Is this intrusive ?

[IABUQueen]

If my brother asks me questions about pregnancy and child birth, would it be intrusive for me to give him advice ? Knowing that his wife doesn’t like me.

Eh?

Do you actually know what intrusive means?

Why is he asking you, not his wife!?

I’m currently pregnant with my second baby. They’re expecting their first.

He sometimes asks me about my experience. For example he asks me how I prepared babies nursery on a budget and all the ways to lower costs. So I share my experience. But I don’t think his wife like she it.

If he is asking for your experiences then I think that would be OK ie facts

If he is asking for advice that he will then relay to his wife as fact, or 'Queen says this so we have to do it' type reaction, then no.

Your brother can ask you whatever he likes. He’s your brother.

You can have any conversation with your brother. It’s not up to you to have to control his wife’s reaction if he chooses to share he’s had those conversations with you. Especially regarding your examples.

We are due close to each other’s times.

He sometimes calls panicking saying that his wife is vomiting during pregnancy and asks me what i experienced. I tell him that it’s normal and I vomited too.. and I direct him to baby centre Pages and so on.

He asks me about my labour experience and I show him my birth plan. And tell him how mine went and what I wish I did differently. And how my husband was able to support me at each stage and what I think he can do to not feel helpless.

I would describe unsolicited advice as intrusive. As your brother is specifically asking for your experiences and advice I would give it. It's up to him how he chooses to pass that on to his wife (or not). I expect he will quickly get the message if she doesn't want to hear your views.

He sometimes asks me about my experience. For example he asks me how I prepared babies nursery on a budget and all the ways to lower costs. So I share my experience. But I don’t think his wife like she it.

Still baffled. Are asking if you should refuse to answer your brother’s questions in case his wife doesn’t like you answering his questions?

I think he should let his wife organise her own birth plan rather than discussing it with you, but you are certainly not being intrusive. It’s possible he is.

Surely if he is asking about stuff he wants to know that’s fine?

I don't think you should be concerning yourself with his wife's reactions. He's asking you questions and your answering them about your own personal experiences, as long as you're not saying 'wife should do this...' 'wife is wrong to do that....' I see no issue in you talking to DBro about yours and his pregnancies.

Any issues wife has should be between her and the brother.

In all honesty she never liked me. And then when she got pregnant I felt a bit happy that she called me and we could bond over pregnancy.

She started to ask me how my breasts changed and whether I got stretch marks.. I gave her genuine advice on how things went for me and how some things I could’ve done differently. She asked me about my miscarriages and at what stage they happened (recurrent).. I wasn’t comfortable with her questions at all but I felt she was panicking and so I told her.

Then when the pregnancy went on she started to rub in my face all the things that didn’t work out for me. Making me sound inadequate. Constantly telling my brother to tell me to dress my son differently at every video of my toddler that I send to him. So I avoid her. I keep it to pleasantries.

But on the other hand, she doesn’t like my brother talking to me. Always rushing him to end the conversation. Always sitting right next to him controlling the flow of the conversation.

So it’s very rarely he gets to call me. So sometimes I don’t know whether what I say will make her manipulate him against me. I kind of lost a lot of our relationship.

He lives abroad. He was complaining to me that the budget is very tight and I told him that we managed to buy second hand things. So he asked me specifically whether I needed this and I needed that. How I managed to avoid this and that. How I lowered the costs for this and that. So I told him exactly what we did. Maybe in too much detail as I was a bit happy my brother is bonding with me over the baby.

I always tell him to discuss with his wife whatever suits her and I’m just telling him this so he feels less stressed about budget. He asked me how I think he will be able to manage as he plans to be a stay at home dad when baby is 4 months , while he has exams. So I talk him through how my day with a 4 year old was like and how he won’t reallt manage to sit exams and so should try get support so on.

But she seemed to have taken over the conversation he suddenly seemed to go silent for few months and I have a feeling she didn’t like that he had another source of opinion.

Nothing from what I said was meant to undermine her it’s just my brother was truly trying to seek answers and he has already discussed with her. However he told me that since his wife has OCD she doesn’t accept any second hand items or furniture and I was supportive. I just shared my experience in case it gives them something to discuss as he seemed overwhelmed.

I’m hindsight, maybe I should’ve told him to discuss with me when his wife was there? I usually send it over WhatsApp and I tell him to ask her what she thinks and so she has full access over our conversations.

But I just feel like I’m tiptoeing and wondering whether she has the right to feel undermined. Which wasn’t my intention.

I might’ve been over passionate because I was excited my brother has something in common with me after not seeing him or speaking to him properly for 3 years.

I’ve backed away.

It's a shame that your sil doesn't like you, it makes things difficult for DB. But it's his business to work out how to handle that.

You are not being intrusive - offering unsolicited advice would be, but you are simply answering the questions DB asks you.

He's obviously decided he still wants a relationship with you (good!) and because you have experience of pregnancy and childbirth, and he and his DW don't, he is understandably asking someone he loves and trusts for their experience and advice. Perfectly fine. Up to him whether he chooses to tell his DW what he's heard and where from.

If he does I hope he would have the balls to tell her that a) he asked you(i.e. nip in the bud any suggestion that you are interfering); b) he wants to have a relationship with you and is going to carry on seeing/talking to you whether she likes it or not.

What you mustn't do is start badmouthing your sil to DB or criticising her parenting once their baby comes. Don't give her any reason to resent you.

But on the other hand, she doesn’t like my brother talking to me

That’s an issue between them. Your brother is still choosing to talk to you, so why would you choose not to respond to him to appease her?

Why is your SIL dictating who is ‘allowed’ to talk to who? Why is everyone scared of her?

He’s asking about you and your pregnancy, not you asking about his wife and hers - I don’t see how that can be intrusive.

I can't possibly see how this could be 'intrusive' when he's actively asking for your advice.

Your relationship with your SIL is a whole other matter. Unfortunately, you can't make people like you. Maybe she thinks you offer too much advice? But it's not unsolicited if your brother is asking for it.

I"d take a step back, to be honest.

Sounds to me like shes jealous of your relationship. Hes your brother its nice that he asks your advice etc. Im sure you would ask his if need be.
Wish you well with the birth of your baby.

Thanks everyone.

can’t win with her. Just don’t want to lose my brother

I know it's easier said than done but try to just chat normally with him when he gets in touch. He's your brother, you're allowed to chat to him when he contacts you. Don't ever feel guilty for that.