To think this is abusive

[Hotchocmom]

Dh and I are both struggling with our health and things have been building up for a while. I feel like a shadow of former self, have lost all confidence and just would prefer to not see friends or family. For years socializing was always a source of conflict. Dh is introverted and I was outgoing and always planning and doing something with friends and family. I took a step back and realized I was putting him under pressure and myself as well. If we entertained at home there was seldom a team effort. I grew tired of making all the effort on our part to maintain relationships and host. As a result of this change, our lives got smaller.

I also gave up my job to be a sahp with our dc, it was the best thing for our family. Except it means I rely on dh financially. He provides well but comments are made as a joke about “his” money. I have unequivocally explained that we both contribute to our family and comments like that upset me as I feel it negates what I do for “us” and gave up to be at home. He apologizes for his jokes but it’s a matter of time before another one.

This past weekend we were heading out for the day and dh bumped his head as he got into the car, he was clearly frustrated. As anyone might be I guess. We stopped to pick up some refreshments and he got out the car and started yelling at me when I got out the car to run in to the shop. I was totally shocked at his outburst and was trying to get him to calm down but I was cornered in the parking lot, he then punched our car. In 15 years, he has shoved me once (2 years ago) and punched a cupboard and broken his hand (11 years ago). The awful thing is this time my dc witnessed this.

Is this abuse? Is this justified because he’s going through a tough time?

Aibu in thinking this is abusive.

Yes it is abusive
He also sounds controlling and has isolated you from your friends. He's not joking either when he says its his money.

Lovely, yes, he is abusive. I realise how much you’ve been through, it grinds you down and you’re in the thick of it before you even know it.
You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Your DC as well.
It’s not ok.
Do you know about the freedom programme?

How awful for you, you are the 'Frog in the pot' analogy I am sad to say.
How old are the DC's now? Is it possible to get out of the house and go back to work to enable you to see things more clearly? Have you anyone in RL who you could talk to? Family? This will only get worse I am afraid.

Sorry OP it does sound like abuse, he sounds controlling and as if should anything go wrong, you are automatically to blame some how.

Have you heard of gas lighting?

If you had to think of a set time period, do more things fall on your radar, where he's made you feel uncomfortable, upset, to blame?

Is it possible to ask if the health stuff is MH or physical? Is it a new diagnosis or something long term that's been consistent or declining?

It's not ideal for you, as it's your home, especially if you are unwell, you might prefer to have people visit. If hubby isn't happy, he can go elsewhere away from it all. Read a book or his phone in your bedroom etc.

Some might even say his reluctance to socialise, is an attempt to make your support network smaller, so you don't voice concerns to others, they don't see how say you/DC change when he's about.

It's a really awful situation to be in, most people would say think about DC, I think you've got to look at how this impacts you too. Maybe keep a journal, then you might see patterns emerging.

I haven’t done the freedom programme. I will look at it. I wouldn’t say I am being abused... I don’t have bruises, cuts or broken bones but mentally I’m not in a good place.

My dc are 8, twins. I could go back to work, will need to figure it out practically. Except I don’t really feel like I can sell myself in an interview. I was always so good at what I did and had various promotions but having been out of it for a while now and feeling so bleak- I need to work on this.

He is a nasty abusive man. Here have my first LTB x

So sorry op. I found reading why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft really helped me to assess the situation I was in, which certainly had similarities to yours.

You don't have to have bruises to be abused, mental injury can be far far worse .

OP, abuse is not just physical, lovely.
Now, if I told you my exH has done everything in his power to be unpleasant, rude and moody every time my friends visited, would you say he had the right to do so? Or is it that he was forcing me to give my friendships up?

I have no idea why men do it, but once we have kids they resent not being the centre of attention anymore. That’s not love. It’s just fucked up. I’d like to say I can see why they would think it’s ok, darling, you stay at home and look after the kids, I’ll support us. I’m afraid it’s mainly because they want us at their beck and call all the time: you’re not working, you’ve got time to do everything for me.
You can do better.

Read up on it OP
Before
Making any major decisions start to educate yourself

Also start making changes . Start thinking about working again , see family without him . Start to build
Up your networks and confidence slowly

It’s all well and good realising he is abusive but you need to be strong to get out of the situation

Personally I would start with boosting yourself first. Set small achievable goals
Every week

Appreciate all the responses.

Dh and I had constructive discussions this week and agreed to go for counseling to deal with his anger issues.

Earlier we had a disagreement, nothing serious but he grabbed my hand and started hitting himself with it. I was trying to pull my hand away and asked him what he was doing?!

I’m started to lose faith in our marriage. Will get the counseling I need and do the work I need to, to get my head and self in order.

There's many different forms of abuse, they don't have to include cuts & bruises. Those most calculated know how to inflict pain without it showing.

There's physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse.

What I would be inclined to do, is think of a day when he's behaved in that way, how did you feel, how long did you feel like that for? Did you have any physical symptoms like struggling to eat, feeling sick, shaky, panicky? Has his behaviour affected your communication with others? This could be as simple as him living on his phone, you're not allowed to touch yours, you feel bad about calling people when he's there, or you have to guard what you say?

Another big indicator, you posted on here querying abuse, as I'm guessing you're scared if you told someone who cared, they wouldn't be pleased.

Do you want to live feeling constantly awful.

If there's a charity in your area that focus on women struggling, contact them.

Honestly as someone who has gone through it, I have so many regrets over how I was made to feel, how long it was tolerated etc.