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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what on earth is wrong with my DM's behaviour

25 replies

lorettalemon · 12/08/2019 16:28

I'm really struggling with my DM. I always have done and largely keep my distance. I went to stay with her last week as I'd not seen her in a long time and her behaviour was draining and left me reeling. I will definitely remain LC with her but I'm desperate for perspective - I don't understand whether she's got a personality disorder, she's depressed and lashing out or she's just an unpleasant person.

She was treated very badly by my DDad but their divorce was over 10 years ago but she seems to be so angry with the world.

She has a lot of friends which you might not expect someone who acts like this to, but I've always assumed she behaves differently around them.

Some examples of things she's done would be;

-Getting really angry about politics all the time and saying someone should assassinate various political figures.
-Anything I get, she has to buy, buy several or buy a better version
-She's completely preoccupied with looking young and talks at length about how much better she looks than my friend's DMs of the same age
-Commenting on complete strangers, criticising the way they look, an example would be commenting on a woman she didn't know, with a baby, saying she was unattractive and her husband would leave her

Every single thing she says is negative. If I say something cheerful or try to lighten the tone she blanks what I've said and says something else negative.

She also has an incredibly annoying habit of speaking over me.

As I said, I want to remain LC, but I'd be really grateful for other people's take on her. My friends in RL are slightly reluctant to comment as a lot of people feel awkward criticising others' parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
lorettalemon · 12/08/2019 17:13

Anyone?

OP posts:
Motoko · 12/08/2019 17:20

She doesn't sound very nice, but it's odd that she has lots of friends. I also wonder if she saves her vitriol for you.

I think, next time you see or speak to her, call her out on it, if you haven't before. If you have already done that, then refuse to accept it any more. Don't go and stay with her, for a start, just keep contact to phone or email.

Original poster
lorettalemon · 12/08/2019 17:25

I can just about cope with her for short phone calls. I don't understand the vile comments about complete strangers - why would anyone act like that? I've never thought dreadful things about people I don't even know

OP posts:
ChocOrCheese · 12/08/2019 17:26

Does she actually have a lot of friends, or does she just tell you that she does?

It is quite possible that she appears superficially charming to her friends, but given her behaviour with you it is unlikely she has many closer friends.

Unless you want to rock the boat or go NC the "smile and nod" treatment is probably the best.

Original poster
lorettalemon · 12/08/2019 17:29

@ChocOrCheese she does seem to actually have friends as in goes on holiday with them, is out most evenings with them. I have no idea what they really think of her or how she behaves round them though. I just don't understand why she's so filled with hate and venom

OP posts:
ChocOrCheese · 12/08/2019 17:46

The going on holiday sounds a bit odd. Social evenings out, possibly in a group, would be situations where she was more likely to contain her views, or be less noticed, but holidays are a notorious flashpoint. Of course those she goes on holiday with may be equally vitriolic - maybe they go for a giant bitch-fest!

I've come across this kind of behaviour before - where the person is nice as pie to the friends and they adore her, but privately the hatred and vitriol is there, and she is utterly awful about the friends, too, behind their backs. It is very draining to have to deal with. Given the history with your DDad you might feel inclined to cut her a bit of slack, but that does not mean you have to bend over backwards. Sounds like the LC approach is wise, and that you will just have to grit your teeth, knowing what to expect, when you do have contact. I wouldn't bother trying to understand why she's like this unless you want more contact in an ideal world, but only if she is nicer.

Motoko · 12/08/2019 18:15

Do you feel it's your duty to go and visit her, because she's your mother? Because you really don't have to. If someone in your life is toxic to you, you should cut them out, regardless of your relationship to them.

Original poster
lorettalemon · 12/08/2019 18:25

@Motoko I do have that feeling of obligation because she won't be around forever and she did have a very hard time with my DDad. I just feel so drained by the behaviour. I don't know - aibu? Am I being over sensitive and her behaviour wouldn't get to most people?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 12/08/2019 18:28

she just sounds very bitter and angry, maybe about her ex husband and maybe about getting older. She’s deflecting all that onto others.
It’s sad but unfortunately there’s little you can do, people like that are tiring but they are in a prison of their own making - I’m sorry it’s so difficult

Motoko · 12/08/2019 18:33

No, you're NOT being unreasonable, at all! I certainly wouldn't accept that treatment, and I have cut off a very close family member from my life, because of their toxicity, so I do know how it feels.

Your dad's treatment of your mother, has nothing to do with you, so she shouldn't be taking it out on you.

Have you tried talking to her, about how she makes you feel?

IveEatenTooooMuch · 12/08/2019 18:35

Sounds like my DM! Not much can be done I'm afraid! Smile, remain civil, and avoid where it's feasible ....

Original poster
lorettalemon · 12/08/2019 18:44

I've tried to get her to see counsellors but she's got angry and refused to carry on with it. I think they've pointed things out and she's taken it badly. I don't think there's any way left to help her so all I can do is stay LC, I hope that doesn't make me a bad person

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 19:11

She sounds damaged to me: talking over you (probably never got chance to speak for many years), promoting her looks (maybe your dad put her looks down) etc...

VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 19:13

Have you tried softening her up, hugs, flowers, spa day, getting her dating again...

HeatedRollers · 12/08/2019 19:19

-Getting really angry about politics all the time and saying someone should assassinate various political figures.

Presently many people are doing this.

-Anything I get, she has to buy, buy several or buy a better version

FOMO, she thinks that you have better taste than her, she wants to put you down by having better.

-She's completely preoccupied with looking young and talks at length about how much better she looks than my friend's DMs of the same age

FOMO, jealous of your youth, dull, over interested in bodies and presentation.

-Commenting on complete strangers, criticising the way they look, an example would be commenting on a woman she didn't know, with a baby, saying she was unattractive and her husband would leave her

This is probably insight into why she thinks she was left.

The woman sounds damaged by events, jealous of you and as if she's saving up all her bad thoughts to share with you whilst everyone else gets her best side.

Flowers you deserve better.

leghairdontcare · 12/08/2019 19:32

Maybe all her friends are negative people too? I've never felt the need to put people down to make myself feel better but it's a common trait.

Motoko · 12/08/2019 19:58

Of course it doesn't make you a bad person! Keeping LC is vital to your mental health and well being.

Please, don't feel bad about yourself. Might be an idea for you to have some counselling too, to help you deal with your feelings of guilt, and to learn strategies to protect yourself.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/08/2019 20:00

Constant criticism of others would suggest, to me, that someone was very unhappy and sees everything as a competition and is trying to make themselves feel better by putting others down. But I think only a trained professional could give a diagnosis of personality disorder etc...however either way if it's making your life worse every time you see her you can either talk to her and try and change it or avoid her

brookelopez · 12/08/2019 20:05

sounds exactly like my mom. it's really hard work. LC is the best for me too. I stopped telling her anything personal or involving her in my life decisions a few years back as it was always put down and shit on. she's a very unhappy person but doesn't see anything wrong with how she is.

TowelNumber42 · 12/08/2019 20:15

Your mum and my mum have a lot in common. Mine has toddler-like attention seeking behaviour too.

The older I get the more sympathy I have for my father. His reaction to her craziness was wrong but I can see how he ended up going mad as well.

Being LC does not make you a bad person. It most likely makes you a better person. Spending time with my mother makes me a worse person. I am full of rage, full of despair, my self-worth plummets, my eyes deaden as detach myself from emotion to protect myself. I am a better person when I have almost no contact.

AngelasAshes · 12/08/2019 20:29

She sounds depressed and lonely to me.
Negativity is indicative of chronic depression
Buying what you buy is a desperate attempt to have something in common with you

She is probably venting to you all her pent up negative thoughts as you are a “safe” person. Friends may gossip or turn on her if they knew she was struggling.

I think she needs CBT and counselling.

MrsBertBibby · 12/08/2019 20:32

What age is she?

Rachelover40 · 12/08/2019 20:42

Your mother sounds very difficult indeed. Would you be able to speak to her plainly, running through the negative things she has said and telling her how draining she makes you feel. I daresay she would be quite defensive but you'd be friends again in a little while.

Might be worth a try. Sometimes being straightforward is the best way.
I do agree with you that she is probably different around others, with you she feels she can let it all pour forth. I feel very sorry for you and for your mum who sounds as though she is very unhappy and lonely.

Tulipstar13 · 12/08/2019 20:52

No help, but she sounds similar to my mum. I'm staying with her over the summer and l am wishing it be over already! My mum spends all day on the phone to various people bitching about all and sundry. I find it so tiresome. If challenged, she plays the victim and brings on the waterworks! Confused

NigellaAwesome · 12/08/2019 21:26

It sounds like she has really low self esteem.

I had a friend like this, before I discovered how batshit she was. Always negative, always a vicious word to pass about everyone, and very competitive. She could also be charming when she wanted to be, but only on a superficial level.

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