to be philosophical about the possibility of DP cheating?

[WhoPutBellaintheWychElm]

DP (together 2 years) is out tonight in another city with another woman. An old friend who he catches up with once a year maybe when visiting said city.

I have never met her. I don't know anything about her other than her name and a bit about her job and how they know each other.

Apparently his ex used to have a problem with him meeting up with his friend and it would cause tension/arguments. He asked if I was ok with it before he went.

I don't have a problem with it. He doesn't need to ask my permission to socialise with someone. I would never dream of telling a grown adult that they are forbidden to see anyone.

I trust DP, he's never given me any reason not to. Until such a point that he gives me reason to doubt him I'll continue to trust him.

I would never check his phone/emails etc. I'm not on any social media and am not in touch with any of his friends. Realistically, if he ever did cheat, I would never find out unless he told me.

AIBU to think that if it's going to happen there's fuck all I can do about it so I'm not going to waste my energy worrying about something I can't control? Or am I being naive?

I've been cheated on in the past and have been driven almost to the brink of madness by my ex's deception/hiding evidence/denial and my attempts to catch him out. Jealousy of the OW as well. I just can't and won't do that again.

AIBU?

No you sound like you have a normal, healthy relationship. Well done you considering your past as experiences like that can easily affect future relationships - it can be difficult to trust again.

Nope. This sounds very sensible to me.

This is completely normal.

No. But doesn’t mean he’s not cheating.

Sorry that wasn’t kind. I guess you made a choice. Posting here shows me you are a little uneasy.

I was always miss trusting. Had long distance relationships. Now I’d check anyone’s phone who I was with if I got an instinct. Because I was cheated on and if I’d checked when I had that feeling, I wouldn’t have been in such a pickle with a child with ex cheating scoundrel.

Relationships are serious. Emotionally. It’s okay to want some reasurance that you are not being betrayed.

However it’s a very tricky line. I know I’ve never overstepped. I haven’t looked into any other messages, never just been nosey, never been controlling, never been underhand. It’s a slippery slope in a way.

I just wish people never cheated. It’s an awful thing to do.

He probably isn’t cheating. But you are quite right to be philosophical. The sky wouldn’t fall in if he was. But I still have a feeling he isn’t- otherwise he would probably not have mentioned his plan to meet her.

The fact that he only meets her once a year and was open about it suggests he isn't, but no one really knows what people are up to when not with us. I have male friends I meet up with now and then from uni, definitely nothing going on there and never would- but I wouldn't stop keeping in touch if my partner got jealous as there's no need.

I’m sure there’s nothing in it. I do think it’s natural to worry but if you trust him that’s all you can do.

Sounds sensible and pretty normal to me. My DH has female friends, we socialise separately generally (lack of baby sitters make going out together a rare treat that we like to savour, just the 2 of us) and I've never once looked at his phone or laptop.
He might cheat I suppose, might already have. I don't think so but what I don't know doesn't hurt me and if I ever did find out I'd have to leave him so I'd rather not know

I agree completely and presume you are posting not because you are secretly worried but as a response to the usual posts on here However this is MN so be prepared to be told he's shagging her, to start snooping and get your ducks in a row.

Thanks all.

I definitely have issues carried over from my previous relationship. I'm having counselling to address this. But I also realise the total futility of actively worrying/being suspicious of someone.

If it ever came to light that he did cheat, it would be over. 100% non-negotiable. He knows my stance on this and my history and I genuinely believe he would never do that to me. But you never know somebody completely and people make stupid choices all the time.

I know how I feel about him and how strongly I know that I would never do something that would ruin our relationship so I know it's not impossible to stay faithful!

Am not uneasy about I'm seeing his friend, just wondered how other women would feel about his plans if it were their partner. I sometimes worry that my benchmark for 'normal' is a bit skewed.

I totally feel the same.

If my dp us going to chest he is going to chest. Driving myself mad isnt going to stop it.

Why does my phone change cheat to chest?

Your attitude sounds perfectly normal to me. My DH has never given me any reason not to trust him, and he really doesn't seem the type at all. It doesn't mean it could never happen - you never know. But when it seems so unlikely and you're both perfectly happy then I agree it's silly to waste time worrying about it. I have never snooped on him. If something happened that made me suspicious then I suppose that could change, but again - not worth worrying about the what ifs.

Fwiw in this situation his meeting sounds perfectly innocent.

I'm alright with DH spending time with other women because, frankly, if he cheated he'd be an absolute bellend. We have a lovely life he'd be jettisoning himself from. You can't prevent something happening by worrying about it, so there's no point wasting energy on 'what if'.

I'm very black and white when it comes to commitment and marriage. His behaviour is his responsibility, he knows this, and he knows enough of my past to know that our marriage would be over the moment he cheated.

You’re fine OP.

In your shoes I wouldn’t worry about him meeting this friend either, once a year? Hardly affair material is it?!

I think you’re right. Not every man is a cheater and not every woman will find him attractive. I meet up with male friends without DH and have never cheated on him. Enjoy your chilled evening solo!

Me and my Boyfiend have a relationship like this.

Two of his very best friends are attractive, successful females. He has known one since high school and the other he shared a house with at Uni.
He has met up with the second in Cuba extending a work trip. He goes and stays with number 1 for weekends in London to catch up with friends.
I know both women and they are lovely. Nothing romantically connected has ever happened between my boyfriend and these other women. My friends think it's weird that I 'allow' him to continue these relationships. I trust him 100% and these wonderful women were there first who am I to stop an importnat part of his life. I'm greatful that these friendships have helped shape him into who his is now.

As OP said if he did cheat then no amount of me worrying would make that less likely to happen and the relationship would be over.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted me to stop communicating with my male friends. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you own a person.