To refuse to borrow money from my family?

[Tafelberg]

A couple of weeks ago I made the decision to break up with my "D"P of nearly 2 years, as we had been arguing more and more often (mostly initiated by him, the most recent one having led to him telling me "fuck you" and "go fuck yourself") and I felt that I was too miserable to stay any longer.

Before this latest fight, we recently moved into a new rental property with both our names on the lease, which is for 12 months with no break clause - we did ask for one at 10 months but it didn't get put in for some reason and neither of us spotted it before signing the contract. When we were looking for a new place, we had been having some problems already, including arguments about what we could afford flat-wise. I earn a lot less than he does and we needed to get a two-bed as he has two young DC who come and stay with us every other weekend and for holidays etc. They had been staying in our bedroom on put-up beds in our previous flat which obviously wasn't sustainable for much longer as they're getting older. He eventually said that we would get a flat that he could afford to pay the rent on by himself, and that I could pay a contribution of what I used to pay in rent on a flat I lived in before we got together, the implication being that if we split up I could move out and he would be able to stay living there.

Anyway, shortly after moving into this new flat (which I know now I should never have done given we'd been arguing so much beforehand, lesson definitely learnt) we had this latest row and I decided I couldn't continue in the relationship any more. I have been living with my DB, his partner and their baby since then and my original plan was to try and find a houseshare somewhere near them.

However - my exDP is now adamant he cannot afford to pay the rent by himself. The agreement I thought we'd made about the rent was over WhatsApp but he's saying he didn't mean in it in the way I took it and that it was in relation to a different flat we'd looked at (it was, but in my view that's a moot point as the rent costs on our current flat are only a bit more). He initially said he couldn't do it at all, but has now said he will be able to take on the lease in December, meaning I have to continue paying rent until then.

I've considered every possible option, have spoken to our landlord who wants us to sort it out between ourselves which is fair enough, to friends, family and even a legal team through work. I've been advised that as it's a joint tenancy, if I left, the landlord could come after either or both of us for the rent. My exDP could and probably would take me to court for the owed rent even if it would end up costing him more in fees - he is angry and I think prepared to do anything just to make my life difficult. I can't stay with DB as he has a very young family and it's not fair on them. I can't afford to pay rent on two properties so don't seem to have any other option than to stay living in the guest/kid's room until December.

I explained this to my family and between them they have offered to lend/give me the money to cover the rent for the three months so I can afford to move somewhere else. They're worried about the consequences staying in the flat with him will have on my mental health and whether his anger could erupt again and potentially lead to violence, though it never has before.

I've thought and thought about this but just can't bring myself to accept it. I know I'm being proud and stubborn, but my DM in particular cannot afford to shell out hundreds of pounds over my own stupid mistakes and lack of judgement. I'm also in debt as it is and just really don't want to come out of this with even more debt hanging over me - owing it to a bank would be bad enough, to my lovely patient kind and understanding family would be even worse. I'd feel guilt and unhappiness over that for far longer than three months.

Sorry this is so long - I didn't want to drip feed. I don't really know why I'm asking about this as essentially my mind is made up. Just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom on my situation or at the very least how to successfully grey-rock myself through the next three and a bit months

Move into the spare room. Put a lock on it. And do not vacate for his kids. Not if you are paying for the room.

Sorry of this has already been suggested but if you change the council tax then he would get a single person discount.

What is happening with the other bills?

@Pikapikachooo yeah, a lot of my friends have said I can stay with them for weeks/weekends they're away on holiday or whatever, so that will help a lot.

@ShhhBeQuiet that's a good point, I will keep that in mind. I pay £50 on top of my rent towards bills (and will do throughout the three months), he pays the rest.

August to December is 5 months, not 3. But I agree, you need to move into the spare room and not vacate it. He can't have it both ways.

@Tafelberg well, it was a horrible break up from an abusive relationship. I had moved very far to be with him and didn't really have anywhere to go. I wasn't in 'immediate danger' if that makes sense but he had beaten me pretty badly in the past, although when I finally decided to end it, it hadn't happened for some time.

So because I was on the lease I decided to just stay in the spare room (stupid, I know, I should have reported him and not even BEEN with him at that point, but I suffer from very poor mental health and don't always make the right decisions) which wasn't the WORST, although it was very very awkward and a horrible situation to be in. We just kind of avoided each other and he would have these moments where he would come to my room and cry and apologise for what he'd done to me.

Eventually after a month or so he got fed up with me being there, got his mum to pay me my share of what the deposit would be back, which allowed me to find a cheap room and he quickly moved his friend in.

As for the lease, who knows, it was risky on my part because I could have been pursued for rent or taken to court by him but presumably his friend was paying my half so I guess it worked out for both of us in the end.

I think if I'd stayed there longer we would have just been like flatmates who don't really like each other very much and it probably would have been quite miserable, but I would have managed.

I'm not sure that is helpful in any way! However I do think you should stay there, and be prepared for the fact that if you don't stay for the full lease then he could be spiteful and take you to court, just to be an arsehole.

@TheresWaldo he’s away for the last part of August and our rental period starts/ends the middle of the month - so I’ve been thinking of it as three and a half months but yes I suppose technically it’s five, apologies for not being totally specific.

@Crybabyghoul that’s awful. I’m so sorry you went through that, both the living situation and the abuse that led up to it. Thank you for sharing your story though. I think we’ll end up exactly as you describe, housemates who don’t like each other. As for the lease, I’ve made sure the landlord knows my exP has agreed to take it on in his name in December and that I won’t be paying any more rent after that. If my ex goes back on that agreement I’ll happily let him take me to court.