NC as this is probably really outing to anyone that knows me well.
I've recently been diagnosed with a balanced translocation and it's been the cause of a lot of recurrent miscarriages. I recently got further in a pregnancy than I ever had before and thought my luck had finally come in but unfortunately at the last scan it appears to have stopped growing and I find out this week whether I will need to see emergency gyne about managing the miscarriage as it's not yet happened naturally.
Work is awful. It is so stressful and busy and just a horrible place to be at the moment, not just for me. It's that's stressful people are literally in tears and being signed off with stress left right and centre.
I'm getting married next month and I am looking forward to it but at the same time I'm panicking so much about what I'll be like when it's over. It's been such a welcome distraction having a bit of something positive going on that I'm really concerned I'll go back to being depressed when it's over.
I'm on anti depressants and going to counselling for anxiety which started when the miscarriages did which help slightly but I'm still struggling.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to walk away from work and curl up in a ball at home and wait for this to be over. I can't begin to move on yet because my baby is still inside me even though it's likely already gone and my head is a mess.
I do speak to DP but I feel like I'm just going round in circles and I really need to get a grip. Like I just need to get on with it, this isnt the worst thing anyone has gone through etc... But I just want to run away.
I'm so tired, mentally drained. Funnily I can sleep, really well. It's all I want to do.
Everyone who knows keeps telling me I need to be strong but I just feel so weak.
I don't know why I'm writing, I just need to get it down as honestly and as raw as possible without feeling like I'm being stupid.