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Original poster

Tips for surviving unpleasant company

33 replies

Sailorsgirl44 · 12/08/2019 23:34

Next week my husband and I have to go to a dinner with my mother in law, two brothers in law and their wives in a restaurant. (Organised by mil to mark a special occasion) There was a series of huge arguments earlier in the year...mainly between myself and the 2 wives. A lot of nasty and untrue things have been said - it's a very long story.

I have to drive so I can't drink. It'll be at least two hours, maybe three sitting at the table. How do I get through it?! My husband is good at making chat and pretending that all is okay. But I find it hard to hide how I feel and I have been so hurt by untrue things that have been said.

Seriously, is there something I could get otc in a pharmacy to take the edge off?!

OP posts:
Shalligo · 12/08/2019 23:37

You’re a grown up. If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

(Or if you’re like me, catch a nasty virus a day or so before.)

Failing that, just sit at the end of the table fiddling with your phone and taking pretend urgent calls outside. Grin

KellyHall · 12/08/2019 23:38

Try a herbal remedy called 'Calms' from Boots. You put it on your wrists I think.

Also, just make a list of all the things you've ever seen/done/been to that made you happy and talk about them. If anyone trys to shoot you down, be deaf to their voice and keep on talking about anything that will make you feel better.

Good luck and don't let the bastards get you down!

NobleRot · 12/08/2019 23:39

You’re considering drugging yourself rather than simply saying you’re not going because you wouldn’t enjoy it?

summersherewishiwasnt · 12/08/2019 23:40

You do not have to go. But. It’s not as easy as being busy or ill. At some point the same situ will crop up. I like to think that in my head I would arrive intending to start a fresh. If some one else is a dick them at least you have your dignity of trying. Then you can ignore the rest of the evening (your life!)

NigellaAwesome · 12/08/2019 23:42

Why can't your DH drive?

I honestly wouldn't go. Or go, and then have a family emergency you have to leave for.

GCAcademic · 12/08/2019 23:42

I would come down with something unpleasant and contagious on the day.

Tigger001 · 12/08/2019 23:47

Do you enjoy the company of everyone else or has this drama affected the way all the in laws feel about you ?

If the rest are ok with you, and you enjoy their company, just sit by them and be the bigger person, being polite to the wives.

If you dont get on with any of them, just dont go.

Jaguarana · 12/08/2019 23:51

There's no way I would be attending that particular social occasion. I don't think that you should feel obliged to either, under the circumstances.

Summerunderway · 12/08/2019 23:51

Imo book a hair appointment, get your glad rags on and ignore the fuckers.
Can you organise a taxi so you can drink?

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 23:54

Write down some positive mantra, memorise them. Get in the zone.

Can you view it as a personal challenge, a chance to improve your own self control, resilience, anything you can think of.

I’ve done this before and it’s surprisingly helpful, it gives you a sense that some actual good can come from it.

Or don’t go, that’s better actually. Don’t do my one.

fedup21 · 12/08/2019 23:56

I would be having a glass of wine or not going at all! Why are you driving?

TildaTurnip · 12/08/2019 23:59

Challenge yourself to get 5 unrelated words into conversation: pineapple, drone, dolphin, polyester and tiara for example. Or be frustratingly (for them) polite and nice. Or don’t go but I know that is hard when you’re at a family occasion.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 13/08/2019 00:16

Is there anyone you can play "bingo" with?

that's always fun.

Certain words or phrases that you can 'tick off' on your bingo card.

chocatoo · 13/08/2019 00:21

The key is preparation. Make sure you look well groomed and classy. Chat in the way you would at a professional meeting keeping conversation light, impersonal and non controversial. Have some topics of conversation up your sleeve to move conversation on when necessary. Do not refer to past arguments or conversations and move conversation on if others try to.
Show that you are a skilled and classy socialite!

Skittlesandbeer · 13/08/2019 00:24

I personally enjoy frustrating other people’s expectations of me. If they assume I’ll skip an awkward event, I’ll be there with bells on. If they assume I’ll be quiet and worried and feel outnumbered, I’ll be the life of the party. I’m also prone to doing what a pp said- making it a personal growth challenge, something to be proud of afterwards, that no one else need know about.

But if everyone in your DH’s family has the assumption that hurtful events and topics get swept under the carpet and pasted over with fake cheerfulness, then I’d likely frustrate those expectations once and for all. Group email that you find these ‘let’s pretend we get on’ dinners unpleasant and won’t be attending from now on. Happy to improve relations at any time, with reasonable adult discussion. Discussion will need to resolve the issues raised last xxx, including x and x. Have a nice evening, it’s just not my scene.

Make it calm, light and final. Always be sure you’ve thought through your boundaries carefully before you communicate them. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be amazed how liberating it is to rid yourself of toxic family.

Myyearmytime · 13/08/2019 00:59

Book a hotel room .,and retire there ill on the night .

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 01:01

I have to go to a dinner with my mother in law, two brothers in law and their wives in a restaurant

No, you don’t! I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. If people don’t like it. So be it! I’m not responsible for their feelings.

Buzziebeebie · 13/08/2019 01:14

I have a similar experience coming up OP. You have my sympathies. Unfortunately I can't avoid but it's going to be hell. So just going to play a role and hopefully leave swiftly. Praying that the drink doesn't get involved.

Original poster
Sailorsgirl44 · 13/08/2019 08:54

Thanks very much - some good advice there. Preparation, treat it as a personal growth challenge, act like their colleagues to be polite to..I like it!

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 13/08/2019 08:59

Pretend you are Louis Theroux and making a documentary on difficult people

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 13/08/2019 09:41

Depends on how awkward you can be OP!! I would( only for my personal pleasure and if they were truly horrendous people )sit there with a face like thunder,yes and no answers and if anyone asks whats wrong say nothing just didnt want to be here.If they are horrid and rude I would be more rude and enjoy it!!
Seriously though do you have to go really? If you do not want to attend they simply don;t goLife is way too short to handle difficult people and time is way too precious to waste on them too.
I would bow out and say thank you for the invite but I just can;t make it.You owe them nothing,and you have permission to say no!

tearinmybeer · 13/08/2019 09:53

Yeah OK whatever to those who are suggesting "don't go" - those of us with these families know how great that works out for everyone.

This happened to me over Easter, it was horrible. I nearly threw up afterwards from trying to hold it together, but I made it, and you will too.

After realising (already knew, but) no one wanted to hear about my life at all (I live 4000 miles away from them, they hadn't seen me in years, I've been ill, I'm getting divorced, etc) I just asked them LOTS of questions about them. Their last holidays, their health, their pets, their families, their hobbies, their music tastes, their sports, ALL ABOUT THEM. It was awful, but it worked.

Now I have the added bonus of knowing much more about my family that I extremely dislike!

They sent me a birthday card reminding me to make sure to call next time I'm in town.

spoiler: will not be calling

tearinmybeer · 13/08/2019 09:56

PS I was actually trying to tell them about my safari in Tanzania, not my illness or divorce (although they just treated it like the mega elephant in the room) - I thought that might be interesting but nah, telling me about how I should be forcing my mother with dementia to do all sorts of things that upset her was more interesting to them. That's when OPERATION DEFLECTION BEGAN (after a cry in the toilets)

Funghi · 13/08/2019 10:01

Don’t go.

I had a pretty serious health scare a few years ago after spending the evening with some toxic relatives (unrelated, probably) and after that I decided I’d never put myself in a situation I wasn’t happy in (outside of work commitments) as life is too short and had I spent my last evening with people I disliked, I’d be one terribly bitter ghost!

Propertyofhood · 13/08/2019 10:02

Just go. Be polite and the bigger person. Don't engage in the bullshit, don't take any bait, keep the conversation civil and boring, get through it and go home.

This is how I get through these sorts of things with 2 particular people I have to deal with.

All this 'don't go', 'get drunk', 'just be rude to them' doesn't help matters and just stoops you to their level.

Do you get on with anyone going? Sit with them.

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