this and that it will always be the case. It is difficult but it needs a different mindset. Instead of 'my daughter didn't get great GCSE results, her life is always going to be worse than my nieces life' you think 'my daughters GCSE results weren't as good as they could have been, how can we make changes to ensure her AS levels go better' eg tutoring, work experience, help setting up revision schedules etc. I think when you take positive action to address an issue, you feel more in control and that helps in itself.

I cant recommend it yet as I've not finished reading it but there is a book called something like learned optimism that may help. I'm about a third of the way through. Its written by a qualified psychologist based on a lifetime of research and shows how pessimistic views affect your life and I think later chapters concentrate on how to change your mindset

It's possible to retrain your inner voice to be more positive (I know that sounds wanky...). It takes a lot of practise. Each time you have a negative thought you need to acknowledge it and replace it with a positive one. I've had to do this for different reasons: my inner monologue was v. self-destructive after an abusive relationship with a parent, "you're shit, you're lazy, you can't do this... etc...." Low self-esteem stuff that I've had to work on.

It's good you acknowledge this and want to change it though. I cut a friend out of my life some years ago, because she was jealous and basically plain nasty about anything good that happened to anyone else. It's draining being around someone that negative and it can't be nice to be inside that head, as you know.

This is me too, being a "shit person" . It is down to low self esteem though, and feeling ashamed that I haven't made more of my life.

We all, feel like this at some point or another.

The problem seems to be that you always feel like this about everyone.

I agree with pp, you can change and that this comes from you being unhappy in your own life.

You can change it by picking yourself up everytime you have these thoughts and reminding yourself that's it's not nice or good for your self esteem.

And start looking at what you can change for yourself.

Stop comparing your dd to other children of the same age. She will do enough of that herself. Just because other people have something she wants, doesnt mean she wont ever get what she wants. These people arenr taking anything away from her. They are going about their own lives.

The issue, can be that kids and young adults can pick up what the adults are thinking around them, even if it's not verbalised. You dont want her growing up thinking the way to handle nice things happening to other people is with jealousy.

What's happening for the people is not taking anything away from her or you.

Look at what you want to achieve, and starting making steps towards it.