To not meet up with my dad?

[Throwaway8373r]

Its a very long story but my dad was emotionally abusive for my entire life. Walking on egg shells, huge displays of anger almost like tantrums and the 'rules' always changed so never knew where I stood. I thought it was normal to an extent until about mid twenties when I read up more about narcs and he ticked most of the boxes. I have been NC for about two years now and he has never met my children. Heres the thing, my brother is getting married in six months and I am feeling pressure from my family to meet up with my dad before the wedding. I have said at the wedding I will be civil and nice, talk about what a lovely day it will be etc but I dont want to talk about my life or my childrens as he doesn't deserve to know any of my life now.

I dont see the point in meeting up for a meal or something before the wedding? I would feel anxious and panicked and wouldnt want to talk to him, I dont think he would make the effort to start a converstation with me either? I am so confused, I feel like I have spend 25 years of my life trying to make my family happy, forgiving awful shouting and control and 'forgiving' them the next morning. I feel like now I have my own family and see what 'normal' is like, it has just reinforced how little I ever want to see him again.

At the same time I dont want the rest of the family to be worried about us seeing each other for the first time at the wedding after so long. Dont get me wrong, the arguments have always been one sided and could start from something as small as not sitting in the right place or not enough eye contact, or too much eye contact and then he would shout and follow round the housr for 4/5 hours. I would never do anything to cause an argument or start anything. I dont know what to do. Do I stick to my no contact rule apart from the wedding or do I get sucked back in and try to appease everyone else at the sake of my own mental health? At least everyone else would be happy then and wouldnt it be the same as two divorced parents putting their issues aside to be in the same room for the rest of the family? Please give me some advise :(

You have done a great job as an adult making your own family life nice and how you want it. Do not bow to pressure to damage your mh when you know its not what you want! I haven't seen df for over 20 years and wouldn't cross my mind to change that - certainly not from outside pressure...

Stick to your non contact rule op
Be civil at the wedding but avoid him as much as possible

I am feeling pressure from my family to meet up with my dad before the wedding

Please don't.
No, it is NOT like 2 divorced parents choosing to get along for a social event. It is like an abused child being forced to spend time with the adult who terrified, confused & manipulated her. Your FIRST duty is to protect your own mental health.

Your family is asking too much of you. You are NC for very good reasons - why are they pressurising you? For a charade of happy families? Your 'relationship' with your dad is your own business, & nobody else gets to force you to spend time with him.

You have already volunteered to play civil & nice around our dad at the wedding & frankly that is sacrifice enough. Why do your family want more from you? - are they minimising what you endured? Is it all just for show? DO they feel you "ought" to comply? (in other words, your feelings aren't important, we don't care if this makes you suffer, so long as you play along with whatever we want?)

If they continue the pressure tactics, you are going to need a few stock phrases to trot out - repeat, repeat, repeat these (broken record technique) to enable you to avoid engaging in any 'persuasion' or argument. Something along the lines of "my decision is made, I will see everybody on the wedding day". "No, that doesn't work for me, I will see everyone on the wedding day". "I am not discussing this any further, I will see you everyone on the wedding day".

Stick to your guns, OP.
Often, people on the periphery of fallout like this want us to pretend all that bad shit didn;t happen - it's more comfortable for them to deny your experience than accept the awful facts. Do not let people like this railroad you.

Yeah, there's no need to meet him before the wedding.

To be honest, it sounds more like a case of your family wanting you to rebuild a relationship with him, not being worried about what might happen at the wedding. Stick to your decision.

If there is any kind of confrontation at the wedding, it won't be your fault.

I can see why they think having the first meeting away from their wedding is a good idea. However what happens if your dad kicks off at you - that would mean a worse atmosphere for the big day. And that’s much more likely to happen in a smaller setting. What do they think you will talk about? You don’t want to discuss your life & DC with him. But he’ll be offended if you brush off his questions. It’s got disaster written all over it.

Are your siblings still scared of your dad? Are they worried he will create a scene?

Thank you so much for your responses, I feel like I am losing my mind trying to make everyone happy. I think the main point of meeting up before would be to test the water a little bit, and then my mum said that isnt it a shame that we couldnt all be together for my brothers birthday, they met up with him for a meal and then the next day me and my husband met him to celebrate.

It was fine, maybe my brother would have liked everyone to be together but he is 4 years older than me. He got some of the abuse but I took the lead in trying to stick up for both of us so i think thats why my relationship is more fractured now. I shouldnt have bothered. I think they are so used to feeling fake and pretending to be happy that they are so used to it.

I love the idea of using repeated phrases as there is no room for discussion. I heard a phrase the other day that 'no means no and is not the beginning of a negotiaion' which resonated with me.

I had my wedding a few years ago and he wasnt there even though there was also immense pressure for him to be there, even bringing his health into it. Not the feeling you should be having in the run up to a wedding at all

Prioritise your own mental wellbeing above making other people happy. Do your Mum and brother know the extent of the abuse? Presumably they were there too and now are minimising it or ignoring it. Keep saying no, you don't have to get into a discussion about why not, just stick no on repeat

I feel like I am losing my mind trying to make everyone happy

Aaaw @Throwaway8373r.
Then I must repeat - Your FIRST duty is to protect your own mental health.

It is common for adult survivors of childhood abuse to look to appease others - even at the expense of their own wellbeing. These survivors learn the pattern of peacekeeping & people-pleasing in an attempt to avoid drama & & keep everyone else happy.

Do not accept any pressure to meet with dad. You know he is going to make it all about him - he even managed to do that at your own wedding, with his conspicuous non-attendance.

Let the others fake it - you are not responsible for them. And keep pracicing your repeat phrases & Grey Rock technique :)