Should I just power through this? (SAM/toddler/holiday/work)

[EssentialHummus]

I can't figure out if my current failure to cope is OK in the circs or a sign that I need to get more help in. I SAH (mostly), working during naps and evenings. Things are fine when our normal routine works:

• Term time
• Nanny one day a week, 09.30-4pm
• DD naps 1-3
• We go out 2x per day, usually meeting friends in the local parks or an errand/shops
• DH has her for an hour in the morning before work.

Except that right now:

• It's the holidays, a lot of my friends are away and groups shut
• Nanny is on holiday too, we've gotten a replacement in but shorter hours only
• DD has decided she doesn't nap. She very clearly does still need a nap as she's a gibbering wreck by 2pm, but if I put her down she stands in her cot and screams "All done, all done!" until I get her out. Testing boundaries? Separation anxiety? Who knows?
• DH is off on a work trip from this Sunday for a week.

She's also just older (nearly 2), talking, wanting her own way and as much as she's delightful company she's just more draining than she was. There's a limit to how many "Yes, that's a cat" conversations I can have and I don't feel I'm engaging meaningfully with her.

I've tried to get a nursery place and more or less failed (it's a different thread, but the nursery place I'd sorted for Sept fell through and the nursery didn't tell us until I got in touch with them. We live in the sort of place where you practically take the positive pregnancy test to the nursery and sign up, there's that much demand.).

I'm not coping. I'm irritated by DD and DH, dreading the coming week, angry at her for not sleeping, stressed about work. Things are fine when they’re all fine, but if one thing goes wrong I have nothing left in me for any resilience. This morning the nanny is in and I am in a cafe trying to work, but my PC has chosen this morning to update itself veeeery slowly and I could actually scream in frustration - if I don’t work now, my next chance is after bedtime. AIBU to continue like this and hope that it’ll pass, or does this sound like more than a tough phase?

I think realistically you need to look at your arrangements long term.

Your DC isn't going to nap forever and it's asking for disaster to be relying on that time to work. By 2, my eldest was having short naps and probably only ever other day. Youngest stopped napping completely at 18 months old.

By working in the evenings etc it means you're probably not getting much time to do anything for yourself either. I've been there and done that. I'm now working Monday to Friday 9-5 because I was having a nervous breakdown getting no time for myself.

Depending on your circumstances, I think you need to look at getting a job outside the home where you can interact with different people etc. Or get some form of child care so you can work from home in the day in peace.

Relying on nap time to work

You can't keep going as you are, you need proper childcare in order to work.

How much working are you actually doing? Do you have set hours?

If you genuinely can't get a nursery place I'd suggest upping the nanny to 2 days (at a minimum).

I’m self-employed and set my own hours. I do an hour or so a day, more on nanny days. The work is more to keep my hand in than for money, though the money is good.

Hiring the nanny for another day - it would become a lot more expensive, because at the moment she is legitimately self-employed but any more money/days and we would need all the admin and expense of setting her up as an employee, which she isn’t keen on either.

Find a part time childminder, drop off to her three morings a week or something like that. Use the time for your work from home and if you don't need as much time, use it for yourself too, we all need a break sometimes.

Children do stop napping though, that was never a long-term solution. You might need to rethink this one, could you get more help in until you find a nursery place?

Can you find a childminder? Or drive further for a nursery with spaces? Why do you need to work an hour a day? Could you condense that into one long day, which the nanny does.
It’s perfectly possible to work with good childcare (I work FT with 3 kids) but you have to have a proper set up in place.
Kids drop their naps when they do.. it’s not fair to be cross because you need that time to work.
One other option is getting up at say 5am to get your hour or so done before she gets up.

I see your predicament. However working during naps isn’t feasible in the long term. It’s not fair on anyone.

If she won't nap, will she sit in front of Cbeebies for a decent time? I feel for you - also self-employed with no childcare at all until they were 2 when I sent them out to preschool for a couple of mornings a week. It was really hard juggling everything but I needed to do what work I could to stay sane. Once they got their free hours it was so much easier but it was a long and frustrating haul getting to that point.

In theory I could do that hour when DH has her. And yes, I sometimes do them all on the nanny day. Or take on more work for the nanny day - it’s all fine and I give my clients timeframes in advance. The current circumstances just feel like a perfect storm - coping, coping, then my computer decides to update itself and it all goes to shit. (It’s still updating btw - that’s 1h30 now.)

You could previously set a clock by DD’s naps.

And fwiw my long term plan was nursery. I signed up when I was pregnant ffs.

She probably would watch a bit of tv but in general that’s not something we’ve done. I don’t work when she’s up other than a very occasional one line email, and the only tv she watches is 15 minutes of Peppa before bed.

It's pretty spooky as I'm almost exactly in the same predicament.

I'm freelancing around toddler DS, just moved to a new city and can't find childcare. Working every spare hour I can grab and just completely burned out.

I agree with PPs, you can't rely on naps anymore. I was devastated when DS dropped them but it does mean he goes down earlier in the evenings now.

Expense aside I think for my mental health, and yours, getting adequate childcare in place is essential. It's too difficult to work like this on a long-term basis

Agree a childminder would be a good alternative if you're this stressed. It isn't going to get easier, and you need to have some sort of demarcation if you work from home.

We are all a bit bored by the incessant repetitious nature of our kids sometimes, but if you could rope off time for you to do your work in without interruption perhaps you'd have more patience for that toddler stuff. It is engaging and sweet, and she wants you.

And I should say I'm struggling to cope with the holidays with all of them at home and hardly getting chance to work BUT I think powering through has been the best decision - the youngest two start school in September and I have loads of work lined up because I've continued to accept everything i've been offered.

Relying on nap time to work

Worked for me. DD’s naps were solid and reliable. I was rarely disturbed.

My childminder is lovely and very flexible. If really recommend one

It’s hard. I worked part time but had a lot of spillover into my non working days. I used to get up at 5 and then work until 7 before doing a couple of hours over nap tome. It’s not really sustainable and I was stressed with it. So much so that I’m debating a full-time post so I have clearer home/work boundaries.

In your position I would rather WOH than carry on with the current set up. Having no clear boundary between home and work would frustrate me. At the moment it seems like you've got the worst of both worlds, the boredom and repetition of SAH a toddler but also the stress of trying to fit in work and no time for yourself.