to sacrifice my happiness for my family

[SadWelshWife]

NC for this. I don't even know what I'm looking for here, I suppose for someone to come and tell me it'll all be okay but I find that hard to believe right now. I don't want to dripfeed so I'll put as much in here as possible.

Myself and DH have been together for 16 years, married for 7, 3 DC (11, 5, 4). For the last couple of years I have been a SAHM as it worked out better for us financially due to childcare costs. I have my own interests and do different groups and things, so I do get time away from the children and DH. We also do lots as a family.

He has always carried a lot of baggage from a previous relationship (it was a serious, long term relationship that ended very badly and he holds a huge amount of resentment even though this is now over 17 years ago) and has a history of using alcohol to cope whenever things get on top of him. He also has a very fiery temper (never physically or verbally abusive, but will get very argumentative and believe he is in the right which usually leads me to step down because.....one of us has to).

Recently he was expecting an inheritance and realised that he had not been included in the will. He had looked after a relative for several years and been told he was in line to inherit land and money. He received nothing. He pretends this is fine and that he doesn't care but when he has a drink he will talk about it constantly.

He is also drinking much more frequently. Never blackout drunk or staggering around, but 3-4-5 drinks a night. Rarely will he go 2 nights a week without a drink.

I'm limited as to my contraception choices because of underlying health issues, which leaves us using condoms. More than once, the condom has burst and I have had to take the morning after pill which completely screws up my cycle. He doesn't see this as any big deal and despite repeatedly asking him to talk to his GP about a vasectomy, he puts it off. I have already had three c-sections and am not prepared to undergo any other procedures so as a result, sex has become an issue. To be honest, I will use any excuse I can think of to not have sex. I feel terrified that the condom will burst, I feel terrified that I will become pregnant again, and I feel like he is dismissing me. I think that sex should be something that both parties enjoy and want to do, not something that's looming over you like an elephant in the room.

This came to a head on holiday recently when he blew up at me because we hadn't had sex during the whole holiday. He told me that he "feels like a single man" because "I don't want to have sex". I have explained my fears time and time and time again and also repeatedly told him that sex is off the cards when alcohol is involved. He had drank every single night of the holiday. He thinks that because it's only a handful of drinks that he doesn't have a problem and that I am the issue. I threw out every scrap of alcohol in the house when we came home. And, of course, I cried and apologised for not wanting to have sex.

I realised that I no longer care if he comes home or not, which is such a horrible thing to say and I hate myself for typing it. I am completely indifferent to him. I care about him on a basic level, but I don't think I've been happy for a very, very long time.

I adore my DC, they adore their Dad, he adores them. We have a lovely home and they have a lovely school. I feel like I could never destroy that. But I feel like as time goes on he is just becoming more and more bitter about everything - he does not appreciate what he has, he always has to have a "cause" or a "fight" or something to "sort out". I believe that he could benefit greatly from counselling or therapy but he is old fashioned and wouldn't hear tell of it. I also think that he has an alcohol addiction problem but he also will not entertain that because he isn't staggering drunk.

So here I am, in my late thirties, crying at a computer, wondering if I can take another four decades of this before I crack up. Please don't just write "LTB". He's not even a B. He's a good Dad and a good provider and a hard worker, but the longer he goes on holding resentment and grudges and refusing to do anything at all to help himself or us as a couple, the more bitter he will get and I can see myself turning into one of those women who nicknames her husband "Grumpy" or "Victor Meldrew" - surely there's more to life than this?

I'm really sorry that you are so unhappy. You say "please don't say LTB" but realistically what is your other option other than as you say "40 years" of being miserable. Something must change and if your DH won't change then you have to make a change. I also disagree that someone with issues with alcohol can be a good dad. Priority is always alcohol.

Only you know what is best for you and clearly it's not 40 more years of the same.

You are being unreasonable. You can't even guarantee that your children will look back and thank you for this "sacrifice" on their behalf. What sort of environment is it for them? Do you honestly think they're completely unaffected by a miserable mother and a damaged father?

You can't make someone change or go for therapy or seek help, but you can remove yourself and your children from the consequences of his choices. Maybe it'll be the wake up call he needs, or maybe it'll be yet another grudge to chew on when he's drunk, but at least you'll all be building a happier life for yourself.

Your other issues aside - if you don’t want more children, get sterilised. That will carry you through this relationship and on to the next. Take control of your own fertility. Because even if you leave this bloke, any subsequent relationship will have the same contraceptive issues and you cant expect every bloke you might meet to have a vasectomy

No one wants to sleep with an alcoholic - and yes, he is an alcoholic because he uses it as a crutch, a coping mechanism. Just because he isn’t pouring it on his cornflakes, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a dependency problem.

Vocal, volatile arguing is abusive behaviour, you are minimising this because he isnt actually hitting you.

My advice? Start prepping to get a job, financial independence, and get out within the next year or two. Because it's not going to get better.

So to sum up:
You live with an angry, resentful man, who takes out his ‘disappointment with life’ on you.
He doesn’t care enough about your health and well-being to consider a vasectomy, but still expects sex despite this and takes it out on you when you are reluctant.
He’s not verbally or physically abusive Well I disagree with this statement, as his ‘argumentative’ nature is verbal abuse. He is certainly emotionally abusive. You ‘backing down because one of us has to’ is bordering on/actual conversive control. What do you think would happen if you didn’t back down?
He is a functioning alcoholic. He denies this.
He’s not a good father if he has so little regard for the mother of his children.
He will not seek help for any of the above issues that are making you miserable.
If this were your daughter/friend talking, what would your advice be?

I wouldn't assume that your children adore him and want you to stay together. They can't help but notice his drinking and his anger, particularly the 11 year old, and the reality is that he probably won't be able to resist taking it out on them, particularly once they reach adolescence. He certainly is a pretty awful role-model for them. Think hard about whether staying with him would really do them any favours.

You're all right. I know you are. I think I know deep down that you are but I just can't bear the thought of having to start all over again and I suppose I wanted a load of "yes everyone's marriage is shit just get on with it"

I have been with him for 16 years, I feel like I have completely lost myself. I don't know how to be myself without him and it's terrifying. I know I would be fine on my own but I am also so, so scared at the thought that I will be the one breaking up the family and taking his children away from him. I don't know if I can do it.

To the person who mentioned sterilisation - I have been to 2 doctors and neither will do it because I am under 40 years of age. I am on a waiting list for a consultant to see if I'm suitable for non-invasive tubal ligation but I've been on the list that long I forgot all about it until I read your comment.

I feel completely and utterly stuck. And like if I just put up and shut up and have sex even though I don't want to, and ignore the drinking, that there will be no problems and everything will be fine. Like that if he won't get help then I should be the one to step up and keep the family together.

And typing this I realise how much of a fucking martyr I come across as, I'm one of those people I would say needs a kick up the bum. I've always thought of myself as a strong woman but in reality I'm weak, aren't I? I've made myself completely dependent on this man who couldn't really give two shits about me. What have I done.

Two burst conforms suggests an error in the way you are putting them on tbh. Are you making sure you squeeze the tip of them as it’s put onto the penis? This is the number one reason they burst. And making sure you don’t use any oil based lubricant eg body oil/moisturiser/Vaseline etc.

I didn't thank my mother for staying with my father - in fact I was angry and disappointed in her that she didn't even try to leave. If you stay, be aware that option may not be the best choice for your children, and they may later think that you made the wrong choice.

Your happiness is important to your childrens' wellbeing. Don't be miserable for decades and think it is in their best interests. Their observations of your marriage will form the basis of what they think a normal relationship is.

Sadly he doesn't want to change. It's frustrating. For some reason he prefers resentment and blaming others to making positive change, and this model is suiting him. Yes if he was willing to properly engage in therapy I'm sure the therapist would uncover plenty, but at this stage in his life he's unlikely to choose to undertake something so difficult.

At the least please investigate what leaving him would involve, any steps you can take to be in a better position if you do decide to leave.

And if you decide to stay you may want to ask your GP about female sterilisation or if any contraceptives are an option for you - metal coil? Hormone coil? Injections? I don't for a moment think you should feel pushed into sex with him, but removing the fear of accidental pregnancy may make you feel a bit better.

@Haggisfish I did say that to him the last time it happened and asked him if he had actually ever been shown how to put on a condom properly and he laughed and said "I think I know how to use a condom at this stage". There's just a general lack of awareness with him about how serious stuff like this is - burst condom? Take the morning after pill. Doesn't work? Get a termination. It's just very matter-of-fact to him, he doesn't see why I have so much anxiety around sex and can not relax.

I'm irritating myself more every time I reply, have I been making excuses for a giant fucking man-child for nearly two decades? Jesus Christ. Jesus CHRIST.

I would put the condom on myself. He sounds horrendous though.

Hi OP - my father was an emotionally abusive bully and had anger issues. We had to read on egg shells. I was angry with my mum for staying. My father was worse when I hit puberty, and was a teenager wanting to have my own opinions etc. He was fine when i was a cute little girl who thought Daddy was lovely, not when i turned into an opinionated young feminist. My mum now looking back thinks she made the wrong choice to stay. But she'd made marriage vows so in her eyes that was it and she had to stay and be a martyr.

OP, I’m not trying to undermine anything anyone is saying here, but please do bear in mind, that you will get a lot of women on here who have divorced who will identify with your post, as well as a lot of women who remember abusive fathers, etc. It’s natural and understandable that they will project their feelings into your situation, but please remember that every relationship is different. Their father or ex is NOT your DH and it’s impossible to assess the reality of someone else’s life based on a few posts on here. You won’t be able to get the full picture across and when you’re in a vulnerable place, as you are now, AIBU can leave you more upset and confused because people project.

If I were you right now, I wouid prioritise counselling / psychotherapy for yourself. Give it a few months and see where you are. Please remember thst only YOU can be the judge of your children’s emotional well-being. Nobody on here has ever clapped eyes on them.

If the therapy leads you to the realisation that you have to leave him if there is no change, you could tell him to get therapy and help for his alcohol addiction as an ultimatum. He may well go for it if the alternative is losing his family.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you, but I wouid be seeking support in real life, professionally and via family / friends, as ultimately, these are the people best placed to help you. I wish you the best of luck,

I don’t know how you have put up with it so long, I don’t I would’ve lasted 6 months. What do you get from the relationship? I can see he gets someone to blame for everything that has gone wrong in his life, which is very convenient as then he never has any blame on himself.

It is difficult to realise that your marriage is awful and beyond repair, but this is partly because women are constantly told that they must resign themselves to being men's servants and caretakers, and that to want a partner who considers them human beings is being too demanding.
Make your plans slowly and steadily; get as much information as you can about how you could cope as a single mother, and remember you don't need his permission or his co-operation to dump him. He's a useless, whining parasite by the sound of it, and the DC won't thank you for staying with him and obliging them to have to put up with his tantrums and bad temper.

Re sterilisation - push for it, don't accept the blanket under 40 excuse. It is nonsense. All circumstances are different and must be considered as such.. Explain how it's affecting your life. I'm under 40 and am going in for it in a few months.

My father was an high-functioning alcoholic and my mother stayed with him 'for the sake of the children'.

Living with an alcoholic is never a picnic. Ever - no matter what you try to tell yourself. If my mother had left when we were young, the strong likelihood is that I wouldn't have lived the first decades of my adulthood suffering from cPTSD, which eventually crippled me until I fortunately recognized the symptoms and sought help.

Not leaving my father is the single biggest regret my DM harboured in the later stages of her life. There was some resentment on my side, until we talked this out and she fully recognized and acknowledged how wrong this had been, and how, completely inadvertently and with the best possible intentions, she had enabled such damage to the daughter she loved.

In the end, staying with such a man may not work out the easier option. As my DM discovered there may be a price to pay later. She never got over her guilt, although I fully forgave her (but never him).

I'm sorry you're so unhappy OP. And unfortunately I can see only one way to remedy this. Because denial is an alcoholic's best friend, and he's so deeply immersed in it that I can't see how this will ever get better.

I was sterilised at 30. If your doctor is refusing to refer you, I suspect they are projecting their own moral stance. See a different doctor. Your body, your choice.

My ex volunteered to have a vasectomy whilst we were still together. I already knew that I wouldn't be with him forever so suggested he didn't. I know he would have blamed me later if I had let him, even though he eventually did have one. He, later still. met a new partner who didn't have children and I was so pleased he couldn't blame me for his vasectomy.

He doesn't sound like a good husband or a good father either.

He also isn't using condoms properly. Is he leaving a small air bubble (instead of none or a large one) like you're meant to? I witnessed a class of apparently sexually active sixth former boys, put condoms on plastic penises. It was quite terrifying how bad they were!