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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a good idea?

29 replies

Worrywart21 · 14/08/2019 10:26

My mum is single and is currently trying to sell her house as she can’t really afford the (small) mortgage. Her house is worth £105k and she is trying to buy a house around £85k which would leave her mortgage free and with a few thousand to do the house up etc.

The thing is the houses are not in a great area/are not a great standard which she could obviously improve with her budget. She has little income and this will be her last house move. She has sold her house and needs to be out in 4 weeks so will probably come and stay with me until she finds somewhere.

We are also looking to move in the next year. I suggested to my OH that we could move together and enable us to buy a bigger house with extra living space for her In a better area.

We could use a portion of her money and then she would be left with a larger portion to spend on herself. She could contribute a portion towards bills and food.

I think this would be good for her as she gets a better area/house and equally we do too.

OH thinks it will cause issues especially with regards to inheritance as I have two siblings and her money would be tied to our house. Also as she gets older and may need more care it would fall all onto myself.

What are your thoughts.

Yabu - bad idea
Yanbu - good idea

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 14/08/2019 10:37

It's not necessarily a bad idea but you need to have a lot of things discussed and made clear before you go ahead, including future inheritance, how you will split bills, what expectations there are if she gets to a stage where she needs care, and so on. Don't just do it on a whim.

bridgetreilly · 14/08/2019 10:38

Also plan an exit strategy if it turns out not to work well for you or for her.

Nabana · 14/08/2019 10:41

I think it's a wonderful idea and I would love to be able to do the same for my parents one day.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/08/2019 10:49

I think it's a bad idea, especially for your DH who clearly is just trying to tactfully say he doesn't want to live with your mother

ElizaDee · 14/08/2019 11:31

I don't think you need to consider inheritance. Its her money to do what she wishes with while she's alive. She's not spending inheritance. When she passes, whatever is left is inheritance.

Original poster

Worrywart21 · 14/08/2019 11:40

Thanks, but when she passes my siblings will be entitled to the portion of her money which will be tied to my house...

OP posts:

TrueFriendsStabYouInTheFront · 14/08/2019 11:40

I think it's really sweet in theory and mutually beneficial. I'm sure it would be lovely for your mum to have you around all the time too. The obvious cons, as you've already listed are true, and what would your plan be if it didn't work? Obviously only you know what your relationship with your mum is like, and if you can spend large amounts of time together without wanting to throttle each other!

As for the inheritance side of things though, if it were me, I'd not want to have her money tied up in my home as then it will have to be sold. The only way to stop that would be for her to leave everything to you. I realise that's not particularly fair though so that would probably stop me if I were in this situation.

TrueFriendsStabYouInTheFront · 14/08/2019 11:44

Also you have to put yourself in your husbands shoes. Would he feel 100% comfortable and at home with his MIL present at all times? This could potentially be detrimental on your marriage.

Would it be worth it for what is essentially a temporary enjoyment of a larger house? You don't get to keep the house at the end because it needs to be sold to split the inheritance. Meanwhile, your husband has felt like an imposter in his own home and as you sensibly pointed out, if your mum was to suffer ill health, it would be you who dealt with that.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/08/2019 11:50

It's a bad idea because it's not been thought through

You would have to ensure you could afford to extend the mortgage to buy 2/3 of her shre out when she dies so you can give your siblings the inheritance

You havent even said what your mum would think about it

Could she not look at a ground floor flat or retirement type flat if she cant afford another house

If it did go ahead youd have to bottom out your husbands feelings about it and come to an agreement on things like

How often you will see her
How often you eat together
How to share bills
Is she included on every family day out and holiday
Are you expected to do all the care, lifts, shopping, admin etc for her when she is older
If she is too ill and has to go into a care home, what happens then and how would this be funded? If she is joint owner with you could you be forced to sell

Bluntness100 · 14/08/2019 11:50

Terrible idea, particularly for your partner. You will literally never be alone. As a couple you need your own space. These things seldom work out well.

And what happens when your mother passes, you may be forced to sell your home, and yes her care could be left to you. In addition you would have potential resentment from your siblings,

All round it's. Well meant but awful idea.

HollowTalk · 14/08/2019 11:58

Really awful idea.

And what if you divorce because your mum's always around? What happens then to the house?

How old is your mum?

HollowTalk · 14/08/2019 12:00

What happens if your mum meets someone and wants him to move in?

What happens if she meets someone and wants to move in with them, taking her portion of the value with her?

What happens if your new house devalues after Brexit?

Yeahnahmum · 14/08/2019 12:03

Beautiful thought
Bad idea

Robin2323 · 14/08/2019 12:04

There was s thread here about a couple who'd done this.

It had all gone wrong and the only to sort it out was to buy the mum out which they couldn't do - don't do it.

Too many moving parts.

whattodowith · 14/08/2019 12:07

Terrible idea. There was a thread on here where someone had done this exact thing and it went completely sour... I think it was her MIL and when they wanted to sell the house the MIL said no because she had put money into her annexe and didn’t want to sell it. Plus the MIL was a general nightmare to live with. I can’t remember the thread title else I’d link you to it.

Don’t. Do. It.

whattodowith · 14/08/2019 12:07

X post with @Robin2323. Wish I could find the thread...

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 14/08/2019 12:18

We did this nearly 10 years ago but my mum already needed care and would have needed to go into a home if we didn’t.
Full discussion with my sibling that any money my mum bought to the new purchase he would have no claim on. So in effect no inheritance.
My husband was in full agreement as at the time I was her Carer and spent at least half a day everyday going between our two houses. My children were teens so didn’t need the same level of care as a younger child would. And with the budget we had to play with we could buy somewhere where she could have her own space and we have ours.
In the years between a lot has happened. My children are fully grown, my husband had died but my mum is still with me and could be for another 10 years plus. She is now in her early 80s. Her care needs have increased and even though I don’t regret it my life is very much dictated by her needs. I can’t just go away on holiday or for a short break. She needs her meals made everyday, showering and personal care the list is endless.

Watchingthyme · 14/08/2019 12:27

I would only do it if it was a separated annex and all my siblings were happy. And understood that long term care would be undertaken by you at some kind of agreed %
Otherwise you’ll end up being the carer slogging your guts out and when she dies they’ll expect you to sell your house to give back what? 50k+ increased profit to them. Though they’ve nothing.

In general it builds resentment all round. You resent them because you’re the carer.

They resent you because they think you’ve just been handed free money which is theirs.

Honestly. I wouldn’t

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/08/2019 12:35

bad idea sorry OP- i forsee inheritance issues, plus the care, if you arent happy to do near on all of it in her later years

canyon2000 · 14/08/2019 12:36

Also think about if your mum went into a care home, then the council could request the fees from her share of the house.

ReasonablyIntelligent · 14/08/2019 12:38

I think your OH needs to be 110% on board with this, and he isn't. So YABU

Yabbers · 14/08/2019 12:40

My mum did this. Even though she has a close family and they got on really well, it caused real problems with money. It also really affected her relationship with my grandma and left her exhausted and depressed after caring for her for 15 years. They couldn’t take a holiday, or even come visit us for a weekend. The rest of the family didn’t lift a finger to help. Grandma didn’t need much care, but it was the relentless shopping, hairdressers, dentist, doctors, church trips that were difficult. And as she began to need more help, she refused carers, OT, equipment that would help. She was very proud and stubborn.

Think very carefully before you do this and if OH isn’t on board, then don’t do it.

Piffle11 · 14/08/2019 12:55

There are a lot of valid points already raised. I think you would need to speak to siblings to see if they would be expecting 'a share': it's ultimately up to your DM, and she could leave it all to you, if you were going to be acting as carer in her later years. Are you willing to do that? Also, if it's also DM's house you don't have any say in who visits her, and when: are you ok with that? And having a separate annexe doesn't automatically guarantee that she will use it … I know someone who had a lovely granny flat extension to their property, and yet her MIL is never in it, as she's always wandering around 'their' part. It's caused massive problems with her DH and also her DC (granny is often telling them what they should/shouldn't be doing, interrupting study because she's bored, etc) and of course now that the money is all tied up together, it's pretty much impossible to start thinking about splitting it up again. Her MIL hadn't put all the money into the new house: she'd put in just over half, and given friend's 2 sisters the other half between them. So even if my friend and her DH decided to split up the agreement and buy separately again, the MIL cannot afford to do so. It's a bit of a mess. And I remember when I was a child: my DGF lived with us and my DF was pretty much his carer. We could never go away without getting DGF looked after, which was often impossible. I think it's a lovely idea to look after a parent in their later years, but it impacts your whole family. Would you be happy to do it for DH's parent? If he's not in agreement then you really must listen to him.

Jellybeansincognito · 14/08/2019 13:08

Bad idea.

WhyBirdStop · 14/08/2019 13:10

DHs cousin did this after her father passed away, for reasons other than financial (aunt was already mortgage free and cousin didn't need extra equity). His aunt now lives with them in a bigger place, by the coast and they are so close and it's wonderful company for his aunt. Their children are young adults though. I couldn't do it with my mother, we get on much better not living together and she'd interfere too much with DS. I could live with my father quite happily. It depends more in your relationship than inheritance.

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