to think I may never fancy my DP again?

[thisusernameismine]

Just wondered if there's anyone out there who kind of fell out of love with/stopped fancying their partner but then got the feelings back? And if so, how and why??

Married 3 years, together 6, one baby of nearly a year, been through a LOT together. I wear the trousers and am fiery and he will do anything to keep the peace.

I have completely gone off all forms of intimacy - can go days escaping being touched (much to his dismay but he's so used to it now ). Lots about him gets on my nerves, I don't take a great deal of interest in his life anymore, and if I was doing a reverse thread here you'd tell me to LTB (and I'd agree).

We are very different people and I'm struggling to see how this is going to pan out - but struggling even more at how difficult life would be if we split.

The relationship was amazing at the start. Loads of sex, laughing etc. Major (bad) life events happened to both of us a couple of years ago but we pulled through. But I just have zero desire towards him anymore. In case relevant, I'm no longer breastfeeding my baby so that's not it (still carrying an extra half stone and DH is not much bigger than me which I don't like).

Just wondering if there's any hope really. We are both very late 30s/early 40s.

Please don't be too mean to me as I do that to myself enough

Also if relevant I've recently gone onto ADs (history of mild depression after the life events and also struggled with an ED most of my life).

what is ED?

Maybe you need to focus on getting your self back to a happier place before you make any final decision op? Have you tried counselling? Meditation? Exercise? Date nights? Sounds like it could be worth making the effort 🤷🏻‍♀️

@bluebell34567 eating disorder

Major bad life events can really take their toll on how you feel about everything. But if it used to be good then it can be again.

did the dislike start before AD's?

If that's what you think you might want?

@SmiledWithTheRisingSun love the username I sing that to my little one all the time.

We did counselling together when I was pregnant and it worked but then baby arrived and I cannot remember life before. I do exercise a lot but never really got into meditation ... but it if could help...

You're right - i know I should try, I'm just struggling to find the will to. Which is crazy when there's a baby involved.

ADs can severely effect sex drive

I think you need to try different anti depressants if this has been more of am issue since you started.

I think one of the things about antidepressants is they "can" make you feel flat and numb. This definitely has its uses, and can get you through bad patches, and quite possibly saved my life at one point, but while some of the sadness went. So did the happiness and joy and libido.
Its worth trying a different one in case it is just that

Don't be hard on yourself op.
Just try to look after yourself.
The good feelings will come back.
It's hard having a baby and dealing with stressful life events. Sounds like you need to process lots still.
Hypnotherapy is really helpful for anxiety too if you can afford it?
Look after yourself & try to spend a bit of quality time with your DH.
Good luck

Do you ever get frisky with yourself or is it 100% gone? The reason I ask is whether it's specific to your husband or a total loss of libido in general would have two very different approaches to helping.

Stress can severely affect sex drive, an eating disorder can massively affect it too. But if you used to fancy him and don't now, it looks more likely to be stress than a condition you've had most of your life (although that won't be helping).

If you hate him and he annoys you you're not going to fancy him though.

I agree with Smiled. I wouldn’t write off intimacy (or the relationship) until giving the antidepressants a few months and trying a few other things to get to a place of overall greater wellbeing. And it might be worth being frank with your partner, to the tune of “I’m struggling to want intimacy at the moment but I’m doing x-y-z to try to improve the situation.” I’ve been in your situation before (...arguably still am, though thankfully to a lesser degree than in the past), and it really took its toll on my DH’s confidence. He was supportive, but it really hurt him.

For me what has helped is: getting off hormonal birth control (using a copper IUD instead), finding the right dose of antidepressant (lower than my initial dose, but only after several months to stabilize), losing most of the baby weight mainly through exercise (but if you have a history of eating disorders, then this might not be a sensible goal for you - or at least make sure you talk to a trusted MH provider to build a plan to get to a healthy weight, which may or may not be your pre-baby weight), and having some time every month to go out with friends by myself, even if only for a couple of hours.

My mum wisely told me not to make any relationship decisions until my youngest child (however many we end up having) is three. She has a very solid relationship with my dad now, but she was honest with me before I had my first child about how rough young kids can be on a relationship. Not necessarily because of bickering (though that definitely can happen), but just because babies and toddlers can take up so much physical and emotional energy, it can be hard to have any left for our partner. That’s not to say we shouldn’t try for a great, intimate marriage; but it can be nice to take the pressure off feeling like the relationship needs to be top quality at all times. That’s arguably unrealistic. Doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. This can just be a difficult stage of life!

You wear the trousers and you're "fiery"? So you're a bit of a bully, he's a bit scared of you and tries to keep the peace, and you've lost respect for him. You should be thankful you've got someone who's prepared to put up with it , OP. He's not getting much out of this relationship, is he? Not even sex now.

This happened in my relationship, and things are starting to change in the last year. Our youngest is 4. I think having small kids is just such a drain at times, my husband irritated the shite out of me, I irritated him and it felt like we didn't even like each other. Then the kids grew up a bit, we got some time back, did a few counselling sessions, and we're back on track.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to him. Tell him where you're at. And don't give up.

@Singlenotsingle you took the words right out of my mouth.

OP, no marriage will be 100% passion. You need to work at it. You have a good thing, a loyal partner and someone who listens to you. Other people might have more passion but they may also be co dependently stitched to a partner with a wandering eye. Be happy with what you've got in life. You want sex? Book a holiday and initiate it. Don't put all the onus on your partner to "stimulate" you, why should he? You've just said that you boss him around, so wouldn't he be scared to? If you wreck your marriage or your family over something like this, just remember the grass isn't greener on the other side. The grass is greener where it's watered.

OP, you almost come across as a bully or abusive to your partner the way you describe yourself. Are you dismissive of him? It's an awful thing to say you have no interest in his life. He sounds like a patient person but everyone has their limits and I wonder if you are horrible just because you know he will take it.

People can certainly find themselves no longer in love with someone they once were in love with, that is nothing unusual. What you do need to do is be honest, it is so unfair to keep him at arm's length just because it's easier than leaving.

Allow him to be with someone who will love him and who actually wants to be with him. As for you, you'll find someone who you want to be with too.

Relationships take time, they take effort, patience and a shit load of compromising and understanding. But they can only work if both people actually want to be with one another. It would be far more cruel to be with him and not love him and emotionally abuse him.

Be kind OP, walk away and find a solution to co-parent. You two can have a better relationship as just two people who have a child together. Be honest about your feelings to him and also listen to what he has to say from his perspective too.

Perhaps a raw and honest discussion is what is truly needed here. Who knows, it may even spark a turnover and a new chapter for the both of you as a couple. Or, it may end amicably, but honesty is key here.

He sounds quite browbeaten, and I suppose that's never an attractive look.
When you used to laugh and have fun together did you wear the trousers then?

I'm not sure why an adult relationship needs a trouser wearer.

things wont just change on their own. you have to want it and work at it. and if you don't want to work at it, then i'd say its probably time to call it a day.

It sounds like you are ruling the roost in your relationship,always wanting the ball in your court so to speak. Some marriages that go haywire for a while,can be worked on, that's if you want it to work !

You say you are just two different people now, but also that things were happy and great a few years ago, but you got married,had a child,and a few things get in the way of a blissful old style relationship.

So,as you are the one who wears the trousers,what are you going to do about things.Your husband sounds like a good man to me.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to him.

100% agree with this! I think the importance of kindness is often underrated, but IMO, it's crucial to a healthy relationship. I used to be the "fiery" one in my relationship ( read that as demanding and critical) and it isn't a good way to treat your partner. Instead you both need to be kind and respectful towards each other, rather than one being "fiery, " and the one "trying to keep the peace."

Just be considerate and think about what you DO like about him. If there's something major that you can't stand, that's a problem and you need to discuss it; if it's just picky little things that get on your nerves, it's not worth the time. As you start to appreciate each other more, the physical feelings may return.

As PP's have said, this isn't the time to do anything drastic. You've both been through a lot and things need to settle down. I hope it all works out.

Bit of hope - this happened to a friend of mine but before they were married.
They were a couple, but then she sort of went off the whole idea and him - but they stayed really close friends. She thought she'd never get back to fancying him again too.
So they both dated other people for a couple of years (NOT suggesting this as an option in your situation!!) but it wasn't until he started to pull away from their close friendship that she realised what he truly did mean to her, they got back together and have now been married for nearly 20 years very happily, with DC.

So it can happen.

But you need to give yourself some space - sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and that can kill your libido stone dead anyway, regardless of who you're with.
And you need to talk to your DH - not about "not fancying" him, but about things being not quite right with you at the moment, the fact that you're on anti-depressants should have already given him that hint but it's still worth stating it out loud, and that you're not really in the mood as a side effect of the meds.

I hope you can ride it out - it's not worth giving up on a marriage just because you're going through a stage, until you KNOW, without doubt, that it's not just a stage.

Is your ED a thing of the past or still hovering in the background?

I ask because you mention you don't like it that your H is about the same size as you now.

Stress can affect libido
Childbirth can affect libido
Trauma can affect libido
Sleep deprivation can affect libido
Depression can affect libido
Anti depressants can affect libido.

I also think you need to give your relationship time to recover from all the changes you have experienced recently. For many couples having a baby or young toddler can be a passion killer for a while, due to the lack of sleep and incessant neediness. You have also had a number of other factors that could have had an impact.

I have been married 23 years and still fancy and enjoy sex with my husband. But when our three kids were small there were many times I longed for sleep a lot more than sex 😴.

I also think you want to be careful about not appreciating the great qualities that attracted you to your husband in the first place. Studies have found that if married couples who are close to separating stay together, five years later they are happier. Marriage is for the long haul, and it’s very strength is that you know each other are not going anywhere so time can be a great healer, as circumstances and situations change.