Trying to juggle family, friends and work

[longdistanceclaraaa]

Hi

Does anyone else struggle to juggle family, friends and work? I have an 18 month old and am heavily pregnant. I work full time. I have very good and long standing friends who I try to make the same effort with as before i had children, but it's exhausting. We end up with two weekend days full of activity and I still feel like I'm not getting around to seeing everyone. Then by the time you do see everyone it's been ages since you saw the first group and so it starts again. We've had a particularly busy weekend so I'm feeling exhausted. Next weekend, we've made plans to see a friend and her family but her boyfriend is hard work, and, being brutal, I don't want to give up yet more weekend time on something that will be a bit challenging. I'd rather just catch up with her when I'm back on mat leave as she's brilliant to spend time with, albeit her boyfriend is not.

Does something have to give? Can you maintain family, work and friends like you did pre kids?

Not really an aibu- just interested in people's thoughts.

Does it have to be full on weekends due to distance or are their alternatives like a quick coffee or meal?

OP I used to be like this and I got to the point where I couldn't keep it up anymore. I was exhausted constantly to the point it was making me miserable. We now only ever see friends/family on one weekend day and I go out after work max once per week. I try and make up for it by staying in touch more by email, WhatsApp etc.

Most people don't keep up with friends the same way after kids.

Eventually things had to change for me. I kept up with my old friends until ds went to school then it became much harder because ds had a very busy social life. I am a lone parent and I just couldnt manage to juggle keeping in touch with everyone. So I lost touch with my old friends. We keep in touch occasionally with an email/whatsapp.

I just focussed on family and work.

You can't keep up with friends the same way after DC. Stop trying!

Are your friends actually pushing for this or is it you setting yourself this challenge? Regardless, you need to be taking better care of yourself. Take a break from the treadmill.

I see friends a lot less than I did. Have lost touch with some (when I realised I didn’t want to make the effort to see them, I figured the friendship has run its course- they clearly feel the same as they haven’t tried to keep in touch either!) and others I see less but keep in regular whatsapp/text contact. Lots of my friends live far enough away that we go and stay or they come here and planning a short holiday with a few of them (with kids) next year. Currently on mat leave but when back at work, I imagine I’ll go out after work maybe once a month...doesn’t sound much but with a bad sleeper it almost sounds too much for me! Once kids get older and sleep improves I imagine my independent social life will also improve.
One thing I’m strict on is having a weekend once a month or so where we don’t DO anything other than hang out just the 4 of us.

Most of us compromise in friendships with little kids in the mix. When it comes to the crunch, they’re just lower priority. This is widely understood I think, even though it can be sad. DH and I have coped by: keeping in touch more-including PHONING people-there’s nothing like an actual chat; on a good week we each see a friend/friends once; being v selective about who we put the time in with. I would not be sacrificing time/energy to hang out with someone I didn’t like.

I stressed myself trying to fit everyone in - I have 2 with a similar age gap to yours. Learn to say no.

There is a great article that I read about the early years with kids, how you may not be the greatest friend at that stage but bear with us as it will get easier. Made me look at things differently and it has definitely been the case.

Just say no and catch up when you feel able.

I managed to do more socialising when my son was a baby. He was pretty easy, in a predictable routine etc so found it easy to bring him along to whatever I was doing or pass him over to babysitter . I found it much harder from about 20 months. He wants fun and exertion from the moment he gets up. By the time he's asleep DH and I collapse on the sofa with a box set and chill. I don't have the energy to go out most evenings.
I'm heavily pregnant now too. We've been catching up with people as the weather is nice and we know we won't see them much for awhile. It's important not to exert yourself too much, good friends will understand. I've made a couple of friends locally and this is helpful as I find it a bit easier to meet them, energy permitting .

Thanks a lot everyone- you're saying what I expected (and wanted) to hear- that you can't continue to do it all.

I like the idea of phone calls. I'm not a huge fan of speaking on the phone but if or frees up time at weekends it would definitely be worth it.

Thanks a lot

Hi OP - my username probably reflects how I used to be.
My social life and keeping in touch with friends was really poor for 8 years!! Weekends were spent just catching up on sleep, life admin, chores and trying to spend time with the kids.
Now my youngest is almost 6y and I am settled in my career my social life has really picked up. I have rekindled old friendships - really good friends will understand - and we are having a ball.
Work is still busy but we have a couple of reliable baby sitters if we want to go our together and we also go out with our own set of friends.
I remember distinctly feeling quite down thinking if my DH dies I have no other life beyond him, kids and work.
Things will get better, hopefully sooner than 8 years for you.

I'm childfree and struggle to fit everything in at the weekends!

Thanks!

Yes I have been thinking the same- what if I let my world get too narrow- and end up with no wider circle than my family? It's good to hear that it all settles once the very young years are over.

I read a helpful thing a few weeks ago- don't arrange to do something next month that you wouldn't want to do tomorrow. I'm going to have a strict one-day-free policy every weekend and apply that rule to arrangements too.