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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bullying at work

18 replies

namechange123779 · 14/08/2019 22:47

Posting more for traffic more than anything else, does anyone have any success story's with work bullying?

Wondering if it's worth the stress or should I just leave? 6 months worth of documented incidents, increasing weekly

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
NauseousNancy · 14/08/2019 22:51

I was bullied at work for a period of a year. I took a grievance out. It was a very long and stressful period. They were both disciplined.

One was removed from working with me. The other wasn’t. The one who stayed has never bothered me since.

AntHilda · 14/08/2019 22:53

Honestly, if it's possible just walk away and find work elsewhere. Workplace bullying is soul destroying x

NameChangedForTheDay · 14/08/2019 22:55

I joined a union and when my manager then pulled her next trick, I got the union in and they wiped the floor with them. Join a union.

WhyBirdStop · 14/08/2019 22:56

It depends on the size of the company, five people and one of the bullies is the owner's child, cut your losses and leave. Larger company where there are HR processes, potential remedies, different departments etc, definitely worth doing. It's highly unlikely the bully will be fired unless you've got concrete evidence of some pretty awful stuff, so you've got to think about if you could work on the same organisation as them in the future even if they changed or you never had to work directly with them again.

WhyBirdStop · 14/08/2019 22:56

Oh definitely join a union if you're not already a member. My rep is amazing.

NauseousNancy · 14/08/2019 22:57

Just to add - I wasn’t in a union.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 14/08/2019 23:02

Hi OP.

Obviously, it's difficult to give advice from what you've written, and none of us know you or your bully or the place you work.

I'm an ex union rep.

I think if it's CLEARLY black-and-white (i.e. if you have a proven track record of being good enough at your job and the bullying is clear [such as racial or sexist] and you have witnesses who are prepared to go on record) then you should be in a position to put in a grievance.

Although, if you work for some very small (for example: Family-owned, 15 employees or less, no HR) organisation, there'd be no point.

However, if there are (legitimate) questions over your competency, no witnesses (willing to go on record) and the bullying is very circumstantial (he said/she said) then I'd just leave.

Does your workplace have a union and are you a member? Because if you are, talk to your rep.

How long have you worked there?

Sorry if this isn't helpful.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 14/08/2019 23:04

sorry, in the time it took me to type that, x-posted with loads of people who said it better!

namechange123779 · 14/08/2019 23:14

Thank you so much ❤️ your hr advice is massively appreciated, sorry for not disclosing much very outing , big company almost 3000 employees but the perpetrator is VERY well thought of, it would be a PR nightmare.

I've diarised every incident for the last 6 months, people present, times dates etc. I'm really hoping that I can challenge this appropriately and resolve but it's very difficult as has now moved from belittling, undermining, professionally embarrassing & general bitchy behaviour in to mild racism, which I've tried to ignore as I think it's provoking behaviour

I feel very conflicted as if my kids asked me how to deal with a friend who behaves like this my advice would be very different to how I'm reacting, I'm essentially ignoring and hoping will go away 🤦🏻‍♀️ for context I'm middle aged and way past playground drama!

OP posts:
KT2019 · 14/08/2019 23:25

You've done the right thing by documenting it. I wouldn't worry that they are well thought of, it's amazing how your perception of someone can be different to others. If they are being a bully openly then chances are they aren't actually that well thought of and others might be feeling the same about the person.

Take it to HR, no need to join a union and pay fees unless you feel you really need it. You can choose to have another work colleague in with you at any meetings etc without them being an official rep if that helps /if you have someone you trust.

Dragongirl10 · 14/08/2019 23:28

there is more than one way of dealing with bullies. Get clever and nasty, attack her /his weak spot in a way no one could possibly know. Fight back until they get the message.

namechange123779 · 14/08/2019 23:29

Sorry should have said there's no union available, although I've not looked in to external advice services, also it's not my manager, we have similar role profiles but I am more experienced/qualified , thank you all

OP posts:
namechange123779 · 14/08/2019 23:34

@Dragongirl10 that's the absolute advice I'd give my kids!!! Thank you x

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 14/08/2019 23:58

Most decent workplaces now deal with bullying quite well, as they are worried about getting sued plus bad publicity. I've experienced it twice. In the first, the firm, bent over backwards to accommodate me so as to stop it although the perpetrator remained as she was good at her job. In the second, two of us were bullied by a new manager and we both resigned and moved to new jobs and both of us wrote exit letters which clearly explained why. We then heard that he had been sacked! I was younger then so probably would have stood up to it now instead of leaving, but the new job was better paid anyway!

I think your bully is counting on you not standing up to him. If he is being racist, this is a gift to you if you wish him to be held to account. Take evidence and retain it!

NameChangedForTheDay · 15/08/2019 00:09

Just join Unite OP. We didn't have a union at my workplace, so I joined Unite off my own back.

They were excellent and got a warning overturned, which I'd got for an extended sickness absence, which was due to a spell in intensive care while on holiday, then signed off to recover when we finally got home.

I was so grateful to the union.

You could always call ACAS for advice too.

Standingonceremony · 15/08/2019 00:25

Are they actually well thought of or are they accepted because of their bullying behaviour and people are too scared to call them out? If everyone says the bully is great, people are scared to stick their head above the parapet and say otherwise.

Keep documenting. Whether you decide to act or not it's handy to have. ACAS are helpful if you don't want to join a union.

You need to know what it is that is happening. Is it bullying? Is it harassment? Is it discrimination? Is it someone doing their job? Try and look at it objectively. I knkw it can be hard when you're the subject but trying to see it from another POV can make it look different.

Is it something you could sort informally? Would a quiet word with the person or their manager or HR sort it? My last manager kept teasing me in front of people. It might have been bullying but I spoke to him and told him I don't like it as it humiliated me, he genuingely didn't realise, was horrified, apologised, bought me a bottle of wine and stopped.

If you decide to act, be realistic about what will happen and what you want to happen. Look at your allegations and evidence, the organisation culture and unfortunately how that person and you are viewed. Basically, who does the organisation prefer? It shouldn't come down to that but often it does. Some organisations are great and will investigate impartially and properly, others won't.

If you act, understand who will and won't be on your side. It takes a strong person to stand up and not everyone is strong. You might lose people you thought were friends, or at least who you thought would have your back. But you can't take it personally, they are probably scared of repocussions.

Bringing an allegation of bullying is hard work. It is scary and emotional. You have to relive everything and you do question yourself. People can distance themselves from you or stab you in the back.

In my case I knew I wouldn't win. It absolutely was bullying and I had evidence no doubt about it but the organisation was weak and my face didn't fit. I knew from the start I would lose my job as a result of my grievance but it got to the point where I had to do something.

The organisation ralied around my bully and senior managers made it clear from the outset I would lose my job. In hindsight I think they were trying to scare me into dropping the allegation.

I think I shocked them because they thought I was weak, over emotional and disorganised. I wasn't and made things very uncomfortable for them for a while.

As I say, it wasn't upheld but that wasn't a shock. I did lose my job as a direct result of my grievance but it made it very difficult for them. I can't go into details but I left very happy.

I know HR reps on here will say, no you didn't lose your job as a result of your grievance and if you did they acted illegally etc but it absolutely was as a direct result of that.

I left, I made things hard for them for a while but I know nothing will change long term. My replacement also experienced bullying and left which says it all really.

In reality they probably laugh about me now if they even think of me.

I kind of think though, I'm proud of myself for making a lot of noise. Sure, nothing changed but I stood up for myself. I ended up out of work but I held my head up as I left and it was more on my terms, than theirs. I made it clear they couldn't do what they did to me and expect me to lie down and take it. It took a while to stand up to them but I did.

It took me a long time to mentally recover from the bullying and the grievance process. Even now, if I get called into an unexpected meeting at work my first thought is panic.

My grievance was hard and I'm not sure I'd recommend people go down that route but it was right for me and I'm glad I did it even if it didn't seem to achieve much for anyone looking in.

Standingonceremony · 15/08/2019 00:39

And read your work policies and stick to them to the letter. Don't leave yourself open to criticism that you didn't do x or you did y instead of z.

An organisation that size will have a very clear policy on bullying and discrimination and hopefully a HR department who is on the ball.

If there is any hint of racism in a company that size and with a PR presence, I would imagine it will be dealt with quickly and succinctly.

Don't feel bad about not acting and just hoping it will just go away. That is a normal response. Everyone thinks they'd stand in the middle of the office telling their boss to sling their hook but the reality is very few people would and actually that isn't always the best course of action anyway.

Skittlesandbeer · 15/08/2019 01:00

Agree with Standingonceremony to take a good, objective look at your work performance before starting the grievance process. It’s unfair but true that any misstep will be brought up, and can influence the outcome. In the end it seems companies back whoever is more aligned with their goals.

If you have a clean record and positive performance reviews, with a couple of instances of above-and-beyond service to point to, then stand tall and make a fuss.

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