New-ish friend calls every single day

[Wingingthis]

I recently (within this year) made a new friend at a local baby group. She is lovely, we get along well, our DD’s are the same age & she is very reliable, funny etc etc.
Slowly over time her contacting me has crept up & up. We’re now at the point where she calls me every day for at least 1.5 hours a time. I feel bad saying this as she is going through a bad time at the moment but there’s only so much I can hear the same stories and problems over & over. This has been going on for a couple of months now and during these conversations I can’t even get a word in. It’s starting to effect my day to day life as I am a solo parent so get most my cleaning/life admin/work related bits done in the evenings when my 2y/o is asleep but now I have 1-2 hours taken up each evening with her phone calls.

If I don’t answer she just makes me feel guilty. She texts and says please call me etc.

AIBU to just ignore her calls. I’ve tried saying I’m busy but she’ll just call me again later. I don’t want to hurt her as she’s a lovely girl but this is just a bit much!!

Just be honest and say I’m busy can’t talk long and end the conversation.

My sister is like this, calls every day and spends hours on the phone mainly going over the same thing. Just stop answering as much it’s the only option I think or say you will call back then don’t.

Not unreasonable at all, I’d definitely dial it back. “Sorry can’t chat right now, will see you for that coffee Friday”

“Baby asleep so will have to text!”

Wow that's too much- you're so patient. Just ignore/ say you're talking to your mum/ sister/ other friend/ working but will catch up with her when you see her next.

Keep telling her your busy and always say the same thing when she texts, and she will soon get the message, you don’t owe her anything, just let it fizzle out, and it will.

Anyone who makes you feel "guilty" or trapped or uncomfortable - because you're not available all the time - is not a friend to my way of thinking. Her behaviour would be a red flag to me. I'd dial it right back if I were you.

Can you pretend your dc is having unsettled sleep at the moment, so if she rings, you can tx her saying your Dc hasn't slept yet and this new phase your child is going through is exhausting.... If she rings the next day, don't answer and tx her next morning that you fell asleep. At some point you could even hint that her ringing has woken your child... But that's if she really won't take the hint. I know you shouldn't have to lie but it might make her realise that you are busy, without hurting her feelings..

Many of us have been in this position, with someone wanting more from you than you feel you can give. This is nothing to feel guilty about. However to bring it to a close, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and break this cycle. You can ignore her calls, or tell a little white lie (hot date just turned up) or something nearer the truth (not feeling too good myself this evening and I need an early night.). If you would prefer not to talk to her, then text her after she leaves you a message and then turn off your phone for the evening. Of course you may have to do this several times, so in the long run it might be quicker to be brave and tell your friend you can’t help her and she needs to seek professional support.

Had a work acquaintance like this, she assumed a much closer relationship with me than I wanted. She’d phone up really late in the evening wanting to talk for ages. A screaming baby didn’t even put her off her stride. Had to be quite rude in the end. You have to stand up for yourself.

If she’s on the phone to you now, take a deep breath, don’t worry about waiting for a breaking in her monologue and say ‘ I’m going to have to stop you there I was dropping off / Really need a shit. Oh and I’m busy for the next few evenings so please don’t call. Good night’ and hand up

Sorry that should read ‘and hang up’

There’s only so much I can hear the same stories and problems over & over

Quite.

This has been going on for a couple of months now and during these conversations I can’t even get a word in

Would do my head in.

Agree with DPotter on this, you'll have to stand up for yourself. You don't have to be unpleasant, but you're the boss of who you want to talk to/listen to! Tell her you can't chat in the evenings on the phone because you're knakered but hope you catch up for coffee sometime/park/whatever. But I have a feeling she is going to end up hard work

I've had this too but I have also been that person at various points in my life! You never know what's around the corner.

If you can't get a word in anyway, could you answer and just get on with your chores with your hands-free earphones and your phone in your pocket?

When my grandparents had dementia, I didn't want to tell them I was too busy to talk to them (they wouldn't remember anyway, they'd call straight back as if nothing had happened), so I just stayed on the line with the odd "hm, really", etc so they felt connected to someone.

I had a friend like this. I just said something like "sorry, I don't really do long phone conversations! Looking forward to seeing you on Friday for a proper catch up though." She was fine with it, hopefully your friend would be too. Otherwise it becomes a bit one-sided and that's not what you want from a friendship.

Kelly - the ‘friend’ is calling in the evening when the OP probably wants to put her feet up and watch trashy TV.
I accept the ‘friend’ needs help, but if this situation has been going on for a while, sounds like she needs more than just a listening friend.

Just put your phone on silent, and don't pick it up for an evening. Then text back and say, 'oh sorry I missed you. Busy busy, mum life!' or tell her about some program or film you are planning to watch tonight after getting little one in bed. 'can't wait to get my feet up with a cup of tea tonight, and watch xyz.' hopefully she'll get the hint you don't want to talk quite so often for so long, by breaking the habit.

I would miss her call and when she texts to say "please call me", just say
"Not tonight Mary, I'll give you a call in a few days when I have time to chat. I like our friendship & I really enjoy your company but to be honest the level of contact is more than I am used to, I find it too intense, I can't do daily calls or hour long phone chats, I have other friends, things to do for me. I hope you understand, speak soon" and then give it a few days and call her, if she questions you or tries to lay on the guilts stand up to her

All good advice above and I’m sure with a bit of persistence from you a this will work out fine.

A brief word of warning though, I have had a couple of friends like this before and it may be that when you pull back and put up your very reasonable boundaries, that they escalate the situation by having an emergency or some sort of disaster. Act accordingly of course but just keep an eye open for a pattern.

Please don’t do all this ignoring, ghosting, pretending and passive aggressiveness suggested. Be a grownup and address it using proper assertiveness skills. Assertiveness is not aggressive, it isn’t conflict and it really isn’t that hard.

Prepare your statement, text it if you must. Don’t do it in response to one of hers, find a time to ‘get in first’.

Soften it by saying you like her company, but get the message across of what contact you’d prefer so she knows where she stands. I usually say it seems I’m comfortable with a different level of contact in my friendships. That I’m concentrating on xx in my life, and need to prioritise it at the moment. End with ‘l’m happy to ..... and outline it clearly. Do you want a weekly face to face catch up? A bi-weekly phone chat? A limit of a couple of texts per day? Spell it out. I usually also add that my turnaround time for responding to friends is 30 hours, but I understand if that’s too little for her and she feels she can’t continue the friendship.

Leave the ball in her court. What generally happens is that they go silent for a couple of days, get cross or sad I expect, then figure out that they’ve been a bit unreasonable and would prefer some support from you to none. They get in touch as though you never said anything, but leave you the option to restate your request if contact builds up again.

Remember you’re not helping someone or ‘being nice’ by encouraging unhealthy contact, and preventing them finding other sources of support (including, crucially, some inner resilience). It’s also not nice to pretend to be their friend, but actively avoid them and eye-roll and build serious resentment with them.

Assertiveness gets easier every time you use it. You see it works, then it becomes your go-to. You realise the sky doesn’t fall in just because you identified your needs and named them. Be more protective of your time and energy. People only become ‘life vampires’ if you offer them your neck. Sort these situations out before you get too cross, hey? It’s quite liberating!

Just be honest with her. She needs to widen her circle of friends, no one can cope with such long calls every day. She will get more and more dependent on you and you will not be able to cope.

I’d prefer the indirect methods others above have detailed. No harm in leaving your friend the space to interpret your reduced availability in a way that doesn’t dent her ego. A DC sleep crisis sounds like a good plan. Rinse and repeat and say you’ll catch up with her in a few days.

makingmammaries actually this is a good idea and may cause her less anxiety than being told you don't have time for her.

Just do not feel guilty, it is not your fault.

This woman sounds lonely, but it's not your problem really. If the phoning is really bothering you, you should maybe tell her to cut it out a bit, and don't feel guilty about anything. I am not a phoning and texting person, and I would go spare with anyone gabbling away on a phone to me.

No way could I be arsed with all that nonsense

Just cut her loose or tell her you're busy

Stop being so polite

I've been here. You are going to have to put some clear boundaries in for your own wellbeing. Plus the longer it goes on the more resentment will build until you snap and then the friendship will be damaged even more.

I suggest that if she is going through a hard time, encouraging her to seek professional help might be a start. It's not fair or appropriate for you to essentially be a free counsellor for her. Try saying something g along the lines of "I hear you're feeling really stuck at the moment, perhaps speaking to someone who is trained in this area would be better...

At the same time though, you have every right and should make it known to her that you don't have the time or energy to do this every day. If she texts saying please call, just write back saying "sorry, can't now, really busy with x". Or just ignore the message and reply the next day. Make excuses or gently tell the truth, but DO NOT be available to her whenever she wants you to. You will end up burnt out. Her mental health is not your responsibility.

I met a stage in 10 clinger in a baby group years ago when DS was born. In the end I just blocked her and cut all contact.

I usually also add that my turnaround time for responding to friends is 30 hours