To block him and hope to avoid a world of chaos?

[IsolaRossa]

I turned 30 in July, and my Uncle sent me a Facebook message. It said "Happy birthday. I hope you are well and happy. I can't believe how quickly the years roll on."

I hadn't heard from him since I was 14, and my childhood exploded. My mum had severe mental health issues and was often sectioned, my dad disappeared a lot and refused to engage with anyone, and I spent most of my childhood breaking up fights between my mum & sisters and talking to duty social workers. She was sectioned a lot, the final time she was released on my 14th birthday to 'celebrate' with me, and locked me in a shed for 28 hours. When she opened the door, she told me to run and if she caught me, I'd be dead. I slept in the bus stop at the end of the road, my dad drove past, saw me, stopped for a second and kept going. He didn't look back. I have seen none of them since. I slept outside for a few months and then moved in with an older man who (surprise surprise) turned out to be very abusive.

Like I said, I'm 30 now. My mum has taken out a few credit accounts in my name over the years, but other than that, no direct contact. My eldest sister started dating my abusive ex after he was arrested again for stalking me two years ago, she has pretty severe issues too. My younger sister is in social services supported housing, and has a few kids now, the youngest was adopted. My dad remarried last year, I wasn't invited.

I get married next year. My fiancés mum really wants me to invite some family - but I've spent what feels like my whole life without them. My dad has four brothers, none of them contacted me. Nobody kept in touch, they pretended it didn't happen. None of them liked my mum, but still.

I have an urge to block him. I don't want him to inadvertently update my dad (his brother) or anything. I don't know if anyone would care enough to turn up, but I don't want to see them. I've done endless counselling; reliving the abuse doesn't help anyone. I'm okay with my lot, my lovely fiancé, some great friends, my career. But I can't decide if that's unreasonable, as I do have a public presence because of my career, and if they wanted to look for me themselves, they could... (although all the profiles that I am aware of for all my family members are blocked already).

I'd really welcome any thoughts.

I'd say do what's best for you x

I understand why you want to block him, and I would do the same. You aren't close and you don't owe him anything. Cut the remaining ties and enjoy your chosen family would be my advice.

First of all, how incredible that you came through such a huge amount of trauma and challenges to build yourself a steady, happy life. You are genuinely amazing.

Secondly, you owe them nothing. When a child is in difficulty or danger it is the absolute responsibility of the adults around them to protect and nurture them. Those two things are non-negotiable and given the behaviour of those adults, none of them earned your trust, your kindness or your love. They are simply the people you share biology with, not family.

I grew up in care for my first ten years then moved in with adoptive parents. My birth family is huge and I know a few of them. Most I've blocked and walked away from because I have a happy, stable life and don't want to risk opening myself up to other people who could destabilise me and mine. I've learned over the years not to feel guilty about cutting them out; that sometimes self-preservation means doing what you need to do to ensure your own safety and mental health are protected. You are well within your rights to block him, move forward and only look back when you choose to; they don't have any rights to walk in and out of your life now. Make sure any contact is because you want it, not because someone else makes that decision for you.

Tell your MIL that your remaining family are not nice people and you don't want them in your life, so it will just be friends and your new family at the wedding.
I would possibly reply to your uncle but I wouldn't feel the need to sugar coat it. I would say you're ok now but suffered badly for a long time and can't get past the lack of help from family. And one Facebook message certainly doesn't make up for that or earn him a wedding invite.

These people didn't care for you when you were young, vulnerable and really needed them, so they're of no use to you now in happier times. I think you should continue to move forward building a happy life with your new family and block the old without a word.

What does your MIL-to-be know about the details you've written here? Maybe she needs to know some of it to understand why you shouldn't have your family at the wedding, nor involved in any other aspect of your life again. You could simplify it e.g. "I had a very difficult childhood with my mother and unfortunately none of the rest of her nor my father's family helped me despite knowing the severe problems. I don't think they will add anything to our lives and can only cause problems. I've decided therefore to remain no contact with any of them. I'm very excited to be joining your family and I'm inviting x, y and z friends who I'd like you to think of as my family."

Why does your fiance's mum want you to have family there? Is it for the look of things? Does she think if you can all get together it will magically be fixed? Or, worse, does she think she can fix it?

If you can talk to her about it it might help her understand. For those not embroiled in difficult family dynamics it can be really hard to get it.

Regarding your mother, you might want to consider a Fraud Alert or Credit Freeze to protect yourself in future. Here are some details: www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/what-is-the-difference-between-a-credit-freeze-and-fraud-alert/.

Block

You don't need to re live your past, because someone else is trying to live, with the guilt they feel, for not being there for you, when you, desperately needed someone to look after and protect you.

My fiancés mum really wants me to invite some family

this is not her decision to make - do what's best for you and well done for getting yourself together after a horrendous start to life

Block him. I wouldn’t go reopening that wound, particularly when things are going so well for you.

I am totally with @FudgeBrownie2019 . I grew up in care too. My birth family could go a few years with no contact and I would be happily getting on with my life then suddenly bam 💥 they would drop a message to me. It was always about them, their guilt etc or if things were going wrong in their lives. I would always feel a misguided sense of loyalty, after all these were my flesh and blood, and I would always respond to them but to then be left coping with the fallout. I would then have to pull myself together and crack on with my life again.
It took me until about 10 years ago to actually stand up for myself and tell them not to contact me anymore. I know the only reason they get in touch is to appease their guilt. They didn't want/weren't capable of a functioning relationship.
You have to do what feels right for you, only you know what that is. But most of all you need to learn to be at peace with the decision you make and not feel guilty.

You were treated appallingly by absolutely everyone and your uncle is trying to pretend none of that happened.

You say you have a public presence now; is he trying to get in on that, do you think?

I think it's amazing that you're unsure whether to block him. I'd be giving him what for first, but aware that you might not want to do that for fear of giving him information.

OP you owe these people nothing. No part of you or your life belongs to them as they gave you so little. Crack on with your happiness.

You say you don't want to see them - so don't reply to your uncle's message.

The detail I found most heart-breaking was your Dad seeing you aged 14 sleeping at a bus stop and just driving on
You have built a life for yourself and if you don't want to invite these people back in, don't let your future MIL persuade you

Well done you for surviving and turning your life around.

Block him and any other attempts to communicate by your family. Explain gently to your MiL if you feel able, but don't let her kind heart persuade you otherwise.

So he is an adult who would knowingly let you sleep on the steet and do nothing???

If you’re in a good place now have nothing to do with any of them.

As you've not heard from him since you were 14, and he didn't ever try and contact you despite you living onthe streets etc, I would be inclined to block.
However, do you feel he is trying to reach out to you? Would you say he is the same as the rest or your family, or is he someone who would have looked out for you before everything exploded, but for whatever reason, felt he couldn't help you?
I don't know, I'm just trying to understand why an uncle would get in touch 16 years later.

As for your wedding, I wouldn't invite any family if you wouldn't feel happy having them there. To make it less obvious, have mixed seating (no bride and grooms side). For the top table, if you are having one, have maid of honor sit in your mums seat, and another close friend to sit where your father would have sat.

Similar upbringing to you and cutting my losses was the best thing I ever did! Even maintaining a relationship with the good ones anchors you to the past!

Move on with your life and be happy!

@Skittlenommer sums it up. Leopard's don't change their spots.

No-one needs to know the reasons why. No is a full sentence repeated ad infinitum.

Oh my dear, well done for saving yourself and working through it all enough to trust. Why do we feel ashamed of our awful relatives?
Sounds tome like your trying to find a decent member of your family to invite. I think you may need to explain to your mil how bad it was. She sounds like a nice person, she may have no idea, and believe it can all be put right by loving each other more. But it can’t.
Invite your friends, and be glad that mil cares and wants it to be right, you can be part of their family now.
I hope you have a wonderful day and a happy marriage, just for info my birth family were the same level of appalling, and I have a very long-standing and happy marriage and really good relationships with my kids. We can break the cycle. Took lots of counselling tho.

I would say that your birth family lost the right to be called family somewhere around 16 years ago.

For your own preservation, block him & move on with the happy life you are building for yourself.

You don’t owe anybody anything.

Block. These people abandoned you when you were a child and they let you to be abused. They can fuck right off now if they think they have any claim on your life. Your MIL probably doesn't get why you wouldn't want any of them there. People who have had happy, secure childhoods rarely get the damage caused by abusive families. Just tell her that all the people you want to have at your wedding have been invited and there is nothing further to discuss. Be proud you have a good life now, despite them all, and you are marrying into what sounds like a loving and caring family. Much luck and happiness for your wedding and your married life, you deserve it.