Am i a rubbish mum?

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NC for this. 3 DC, 6, 2.5 and 3 months.
I don't know what to expect but posting here for traffic.
All i seem to be doing at the moment is shouting at DC. Dont get me wrong- its for misbehaviour or fighting mostly- theyve had enough of each others company now. 2.5yo is a handful to say the least but both lovely kids. I just dont know how to handle things better? I don't feel happy or like im coping even though they get fed, bathed, housenis tidy etc. I get really stressed by mess so spend all day tidying after them or doing dishes etc. DP does virtually nothing around the house- i cook, clean, do washing,bins, cut grass. Usually with 3 kids in tow. I feel like the tidiness issue has got worse though i dont think OCD?
Separate issue is we have a cat and dog that dont get on. Desperately trying to rehome dog as he has bitten and i don't feel i can take risk with kids- plus cleaning up behind him too. Again i do most of the care and clearing up outside- only thing DP regularly has started doing is walking him. He doesnt understand how difficult it is to walk a dog that pulls with 3 kids- toddler runs off constantly too!
I want to be a better mum as i love them all so much but just seem so grumpy. I feel like i never get a break- 2 nights a week DP gets home about 10pm as he goes to football training. Sundays we travel to visit his DM (hour away). Otherwise he just sits watching videos on his phone. When he gets in from work I will give him baby so i can dish up or finish tea and most of the time he gives baby back after 5 mins or puts on floor.

Thanks if you got this far. Feeling like a failure tonight after losing it with them earlier x

You sound like a lovely mum who's been pushed past her limit by an unsupportive, selfish and rubbish father. Time for strong words and boundaries.

Actually I'd shove his bloody phone up his arse and see if he can watch his bloody videos from there!

Just to add, funds are tight as on maternity pay. We arent a high income house. So cant take kids off for days out etc adding to guilt. We have had many arugments about what i spend on groceries per week (between 50 and 70). I pay half of everything although earn about £200 a month less when not on SMP. I buy the kids stuff and try not to ask for money but im very worried at the moment avout covering bills etc. DP has had to dip into ssvings already (has approc £6000) and is being even more tight- no chance of a day out!

You are anything but a bloody failure OP. You sound like super mum to me.

But your lazy arse H needs to step up and only you can make that happen. He will never take it upon himself to do it.

You deserve more than this.

Yep, arsehole husband is a massive contributing factor here.

3 kids is a huge amount of work and you appear to be doing 99% of it on your own.

So presumably DP is out at work during the day so you're on your own anyway. My suggestions would be (apart from the phone up the arse):

See if you can get the 2.5 yo into nursery asap. He/she should be entitled to their free hours from 3yo, so there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Take ddog to a rescue, as clearly you're at the end of your tether. We've got a RSPCA rescue near us, so there must be more across the country.

Have a serious talk with dp and tell him you can't do it all on your own. He should be putting the bins out, cutting the grass, and doing his fair share of household chores. If he won't, REHOME DP!

2.5yo was in childcare but not while im on MAT leave. They go back in January when i return to work although hopefully can do a few odd days in between with childcare vouchers i have saved up. Dog is currently advertised with a rescue (home from home scheme) but no luck yet. Have less options as he has bitten! DP not on board with rehoming but ive put my foot down. I know that his lack of help is a lot of the problem but whenever i complain it gets turned around and im the bad guy :(

You’re the bad guy for asking your DP to contribute in his own home?

He sounds awful op You’d be better off without him from what you’ve written here. What’s the actual point of him?

OP, this is totally me right now, except my DH is nowhere near as unhelpful as yours (could be a lot more helpful though...)
6, 3 and a baby here, the 3 year old is driving me mad and I’m so snappy and grumpy, and then as soon as he’s asleep I feel dreadful. And god the mess!! I just can’t get on top of it all.

Double buggy may make life easier out an about op....
Sling and toddler in buggy?
Cancel dh's phone may be an idea too.. Or spill a cuppa on it...
Ltb even better idea imo..
He adds nothing but extra work to you...

Mine are 5, 4 and 7 months and the summer holidays are enough to break the most patient of parents! I’m struggling and my DH is about a million times more helpful than yours.
As I’m sure you’re aware, this is where your issue lies. Your DH needs to step up.

You sound like an awesome Mum, but exhausted! What you need is time off. Maybe just leave the house on the weekend so your DP has a chance to bond with the kids?

But honestly, we've all been there, yelling at the kids. I remember one bad, bad day I was shouting at them for coughing when they were sick. Just burnt out.

Oh honey, you poor soul!

You're not a rubbish mum, you're an absolutely exhausted one. It's such a draining time. You need a break, DH needs to step up and you definitely need some help. The dog need to go to a shelter ASAP.

If you have any pals locally, ask them for help.
It really helps.

I did it some years back - said "You know when you meet a friend and ask how things are going, and they tell you it's been awful and you say "why didn't you say something? I would have helped''... well this is that time and I'm struggling so if anyone can help, I would really love that."

And my friends did.
And it was amazing.

Definitely not a rubbish mum. Your DP sounds like a rubbish dad though.
You are spending tonnes of energy on housework. Don't. It's a waste of life, imo.
Your DP seriously needs to get off his arse. How's it going to be with you back at work? All the chores, child-stuff plus working. Fuck that.

I'm all for ltb.

The dog situation is very worrying with your kids being the ages they are, if I were you I'd speak to the vet or a national charity like the Dogs Trust for urgent advice regarding rehoming.

I’m quite a hard judge sometimes but I think you sound like you’re managing a lot quite well. There’s all sorts of things contributing to your sense of being out of control. The constant tidying is probably a symptom of that but also adding to your problems.
Your partner isn’t helping either practically or emotionally. He has brought three children into the world and needs to do more.
I would think he should be -
Giving you a lie in on one day at the weekends. That means an undisturbed lie in except feeding baby if you are bf. You should also have an evening off to do what you want.

Take full responsibility for the dog. If it bites it shouldn’t be near children. Send it to a rescue centre. Hard but necessary.

Have set jobs that are his to take responsibility for - ideally that wouldn’t be necessary but if he doesn’t see what needs doing, it’s the only way. That would be garden, bins, dishes or bedtime, entertainment planning for children at the weekend, hoovering and making beds.

You probably need to focus less on housework.. It doesn’t end and your children are too young to just entertain themselves whilst you’re cleaning.

An adult conversation about money is needed. It either all goes into one pot with equal access and shared decisions or you pay a pay bills so you the same agreed amount each for spending. His football must cost money which seems hugely unfair when you have so little to feed the family on.

There will be local free things that are much nicer than cleaning or shouting at the children. Walk to the park. Feed local ducks. Make playdough in the microwave. Go to library story time. Have a reading and cuddle afternoon. Go to a mother and toddler group. Get them out and seeing the world.

What exactly do you get out of your relationship with your partner?
Has he always been a disrespectful, lazy arse or has there been a change more recently?

Would your life be easier without him?

You are not a rubbish mum!
I have these days, today was one of them days.I only have two though , you sound like your doing fantastic. Also your not alone regarding always feeling like your tidying I am the same, I hate my self for it I just want to feel relaxed and play with them and let them play but I'm constantly hovering around tidying and cleaning all day long and feeling irritated every time they empty the train track all over the floor. I can't just relax. I've being very snappy today too and have and do feel horrendously guilty but tomorrow's a new day and I'm just going to try do better!

Why the hell are you putting half the money in when he earns more?

Where is the surplus money going? Why isn't it shared?

You have a rubbish dp. Presumably he was rubbish before you had your 3rd child, possibly even your 2nd child. Is there the remotest chance he will shape up in the next year or so?

Phone rspca tomorrow or dogs trust. It has to go now.

Get out of the house, walk to a park or friends, wear them out. Mornings best then they are calmer in the afternoon.

DP drop phone in water, dry and replace secretly.

Where is your family and his in all this??

I find the mess gets to me because it adds to the feelings of stress and claustrophobia that you can get with young kids and the feeling of being out of control. I’ve been in a very similar situation but I’m doing it alone now. It’s physically exhausting but easier psychologically.

DP needs to help more. You sound great. Dog needs 2-3 walks a day. Can you get dog walker in? Borrow my dog is website for people who want to borrow dogs for walks.
At that age kids really don't need expensive days out. But I would say you need to aim to be out for couple of hours in morning. Can just be park/library.
Can you face hosting play date for 6yo? Usually by that age they can play more independently. This would then hopefully be reciprocal.
DP needs to help more - take at least older two out somewhere at weekend.

You don’t need lots of money to entertain the kids.
Get them out after breakfast for a runaround even in the rain. Get wellies and raincoats.
Go for a walk to the park, feed the ducks, find your local woods.

Your dp sounds rubbish. Have a chat with him and ask him to do some allocated chores every evening he’s at home and to actually spend 30 minutes with his kids before he parks his lazy arse.
He can play with them, read to them or give them a bath.
Giving him actual tasks and time slots may at least force him to contribute something.

Haven't read the whole thread but the fact you are asking shows you're a fab mom tbh from what you have said about your DP it seems that's where the issue lies. If he's out 2 nights a week and you're then commuting to see his DM once a week he has the lion share of time - I'd look to get some time back for yourself and let him take the children to his DM alone - or perhaps the older two if you're not comfortable with the baby going as well? Then take a night to go out yourself to the gym or for a walk and go from there. Easier said than done I know but this has to change