To be terrified and not know what to do next

[Doneitagainidiot]

I've name changed for this, been a member for years.

I've found out this weekend that my husband is an alcoholic (he doesn't know I know) I've suspected before but not had proof. We've talked about the fact he used alcohol in the past and he played down how much he drinks and promised me he has never been drink driving (he knows this is my deal breaker).

I've given him chances in the past when I've had my suspicions but he's obviously lied to me. I feel so fucking stupid.

I thought he loved me and the kids(mine from a previous abusive relationship, yep I know how to pick them!) but he obviously chose alcohol, if he'd admitted it and wanted help then I would support but the fact he hasn't and is deliberately hiding alcohol suggests to me he doesn't want to give up.

I moved away from my friends and family (a long drive) and I don't drive, my instinct is to leave to be honest but it means upheaval for the kids, and I'm scared, I can't think straight right now and need an unmumsnetty hand hold please

I’m so sorry. This sounds really tough for you. What did you find that means you’re certain?

I found a bottle in a place it shouldn't be, that was full on friday night and empty this morning, I know I can't say with certainty about the drink driving, but if he's lied about the drinking then I can't believe anything he says. I thought I've smelt it on his breath before too (I have a very sensitive sense of smell!)

I love him so much and it hurts but I can't take a chance on the drink driving especially with my kids.

Very sorry to hear. Would it be worth speaking to Al Anon?

You need to tell him you know. He might be desperate for the help but not know how to do it because he’s lied and lied and lied so much he doesn’t know how to come out and say yes I’ve been lying to you.

Is there an under lying reason for his alcoholism?

My current partner had a drinking problem and it took him several goes to get where he is now and that also involved a lot of lying about him drinking/being at the pub/his wages so he could have more drinking spends.

Don’t just leave him he certainly needs the help and is more than likely very depressed and hates himself for lying to you.

I really hope you manage to get this sorted and hope your hubby manages to turn a corner and accept the help. He may not even think he is an alcoholic - mine didn’t until he started going to AA meetings.

Sadly until he faces up to this, you can't help him. He needs to admit the problem and want help but it doesn't sound like he's at that place yet.