to be peed off that dp was having a laugh while dd3 was screaming

[divastrop]

i think she is teething,she had been screaming on and off(though mostly on)for almost 3 hours.dp is ill and (his words)feeling 'narky',so i tried to deal with it the bast i could whilst also getting dd2 and ds2 sorted for bed.dp did come through a few times to talk to/comfort dd3,but he did snap at me a couple of times. when i went into the back room to take a deep breath as she was dozing off to sleep dp was playing his online game and laughing,then i saw he was chatting to 2 characters,one of them was called 'lovely babe'

i know i have issues with him chatting to women on this game,which i am trying my best to get over(have started councelling again and have been to the gp today for a chande in ad's as i have PND and the one i am on isnt working),but this really upset me.i have been feeling ok for the past few days,now i feel like im back 'down there' again.

have posted on here as i cant mention it as he will just say im out of order for looking at who he was chatting to and that i dont trust him etc.just needed to rant.

yanbu - cheeky bugger, should have been helping you. I would be furious, specially about the chatting to girls bit.

but i keep being told on here that im unreasonable to not like him chatting to women on the online game,that it has to do with my insecurity and self esteem issues,which i am trying to address.

i just wonder how he would feel if i left him to deal with a screaming baby while i had a laugh on here with somebody called 'fitsexyguy' or something.

he would say it wouldnt bother him as he trusts me,im sure.

yanbu at all.

what is it with men when their partners have pnd? when dd was teething i had a fit at dp when he was on pc and not helping. he should try to understand that pnd is an ilness and nothing to be ashamed of - i really understnad where you are coming from as i have had those same issues. the only thing that got us through it was me sitting dp down and really talking it into him about how i felt and then saying how would he feel if i did that - whether or not he knows he could trust you is not the issue; the issue is that his behaviour is upsetting you at a time when you are up in the air emotionally and you can't (necessarily) get a hold of your emotions. don't necessarily listen to someone who says it is just your insecurity or your self esteem issues playing you up, have those posters had pnd at all? and even if they have, have they had the same circumstances as you at the same time?

really sweetheart, i think you both need to sit down (maybe several times) til you can both get throught his.

ds if you ned to talk further, you can cat me fm x

bw, i wouldn't like my dp talking to women online either if his reaction would be to say that i was being out of order.

oh dear diva sorry you are having such a rough time of it unfortunatly i sometimes have insecure feelings as you do but not online chatting dp has alot of female friends and often goes out or lunch or dinner afterwork and my mind plays havoc with me although deep down i trust dp completely it doesn't stop the thoughts creeping into my head

however, dp does understand me and does help me work through my 'issues' your dp should understand your concerns and should not be so defensive about his actions as this only leads to more paranoia

i hope the counselling works, do you do this on your own or with your dp?

this is one of my threads about it.(the women issue).

this has really upset me though.

((((((((((((((((((((ds))))))))))))))))))))

i ahve to go am falling alsepep.
will post more 2moro.

sleep well sweetie

Divastrop, of course it isn't unreasonable for you to be upset about him talking to women on-line, particularly at a time when you need him. PND sucks.

However, you actually sound very capable to me. You managed to sort out three dds and get them to bed with virtually no help. Well done you!

I don't think you could see thi sas him being unfaithful, more a lack of priorities. Anything on-line can become pretty obsessional (even MN!) - I mean in terms of time and effort, not anything sexual. I think that is where the problem lies, in the fact he is not available to you and your dds b/c he is mentally elsewhere so much of the time. I have this to some extent with dh, not with other women but with sports sites and I really do think the dcs' childhoods are passing him by - but I have concluded that is his problem, not mine or the dcs.

You can't change him. You can't change anyone. But you can change your thinking. Is he being unfaithful? No. Does it really matter if he chooses to spend his time like this? No. You can manage. Who is the grown-up here? You.

thank you trinity

i just told him why i was upset and he said i was pathetic and taking the piss,it could have been a man in rl etc etc

Hmm. Well, I don't like to make judgements, but from where I'm standing it's not you who is behaving like a huffy teenager.

I know it's hard when you have PND, but I think your best plan will be to act as if this doesn't bother you. Plan how you will fill your time when he is on there. You know you can cope with your dds by yourself. Firstly, men hate to feel controlled and the more you worry away at him the more he will dig his heels in. Back off and he might come to his senses. Secondly, once you live as though something doesn't bother you, eventually you find it really doesn't.

Last year I came perilously close to a breakdown. Dh spent most of his time in the pub. Trying to get him to see how upset I was (not to mention what this was doing to his health) was a waste of time and distressed me far more than it did him. I took up yoga and meditation to fill my evenings. Then one day about a month ago he cam ehom eand said he'd been out of order and he was going to stop drinking. He hasn't had one since.

I know now I can cope. I know the person I can count on is myself. Don't let yourself get distressed by his behaviour. Don't do that to yourself. It really doesn't matter.

divastrop

While i don't think that there is anything wrong with DH/P talking to women while playing online games (believe me i know how you feel i am a world of warlock widow).

DH being "ill" is not an excuse to sit play online games while i'm putting dd to bed or anything else to with her. We are a family and as parents we don't get sick days (unless to ill leave the bed).

So no you are not being unreasonable. Your Dp needs to understand that your children come first before you can sit down and do what he wants.

Divastrop.

I know I have been the firmest advocate of leaving him to it with the online gaming BUT

HOW VERY DARE HE malinger on it while you put three children to bed!

No cricket at all. He should not be engrossed in it AT ALL when you are so busy with what I presume are both of your children.

Give him specific things to do - ie you put dc1 to bed, inc wash, hair, teeth etc, then go and wash up while I sort the other two.

I also think there is an element of respect here. (lack of it) If I was truly unhappy about my DH doing something and I asked him repeatedly not to do it/change it and nothing happened I would really challenge him about his respect for me (especially if I was poorly with PND). The focus for you both should be to get you as well as possible so that you can then bring up your family. (ALthough you do seem to be doing a pretty good job there anyway!)

I understand the lack of respect thing, believe me. The trouble is, thinking 'he should respect me more' puts you on a hiding to nothing. You cannot make someone respect you, and actually the more you get confrontational about it the less respect you get.

It was only when I turned it around to 'I should respect me more' that things around here changed. I think dh started to respect me more b/c I was finally respecting myself - then he got back his self-respect. The on-line stuff I can ride out b/c it is taking his mind off going out with his mates.

Not being confrontational doesn't mean being a doormat. It means rising above it. I've learned you can be right, or you can be at peace. (feeling a bit Zen atm, sorry).

Whether or not he actually flirts with these online women is really beside the point.

I'd be more concerned that he called you "pathetic", especially if he knows you have fragile self-esteem.

It doesn't matter what aspect of his behaviour distresses you - if you say you don't like him eating raw carrots because you can't stand the crunching noise, he should at least say I'm sorry darling, I don't want to upset you so in future I will not eat carrots. Or if he does feel you're being unreasonable, negotiate in a more respectful way - I'm sorry the sound bothers you, my love, but carrots are full of Vitamin A and very good for me, and as I can't cut them out of my diet completely, I will at least refrain from eating them when you're around.

So no, you're not the one being unreasonable, but you may want to cut him some slack this time if he's sick and grumpy.

trinity-you are a wise woman.

after he said that last night i asked if he really thinks im pathetic,and he said no,he doesnt think i am apthetic,but the way i go on about the game/women/chat issue is.fair enough.he also explained that he knew there was nothing more either of us could do for dd3 as she had had teething powder,gel etc,she wasnt hungry,she'd been changed.the other 2 were ready for bed anyway,and i know that dp will always help if i ask him to.

the thing is,i can cope,but i have this thing where i feel i should be able to get the baby to be quiet.i think its something that was ingrained in my brain when i was with xp and xh,who were both abusive.ds1 was screaming once when he was a few months old and xp shouted 'you better shut that baby up now!' and when ds2 was 8 weeks old he had colic,and xh had been holding him for 5 minutes(after i'd tried to settle him for 4 hours)and got angry and went to throw him in his moses basket.

dp is nothing like this,he is like me in that he can tolerate a screaming baby for a long time before he starts to get stressed,and if he does start to feel wound up he will go somewhere else to calm down,just like i would do.yet i still have those awful memories and still feel i should be able to get the baby to stop crying.

anyway,i know that with the computer game thing,i have to just not care,like trinity said,i can start by pretending not to care.i told dp last night not to show me anything on the screen(like when he shows off that he's killed loads of people)as i always see something in the chat and read too much into it,so i am better off never looking at it.i know i can trust him,not once have i ever seen him chatting in a flirtatious way or about anything other than in-game stuff,and he's been playing it for over a year.i just have to keep reminding myself that.

and,yes,i have to respect myself.

divastrop - lol at me being wise! I just realised there is a more peaceful way for me to live. I'd make myself physically ill over dh, it was ridiculous.

at your xp and xh - so you've been strong enough to cope with and get away from two awful situations like that. I have the same thing about ds crying if dh is around, not because he gets angry but because he panicks and thinks he is ill (the root of most of our problems stem from the dcs being ill at various times - dd2 was very ill last yr and dh dealt with it in the pub, I dealt with it by shutting myself away in my bedroom). I can cope much better if I am on my own without dh taking temps and trying to shove Calpol down him.

Anyway, your dp sounds like a fine man. Glad you are feeling more postitve. xxx