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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM - what would you do?

25 replies

coffeegin · 13/08/2019 10:28

Hi all - I'm posting on here as seems to get the most responses!

I am a 36 year old SAHM to my DD who is 20 months. I always meant to go back to work when she was one but my employer was very inflexible so I decided to wait until she was older and then look for a PT role if I could find one. I am now going a little insane at home with her all week and really want to get back into the workforce.

I am really struggling to find a PT job that covers the childcare costs and have now also been hit with an urge to have another baby (I always said I would wait until she was at least 2-2.5 and I was back in work).

My question is - what would you do? Do I suck it up and TTC now or keep trying to get a job and then TTC when I am back in work? Obviously not great for the company but my age is a factor. We were very lucky and quick to conceive DD so there is a chance it would happen straight away, but then again it may not.

I am so confused - I feel like maybe I should have 2 closer together if I can and then try to go back to work, rather than return and then be off again. I am scared that the longer the gap I have out of work the harder it will be for me to return, but is it really worth going back for a year and then being on maternity? We have agreed we only want 2 children.

Can anyone offer any advice/experience?

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeegin · 13/08/2019 13:16

Anyone?

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/08/2019 13:21

I guess it depends what your plans are after your second? Go back into full time work? Part time? Have a couple of years off again? As that will have a bearing on what you do for the next 9 months...

PixieLumos · 13/08/2019 13:28

It depends on your financial situation - if you can afford another child without you going back to work then go for it. I do find your post a bit confusing though - on the one hand your ‘going insane’ being at home, but then you want to have another child now. Having another child will obviously entail staying at home, which you don’t seem to want to do anymore. To be honest this urge to have another child sounds more like a reason to not find work, because job searching is a ball ache (I do sympathise) and as you’ve found out childcare is very expensive (I sympathise with this also). Like I said, neither is a bad decision as long as you’re financially stable - but be honest about your reasons and remember after your second child arrives job searching will not be easier and childcare costs will be more for two children.

Original poster
coffeegin · 13/08/2019 13:29

@AmIRightOrAMeringue thank you, yes I should have said that. I have realised I'm really not cut out to be at home full time so my long term plan would be to go back part time (if I can) after the 2nd one is around 1. I just can't decide whether its better to hold off TTC an try to fin a job first so I'm back at work for a while or wait until I have the second.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeegin · 13/08/2019 13:30

that was meant to read 'and try to find a job first' !

OP posts:
Raver84 · 13/08/2019 13:30

I'd get baby 2 done and worry about a job after you've finished having babies.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 13/08/2019 13:32

I went batshit crazy at home with my first so had my second 10 months later so I wouldn't be home too long.

Gave birth to her on Friday night and was sat at my desk the following Monday!

If you're finding it hard to cover childcare for 1 child how will you afford it for 2?

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 13/08/2019 13:32

From what I hear I think it's easier to get back in to work after a shorter break and then go on mat leave than it is to get back in after a longer break.

Original poster
coffeegin · 13/08/2019 13:35

Thank you for your comments. @PixieLumos you may be right in that I have been thinking about it more since I've found the work search so hard. I have always wanted 2 children but am now realising that long term I also need to work in some capacity so trying to figure out what order to do it all in given time is ticking on age wise for me.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 13/08/2019 13:39

It’ll be harder to get back in once you’ve had another baby.

I’d look for a job now and start ttc as soon as you get it. It may take you a lot longer to conceive the second time (certainly true for me).

You will probably find it much easier to secure a job if you go for full time now, then seek to reduce hours after you come back from second mat leave.

The above is basically what I did. It’s worked out v well for me.

JoJoSM2 · 13/08/2019 13:45

I've got a 13mo DS and have decided to have DC2 before looking for a job. To keep me sane, he goes to nursery part time and I'm now looking to do a bit of volunteering and studying.

Rayna37 · 13/08/2019 14:00

I'd suggest going back now full time, another mat leave is always going to be easier with an income!

How much flexibility do you need? I think childcare for the youngest ones is the easy bit as it's just one place, drop before work, collect after; it's when they're at school it gets more complicated!

Your financial position and your DH are key though - ideally pick a nursery where you can share the pick-ups and drop-offs between you and if one has a work commitment the other picks up the slack. Unless you have considerable wealth then it's certainly "worth" going back for even 9 months or so! Mat pay (even if only SMP), pension contributions, and keeping your foot in the door. It's also generally easier to reduce hours later than find a PT job.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 13/08/2019 14:28

I think it's totally a personal choice.

But, if I were in your situation, I'd look for work and TTC at the same time. No way of knowing how long each will take. And if you get a job and conceive around the same time, you can always go off on maternity, as is your right.

Original poster
coffeegin · 13/08/2019 14:39

Thank you for all your responses. I think I am scared to get pregnant as soon as I start a job and annoy the hell out of the employer but looks like this may be the best option!

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 13/08/2019 15:22

In the nicest possible way, you’re working on the assumption that you’ll get pregnant quickly.

I fell into that trap too. But there are no guarantees. What if it takes you a year or more?

Original poster
coffeegin · 13/08/2019 16:42

@LaurieMarlow yes I realise this may be a little optimistic. With DD we assumed it would take ages and it happened first time which was such a shock. I guess you never know, I am a couple of years older and you are right it could take much longer!

OP posts:
cptartapp · 13/08/2019 16:44

Are you married?

Original poster
coffeegin · 13/08/2019 16:48

@cptartapp yes

OP posts:
Crankybitch · 13/08/2019 16:48

Nothing will ever be the right decision

Try for a new baby & job and see what comes along first and plan from then

FirmlyRooted · 13/08/2019 17:24

Second the question on childcare costs. If you can't find a job to cover the cost for one child, how will you afford to return to work with two?

No right or wrong here, but childcare fees x 2 is a game changer.

icecreamsundae32 · 13/08/2019 17:25

Look for a full time job so you get statutory maternity pay then after that year put in request for flexible days/hours. It's the best option as means you will get some maternity pay and hopefully if you fall pregnant quickly you won't be working full time for too long before you are off again....

If you have another now you are going to be off work even longer and then be paying two lots of childcare. Plus it's often tricky to find part time hours that suit so it's better to be in a full time job to start with and negotiate part time after maternity.

Grobagsforever · 13/08/2019 19:02

Definitely get a job and preserve your financial independence and earning potential , not to mention pension. Being a SAHM is incredibly risky and the longer gap you leave the harder it will be. You could end up financially dependent on a man long term 😢😢😢😢

SunnyCoco · 13/08/2019 21:41

Start TTC now

Shazafied · 13/08/2019 21:53

Took me 2.5 years to conceive dd1. When she 7 months we tried for DD2, thinking it would take ages .... fell pregnant immediately, I have a 20mo and a 15 week old now and am very glad I had them close together , they are already friends and its gets the poverty / sleep deprivation over with quicker !!

It’s really hard though . Really really hard. Sone nights they tag team it so one of them is always awake . I am so beyond tired an everything is more than twice as hard eg leaving the house/going to the loo/can’t leave them alone together/stereo crying . Childcare costs will be more than my wages till one is at school.... I wouldn’t change a thing though .

FWIW I went back to work for 4-5 months between mat leaves and am on full occupational mat pay as a result - it’s been a god send. Definitely don’t write off going back to work even for a short time esp as you might not go back after DC2.

Also I second what utters face said about TTC - it’s just such a lottery.

If I was you I’d apply for jobs and ttc and let fate decide !!

Shazafied · 13/08/2019 21:54

Utters face = others have . Man I’m tired.

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