Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to ruin this

18 replies

Atlanaaan · 12/08/2019 18:28

I've been dating this guy for a few months. He's really really nice. I've had a had history with relationships. Constantly have ended up with abusive men. My last "relationship" ended when I realised he had stolen over 400 pounds off me. The ex before that physically assaulted me many times. You get the picture.

The new man I am dating is totally different to what I have experienced. He's very respectful, has paid for all our dates, and calls me for conversations most days. He's introduced me to his brother and his friends. And he's planning a weekend away together. Although we've been on 4 dates these have spread out from 10 hours to 15 hours long Blush

I really really like him. He's said to his sister that he "doesn't want to fuck this up" and that he thinks im out of his league.

He lives about 1hour 30mins from me but travels to me at the weekend.

We haven't slept together yet (whicj I like and is out of the ordinary for me), but he tells me he isn't dating anyone else.

It's going well basically. But I have a horrible nagging feeling that he's about to finish things... Nothing has changed. He contacts the same, our intimate levels have increased and we are very touchy feely when we're together. I just can't explain why I feel so bad about it Sad

Im waiting for him to arrange this weekend, which he does each week. He's working at the minute and it's usual that he doesn't text me until he goes to bed. But I feel so on edge that he won't arrange it.

We kissed lots the last time we were together, and I've convinced myself he's going to pull away because I'm a bad kisser (I'm in my 30s,i know that makes me sound like a teenager!)

He text me this morning and he will text back tonight.

How do I stop the anxiety 😔 I'm going to ruin this and I don't know what to do. My mind is ruining a good thing and I feel so frustrated by myself. When I feel like someone is about to leave me I distance myself l, but I don't want to push him away.

Please help

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 12/08/2019 18:38

No bloody wonder you are anxious op. You have had some bad experiences and your subconscious is trying to protect you from getting hurt. It's totally understandable. You really like him and it sounds like he really likes you. Don't let this anxiety take over. I would distract myself with exercise, yoga, walking, good film / book... Whatever works for you. And know that if it works out, great. If not, it's not your fault. Ride the storm. Don't do anything impetuous while you feel like this, like sleep with him, bombard him or withdraw from him. Just let it pass.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 12/08/2019 18:49

You are bound to be anxious given your history. You have been through a lot and you deserve some happiness.

I note you said he has paid for all your dates. Unless he is very much better off than you I would not let this continue (and to be honest even if he is very much better off I’d still try to make some contribution). If you sense anything at all is “off” (and it may well all be fine), this could be because he is put off / finding it financially difficult to pay for everything that the pair of you do. This will not be sustainable for most people long term. So if you feel he is cooling at all I’d try to pay your way and see if that helps.

Hope it all goes well.

HollowTalk · 12/08/2019 18:54

I agree about the money. Could you suggest that you treat him to a meal this weekend, either at your place or at a restaurant?

Original poster
Atlanaaan · 12/08/2019 18:57

I paid half the first time, but he insists each time to pay. I always get my card out but he makes a big deal of wanting to pay. When I say I'll get the next meal then he says no I want to treat you.

I'll insist this weekend though

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/08/2019 19:16

Say it in advance, though, rather than grappling with him in the restaurant Grin

BloomingHydrangea · 12/08/2019 19:26

I couldn’t date a man who wouldn’t let me pay half. massive red flags
Controlling?
Why did he split up with. Previous partners?

BloomingHydrangea · 12/08/2019 19:28

I want to treat you?

Run, fast

BloomingHydrangea · 12/08/2019 19:30

He clearly doesn’t see you as equals. You are a pet.

Original poster
Atlanaaan · 12/08/2019 19:39

He left his previous partner because she cheated. But that was 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 12/08/2019 19:44

Ignore pessimists op. My husband always wanted to treat me as he figured that's what men do. But him a nice gift in return if he has paid. I'd say dont rely on him to sort dates. You can do that too

CastleCrasher · 12/08/2019 19:45

Him wanting to pay isn't necessarily a red flag. Dh did the same when we started seeing each other, it was how he was brought up and he saw it as respectful to me, not controlling/condescending etc. I'm very independent and didn't like it so put a stop to it very quickly, but it definitely wasnt a red flag.
20 years later and he's never shown a minute of controlling behaviour and is very much an equal partner. .... Which is my long winded way of saying try not to sabotage your view of the relationship unnecessarily. If it's part of a bigger pattern of behaviour, then fair enough, run, but if not, maybe give the benefit of the doubt for a little while

HollowTalk · 12/08/2019 19:50

I don't think him paying for meals is a red flag. It's something that a lot of nice guys do. Just take it easy with this man, OP. He sounds really decent.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/08/2019 19:50

A good compromise i found is if he buys the dinner then you agree to go someplace else for a drink and / or dessert and you pay for that - then there is some parity

Once you ar epast the first few dates you shouldnt necessarily be going Dutch but there should be some parity or at least close to 50/50...

Buying EVERYTHING is a bit full on and sets a bad dynamic i think

FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/08/2019 19:53

I couldn’t date a man who wouldn’t let me pay half. massive red flags

When I met DH he was very much the sort who'd pay on dates every single time without even thinking because he's just a good guy. No treating me like a "pet" or controlling behaviours, it's just how he was. He had to compromise and accept that I was happy paying, I had to compromise and sometimes let him take care of things, between us it works. So the "he pays for everything, he's controlling" thing isn't necessarily true.

Keep going at your own pace. He sounds lovely, you sound lovely, and your heart might just take a bit more time before mending. Don't chuck him in the bin because you've been hurt previously; try and base your opinion of him on how he treats you, how he behaves, and don't beat yourself up over needing to protect your heart.

Bignicetree · 12/08/2019 20:09

Not letting you pay is NOT a red flag. How ridiculous

Original poster
Atlanaaan · 12/08/2019 20:09

he seems the complete opposite to controlling to me, I've been controlled before numerous times and he's not cut from the same cloth.

I think last week because work was so busy I didn't even notice timings of messages - it just sucks that today I've had a slow day and constantly checking my phone Sad i know its stupid

OP posts:
SummerSazz · 12/08/2019 20:32

He seems to be responsible for arranging everything. Do you think he wants you to take the initiative and sort some arrangements. I get pissed off about always having to do arranging Grin

ginandwine · 12/08/2019 20:35

Not letting you pay isn't a red flag 😂 how silly to say, the mans being nice

New posts on this thread. Refresh page