Experience of anger management

[angermanagement]

I am seriously considering going to anger management. I just called a clinic and they said that the first step is to have a psychiatric assessment so they can diagnose me, then they will suggest which treatment I need, which will either be medication or therapy depending on how bad they think I am.

I admit I am a bit controlling and have had some heated rows with DH lately (name calling, raised voices that type of thing). I don't want to be like this forever and am worried about my DD (14months) growing up with an angry parent. I guess I'm nervous that a psychiatric diagnosis will be damaging if it's ever used against me later on?

So AIBU to think this isn't the best approach? Does anyone have any experience of anger management.

Just to add I wouldn't describe myself as abusive but I suppose if I wrote out a typical argument on here that's exactly how I would be thought of. This scares me a little.

You don’t get to decide if your behaviour is abusive or not.

I wouldn’t have thought you could get effective treatment without first exploring what the issue is.

If you really want help / to change, you need to be assessed properly in the first instance.

I suppose my only reluctance is a reason centered around me rather and a diagnosis being damaging for me rather than any positive impact it could have for my family. I'll call them back and make an appointment.

Well that’s helpful @WonkoTheSane42
OP, I think I would ask them whether you can stop them sending your records to your GP. I suspect they would be ok with this (I’ve recently had some private treatment and had to agree to the results being sent to the NHS system) and if so go for it

I’ve tackled mine by seeing a counsellor. Infact I started counselling because of post natal depression and anxiety, this became a lot better but uncovered an uncontrollable rage I’ve never felt before in my life. My behaviour towards my DH and DD was shameful, So then my sessions were focussed on my anger. it turns out the root cause of the anger was the same as the root cause of the anxiety. It has taken a few months, and lots of honesty, but I’m so much better now. I still feel anger but don’t react to that emotion in the same way.

So if my experience is anything to go by, just finding a decent counsellor (mine is a psychotherapist) is a good move.

Yes good idea. I get private medical insurance with my employer but psychiatric treatment (which this is classed as) isn't covered so I'd be paying privately anyway. I'm not in the UK. The lady at the clinic said I could try and apply for some reimbursement but I don't want my employer to see the treatment and judge me.

My DH said during one argument "you need to go and see someone" but when I told him I've been looking into it he said not to go so I'm a bit confused as to what's best really but suppose there's no harm in going. They can't make me have the treatment. Only saying that as I would be reluctant to be prescribed meds tbh. And as it's private healthcare it's in their interests to sign you up for as much stuff as poss.

That’s fascinating cavy. How did you find the counsellor and how do they help? What do you do now when you feel angry?

I’m sort of of the view that some people are just rage inducing and you’re going to be hard pressed to control that

Thanks for sharing that experience cavy. I've never had any sort of therapy or counseling and I'm a bit nervous about the idea of it all.

Hi OP

No advice but I think recognising you have an issue and taking steps to change, can only be a positive

Why does your husband not want you to follow through with it? What are the rows about? Is your anger just towards him or everything/ everyone?

As I say no experience but I do wonder if anger is a symptom of something rather than a diagnosis in itself so general therapy or counselling or a psychiatric evaluation is probably a sensible place to start. I wouldn't have thought anyone would force unnessessaey medication on you because only a doctor / psychiatrist can prescribe these and they are bound by ethical standards. Plus using your argument I would think they would make more money themselves by pushing therapy etc! Remember nothing is permanent and if you think some treatment isn't working out you dont need to continue with it

@cavycavy So was the root cause of your anger PND-related or something else? I’m also interested to hear how you control it now. Sorry to hijack the thread but I’m really interested in hearing about people’s experiences with anger as my husband has a big issue with it that (I believe) is rooted in unresolved issues from his childhood. Can’t see how he can overcome it without confronting those issues first...

My DH made some comment like "don't go to a therapist, they'll tell you to leave me" or along those lines. He was being flippant but I think he meant that he had overreacted when he told me I needed to see someone.

I only seem to have angry bouts with him. I don't do it with anyone else but I suppose I sort of feel I can get away with it with him. I know that's awful - please don't have a go, I'm trying to be honest.

We argue about silly little things really. Nothing big. Latest one was where I'd not long settled DD to bed and he was banging about downstairs opening and closing drawers and making a racket and I asked him to be quiet, and he didn't. I poked his arm (to get him to shut up but yes not defensible) and so then it escalated into a bit of a row (understandably).

I find myself getting very frustrated with him because he never admits to being wrong ever or that he could be more quiet for instance.

The other day I yelled at him because he wasn't watching DD and she fell off the sofa and then he just sat there while she screamed so obviously I picked her up and consoled her and he just kept saying it wasn't his fault and she wasn't hurt. Which was true but in that moment I felt he should've picked her up and prioritized her needs and not been concerned about himself. And then I just get angry about it and lash out.

There have been other occasions but it's mostly when I feel he doesn't listen or isn't doing it my way.

I hadn’t had any counselling either until 9 months ago. My anxiety had become too bad to live with and I was having panic attacks. I had no choice. I was on the highest dose of citalopram I was allowed.

I’m so pleased I did it. I know the anger wasn’t me, deep down. I’ve never, ever been an angry person (most people describe me as placid). But it got really bad, almost like an out of body experience. And then after the guilt is terrible.

My anger now is only triggered my daughters behaviour which is quite challenging and aggressive. (However, her behaviour feeds off mine so it’s a bit like the chicken and egg...)

So firstly, there was a CBT element. The idea that I can CHOOSE my thoughts, change them and decide how I want to feel. But mostly, I’m much better at recognising the triggers and when it’s starting to build up. I try and tackle the physical symptoms first (by breathing, relaxing shoulders etc). Then I have to acknowledge the situation, how I feel and say it out loud, so I’m not trying to hold my emotions in (which is a bit like shaking up a coke can... eventually it will explode). So I say something like “This is frustrating. You are flicking paint all over the table despite me telling you not to. I can feel myself becoming cross. I really don’t want to get angry or shout so I’m going to take the paint away from you and then leave the room/count to 10 (or whatever comes to mind) to help me calm down.” This process alone is often enough to simmer down my anger and buy me some time. It has the added bonus of teaching my daughters that I have feelings and sometimes the first sentence is all that is needed to change her behaviour. It also helps her learn how to deal with her explosive feelings.

Im also talking a lot to my daughter about feelings in general (like how characters in books feel) and reflecting on sometimes we feel the same. And that feelings are ok, but mistreating other people because of them is never ok. I’m doing this for her benefit, but opening up the discussion about it has really helped me too weirdly. “Remember that time mummy was really cross because you threw my phone down the stairs? I was really angry because it broke and phones are expensive. I was shouting and said some bad words. I don’t regret feeling cross, but I shouldn’t lose my temper and I’m trying hard to work at that. Do you remember the time you scratched my face when I cut your sandwich in half? You were really angry.... etc..... So can both get angry can’t we. The feeling is ok, but the action isn’t. Let’s work on it together yeah?

I still use discipline though. But it’s calm, straight to the point and no nonsense. Rather than me shouting and losing my cool.

Forgot to add that in latest argument I was so pissed off I grabbed his anniversary card and ripped it up. Just adding that for balance as I'm making him sound really bad when he isn't.

Thanks for sharing, @cavycavy. Sounds like you’ve done a lot of good work on yourself.

OP, I honestly don’t think the examples you’ve given are all that bad. My husband sounds similar and it can be incredibly frustrating. I don’t think it’s controlling to want quiet when you’re trying to put your baby to sleep. Or to want to be able to trust your husband to watch your child properly and take action to calm them when hurt. I’ve felt very angry when my husband has behaved like that. I would never have described myself as an angry person before but when one half of the parent team is consistently making things harder rather than easier it’s difficult not to get angry.

Either way, why not go and see a counsellor. You don’t need to specify it’s for anger management but could say it’s for PND/A and describe your examples to them. Make sure you’re happy with the person you go to see before you commit to them. The right counsellor can really help you get your grounding back.

I agree, anger is a symptom. Possibly even. Coping mechanism.

@doskant For me the root cause is lack of control. Having a child threw my life into chaos (as it does) and I didn’t cope very well. I felt anxious all the time as a result. The anxiety went away with medication/time/counselling but it’s like it unveiled this anger, which was perhaps there all along. Anger that I’m no longer in charge of everything in my life maybe? Yes, it’s definitely a lack of control.

My mum also had an explosive, unpredictable temper when I was little. I hear her voice coming out of my mouth whenever I shout. I hate it. I was starting to get nasty and I think it probably qualified as emotional abuse. “You STUPID STUPID girl” etc. Just plain horrible. I’d never talk to someone I hate like that normally!

My advice OP is to go for counselling, do it purely for you and your wellbeing. You will learn a lot about yourself and your relationships with others. Life with an 18 month old is bloody hard. But you can change how you think and how you react to your emotions, as hard as that is to believe.

I really identify with so much of what you're saying cavy so it's reassuring to hear you've found counseling a positive experience.

Can I ask how it all impacted your relationship with your DH if that's ok?

OP, i think a therapist is the way forward. I have no idea of pschometric testing or whatever is necessary, but a CBT therapist would probably help you. What you need to work out is the cause of your anger, and how you deal with it. Alongside that is whether o not you're justified in being angry, even if you're not justified in your response.

SIL can behave appallingly badly when she is upset or angry. And I am the first to say that. BUT... my frustration is that her behaviour is so bad, it obscures and takes away from the reason she was angry in the first place which often are completely valid. So nothing ever gets resolved. That sounds a bit like what's happening with you. Your response is so over the top you and your Dh never have to address the things you genuinely have the right to be angry about - a small child not being comforted when she falls off ac ouch, even if she's not hurt, is not okay. And I'd be pretty angry too.

Agree with others that anger can be a symptom of an underlying disorder like depression or anxiety, as well as a disorder in its own right.

It may also interrelate with couples problems, which may require you to seek therapy as a couple as opposed to individually. Not to say your partner is to blame for your anger, but relationship problems could contribute to whatever the underlying issue might be. If you’re depressed, then it wouldn’t be uncommon to put all blame and responsibility on yourself.

@angermanagement

We have gone through hell and back to be honest. I was seriously considering a separation at one point, and I know it crossed his mind too. I never stopped loving him but everything made me feel anxious, and once that was gone everything made me angry. I snapped and jumped down his throat for no reason.

My relationship with him improved much faster than my relationship with my DD. I think because I could be 100% brutally honest with him and he was able to understand and has, god bless im, stuck with me despite everything.

The last few months I have felt like me... the OLD me, pre DD. I’ve even lost a load of weight. I’m now fully off all medication.

I still feel the emotion of anger but my no.1 goal at all times is to not shout or snap. So lots of the time I just do nothing, give it 10 seconds. Don’t allow myself to reach boiling point.

I think I’ve pretty much decided I don’t want.... no.... can’t have any more children. I would actually love another child, I just can’t inflict poor mental again on myself or my family again.