AIBU or is he- home ownership & stbx

[HairsOnMyChinnyChinChin]

Am a regular but have name changed as details may out me.

Stbx and I reached a mediated agreement on division of assets and childcare arrangements etc in November. We agreed that he would buy me out (he could afford to, I couldn't) and I would buy a new property. We share custody of 2 primary kids.

I found a house that was due to complete at the end of June. We had agreed that i would sign over to him and he would hold off on doing the final bits leading to the transfer until exchange on mine. Then there was a problem further down the chain just before exchange at the beginning of June which has caused a halt in my purchase- currently nothing has moved for 2 months and it is unclear how much longer it will take (end of chain purchase in probate), but it will go ahead once probate cleared.

I am refusing to sign final documents giving up my right to the marital home, which we both stay in some of the time, until my purchase is moving again and has a clear timescale attached.

He says IABU - I am breaking our agreement and is throwing a major hissy fit with much bullying behaviour. I think HIBU to expect me to sign over the house without having secured my own.

Who IBU??

I also think that the purchase & transfer being linked and happening pretty much simultaneously is the norm. Am I wrong in this?

He is BU as you agreed to transfer ownership to him only after you exchanged on your new home. Unless he expects you to be homeless and then when will the kids stay when they are with you?!

Actually, sorry if not clear in initial post, I had agreed to transfer prior to my exchange but only because owner and I had agreed a completion date just a month off and paperwork was being drawn up so it seemed everything was imminent. Once everything stalled with my purchase I then told him I would not go ahead with the transfer documents until it moved again.

Tbh if I was your ex I'd be really annoyed. You have no timescale as how long this is going to take.

I can think of lots of things that could influence whether YABU or not.

Are you paying rent for where you are now?
How are you buying food?
Are doing your share of housework or are you leaving things?
What are the general arrangements?
What are you doing to chase the property?

You're not stalling the purchase, it's just one of those all too regular situations that happen with house sales/purchases. You fully intend to complete the purchase at the earliest opportunity as does the seller. I think he's being unreasonable.

How is this affecting him? Is it holding back his own housing situation and causing him any practical or financial implications?

YABU. Your delay should not affect him and the agreement that you drew up. This isn't a short delay, this has gone 2 months with no end in sight. I would be tamping too if I were him.

Why can’t he just buy you out and give you the money and you sign the documents before you buy a house?

Thanks for the replies- a mixed bunch so far!

I'll nswer questions:

@Boneyback-

Are you paying rent for where you are now? We are birds nesting- so kids are in the family home and we also rent a nearby 1 bed flat- we each spend 50% of the time in each and both pay rent & mortgage etc
How are you buying food? We each buy food and household things for the time we are in the house with the kids and cater for ourselves at the flat
Are doing your share of housework or are you leaving things? I do more housework
What are the general arrangements? Not sure what you mean by this other than the above
What are you doing to chase the property- regular contact with my solicitor and estate agent but someone died, house is in probate , it's a process that sits with the probate office. I have started looking again but starting a whole new purchase may take even longer than waiting for this one.

@ChocolateMousse- as he is buying me out it means he cannot yet take full ownership and possession of our marital house and start the building work he wants to

@HerRoyalNotness
He can buy me out and give me the money. This leaves me having to rent until my property completes. To rent a place that I can live in with the kids will cost nearly double what my mortgage will be and I can't afford that, live in London & rents are astronomical - or I could use the money he is giving me for the house to supplement the rent but that then eats into deposit for the house I am buying or the little I have to buy furniture etc. Finances are very tight for me.

I don't think you are 100% BU right now but i would say probate can take ages - average in UK is 9-12m and I think that's too long to make him wait.

If you give in to your ex partner you could lose your family home while he keeps his. You would be mad to sign IMHO. He will have to wait. It is in his children’s interest that their mother should not be homeless.

What does your solicitor say?

Yanbu. I under stand his irritation but it's the nature of house buying.

@GabrillaMontez
Have been trying to do it without solicitors on the whole, apart from adv

Sorry got post accidentally...

Apart from advice on key documents. However have emailed one at 4am this morning when unable to sleep as I definitely need some now after last emails from him.

Get solicitors!!! A good one will take the emotional crap out of all this

Of course you are right not to sign anything over until you have a clear path forward!

But of course that’s the advice a solicitor would have given you :)

You are not being unreasonable here, you know this, he knows this. He will be frustrated at the stall, of course, it stops everyone getting on with their lives. He needs to understand that you too want to move on, and as you have the kids to think of it has to be the right move to make things as easy for them as poss

They have had enough turmoil already

YANBU at all Op. You need to have somewhere secure to live before you consider signing anything over. I agree that legal advice would be best.

I’d be looking for another house to buy - you could be another 6+ months waiting for probate, and sharing the FMH for that long is unfair on both of you.

Well clearly you're doing what you need to to make it as easy as possible for you, but you are making your problem his problem. So he is the one suffering not you. Probate sales are notorious for delays so this could have been predicted.

You need to do what you wish to do, but I'd try to find a way to be empathetic, as much as it's not your fault this has happened, it is your problem, not his and it now has become his, so it's reasonable he's fucked off about it.

I really think you need a solicitor. Whatever you do, do not sign the house over to him until you have completed yourself. If you do, what is to stop him reneging in the agreement to give you the money? Also start looking for another house, probate takes forever and may never be sorted.

Thanks for answering the question, the general bit was about car sharing and general life situations.

It sounds like you are doing as much as you can so YANB totally U, but I also think that he isn't BU either.

The more that this drags on the worse its going to get.

Thanks for all the replies! They have given me food for thought.

I do get he is pissed and have told him I get his anger and frustration- I feel it too. I do empathise but at the end of the day that isn't helping him. He's not interested in my empathy, understandably I guess, as he isn't getting what he wants and is now doing a number of things to punish me for not going ahead with the transfer- but that's a whole other thread!

Have made contact with a solicitor but £500 for an appointment