Money the root of all evil or at least family disquiet !!

[mhr]

I'm really not sure where this sits it's about money and tbh I really don't feel it's unreasonable!! I'm a senior nurse taking home about 3.7k per month sometimes a bit more with overtime etc my DH is a retired police officer taking home 3.2k without change every month. I am now as I have been for about 3yrs the bigger earner. DH retired on mental health grounds which has been really hard for us all 5 yrs ago he stays at home caring for 3x DD 11,10 and 8. Which is a full time job in itself. Here is the nub🤦‍♀️ I would love to be at home but we can't afford it him being quite mad (his words not mine) aside we have no choice. We have been married 26yrs and a joint account from the start much easier when I was a student and earned more but now I resent having to ask for money when I've worked a full 37.5 wk plus a lot of OT. We pay school fees for all 3 DD which I don't begrudge as that's our choice as well as a large'ish mortgage but as he's always controlled money I really have no idea what's left. We haven't had a holiday for 4 yrs and I asked tonight about looking at skiing which was something I've loved since childhood and we enjoyed for most of the winter ore DD's. Seemingly I'm being argumentative and looking to fight 🤦‍♀️😱. We've just extended mortgage to clear some debt I thought we had some spare money now as he wants to look at new cars and motorbikes . I get new car but I cant ride a bike on my own so would have to wait to spring at least to do this. I checked the main account today as I owe someone at work money for make up and even with £800+ yesterday for school uniform, shoes, trainers and stationary there is still £2600 in the account 14 days till I get paid I got quizzed about why I took £40 out. Aibu to resent having to justify everything and ask why we can't actually live a little when I am actually the main bread winner??? Other mothers at school etc don't get it as they are either sole income or lesser income. It's petty I know but I do feel I have to fight for every penny. Argument yesterday about buying winter uniform ?? Why??? It's not winter I'll have the money to cover it when it comes !! Argument tonight about buying wood to repair ALL the windows 16 big sash windows bad P&P the same whatever you order I wouldn't mind but we have a huge garage, hall and basement full width full of stuff that needs to go up/be done round the house bought over last three years as "good deal" but still waiting. Money gets spent in holidays on days out I don't get to go on as I'm at work doesn't seem to count I get that DD and DH get bored but I'd like to do something! This all sounds like a proper rant and it is but it's hard to find anyone else who is in the same position I'm either surrounded by stay at home mums who have the same problem but in reverse or working mums who still aren't main breadwinner . I really wish 25yes ago I'd kept a separate account which seems to be how most deal with this but that would cause even more arguments I think. Anyway anyone who has read to end thank you rant over 🤣 stay at home parents I think have a really raw deal but female primaries are in an odd position also I feel!! Thoughts???? Mx

So you don’t have a household budget where everyone agrees what gets spent?

It’s about deciding priorities for your family money.

We pay school fees for all 3 DD which I don't begrudge as that's our choice as well as a large'ish mortgage but as he's always controlled money I really have no idea what's left.

You’re paying 3x school fees on a little less than £7,000 pcm. How much are school fees? How much is a ‘largish’ mortgage?

Why don’t you have transparency over finances?

If the set up isn't working for you, you have the power to change it!:

1. Set up a sole account and arrange with your work for your pay to be paid into it.
2. Ask him for a breakdown of all monthly costs and say you'll transfer half of all of these costs to him (or maybe a bit more than half as you earn more).
3. Anything else (house repairs etc) are paid for 50:50 on an 'as and when' basis.

How do you think your DH would react if you told him this was the new way of managing finances?

there is still £2600 in the account 14 days till I get paid

The thing with ‘checking the account’ is that it doesn’t necessarily tell you much. In our case, we might be in this situation but most of that money would be already allocated to jobs like saving up for Christmas, a big birthday party for kids, savings towards annual subscriptions or the car tax next month or whatever. So there wouldn’t really be £2,600 free to spend at all.

Perhaps you should have an amount that is just "mad money" for you - an allowance, so to speak. Take it out of right after bills are paid. Your husband could have an equal "allowance".

You should also probably both review your accounts monthly, so you both know exactly where all money is going.

It's not a perfect solution, but it should stop or at least ameliorate your resentment.

You work bloody hard, he stays at home. You have a house full of diy stuff. He needs to clear some of these jobs before spending any more. As he is no longer working, he probably feels that he needs to take charge of the finances. You have to ensure that your finances are transparent and that you also have the apps etc that allows you to have visibility of your account. You should not have to justify every penny as you only tend to spend on the family with the occasional item for yourself and having been married for that long, he should know this.
It seems you are working but not seeing the benefit of shared family experiences and this would bug the hell out of me. This has to stop and you need the family breaks, probably more than he does.
It seems very one sided to me. Time to make a stand.

Do you have savings or is the money in the bank all you have?
It sounds like you want to live a little while his world is shrinking in his retirement.

Or he could be controlling - sorry hit post when I meant to type a bit more.

Sorry OP, I think I am being dense, but is he still earning 3.2k a month because if so I’m not sure you can go all breadwinner over £500. But if he isn’t, you need to sit down and go through your finances with him and be part of the process.

Are you envious that he earns about the same as you without having to work or do overtime?

I would go for separate bank accounts. I'd he's so keen to manage the finances he can tell you what you need to contribute each time.

The issue here is not who earns the most, it's that he gets a say and you don't.

I would HATE to be told off for buying a few bits of make up especially if we could easily afford it over all.