To be worried I haven’t achieved enough

[indifferentstars]

Just feel like everyone is doing better and I’m flagging. I have an ok job in London- but not the London salaries you hear about everyday. I’m good at my job but no prodigy. I have a nice house- but it’s very small house and nothing fancy. Nice holidays- but infrequent and scrimp all year to afford them. Lovely partner but trouble conceiving and currently feeling silly jealous of mums and dads around me.

It just feels like I’m plodding and never ‘outstanding’ or ‘good enough’ and all my peers have amazing jobs, holidays, families (even if they don’t have it all, at least one aspect of their life is ‘outstanding’). Does anyone else get those feelings? And how do you cope with them? I know I need to give my head a wobble but it’s hard to do sometimes!

I don't want to dismiss your feelings, especially about conceiving (must be tough) but may be mostly 'comparison is the thief of joy'.

I'm lucky with my life but would LOVE to live in London. I could easily allow this to get me down but I won't.

So many would love to have what you have.

It's fine to plod along! In fact, without wishing to sound unkind, be grateful that you can! So many people who have chronic illnesses or mh issues would be very happy to be able to 'plod' ifyswim.

Where are you getting all this information about your peers? If it is off social media, then you know people only post the good bits. I have five good friends and each one of them outwardly seems to be very successful and happy but one is recovering from cancer, one has very elderly and ill parents, one has a husband who has been made redundant and he can't find a job forcing her to return to work when she thought she had retired, one is having treatment for depression and one is overwhelmed trying to balance her children's needs with the demands of her job and her dp has a chronic illness. All of them have posted happy holiday pics on social media this summer though! So don't assume people are doing better than you!

If this is something more than just a general dissatisfaction though (which we all suffer from time to time) if you are looking to start a fami!y then it sounds like you are young enough to change your life entirely and go travelling, move to a different part of the world, change your job or re-train perhaps?

Sorry, meant to say, what do you want to do with your life? Do you want the chance to really shine at something? Is there something you are really good at that you would like to pursue? Maybe a session with a careers advisor or a lifecoach would help?

Fwiw, I get satisfaction and pleasure through creative pursuits and corny though it sounds from being with animals and being in the countryside. They all help me live in the moment rather than worrying about the past or the future!

I’m sure I am way older than you and one thing I know for sure is that no matter how glossy and perfect things look from the outside there’s a heck of a lot you don’t know about people.
I am a widow. My friends husband has been to prison. Another friend’s child is in rehab (again), another has had 13 miscarriages. On the surface we all look shiny and bright and all’s well...I don’t tell people my problems.
And it seems you are living the same way as the majority of people. There’s always someone with a better or higher paying job, bigger house, successful spouse, genius kids. That’s life. I’m not saying be happy with your lot, you can change jobs, move homes etc; you control your life and how you feel about it.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Count your blessings and don't worry about it 🤷‍♀️

Totally get that. I became ok with mediocrity a while ago though. I'm happy being medicocre particularly at work.

What are these London salaries you hear about everyday? Do you know how many people work in London on minimum wage, zero hour contracts?

It sounds like you need to explore life beyond your current friends. Have you thought about volunteering? It might make you more thankful for what you've got.

It sounds like you are doing well to me. I am sorry about the fertility problems, to requote a pp but comparison really is the thief of joy.
You could have a lot less, through no fault of your own.

I know for sure is that no matter how glossy and perfect things look from the outside there’s a heck of a lot you don’t know about people

This is so true.
To the outside world, I look to have the perfect life, in many was I do,lovely home, fantastic DH and DD ,nice car, and no money worries.
But there is a sadness that will never leave me, that I carry around.

What is it you'd rather be doing op? How does your dp feel?

@Pipandmum and others that have mentioned about comparison and what we see not being reality- very wise and I know this is true but everyone I hear about through friends or bump into or on fb is either literally changing the world through their work in human rights, a hot shot lawyer, successful publisher...and I’m just me on a ‘liveable’ London wage plodding along. There’s nothing special or unique about me and nothing I’m really talented at- I’m just quite bland and non-offensive.

I know logically I need to be more grateful for what I have!

@cushioncovers I think that’s the problem- there’s nothing else I’m good at that a could be doing! People often say I’m lovely with children and a natural ‘mum’ and I can’t even get that right as my body isn’t good enough

Do you have the time to take on something you feel passionate about, something not related to money.
I think you need a feeling of pride, could you volunteer for women's aid, help feed the homeless, collect winter stock.

@EmeraldShamrock about a year ago I started volunteering monthly with children to give me a sense of purpose and because I love children- I absolutely love it but I still feel not good enough and lost at sea

Please be careful what you wish for.

I'd be so grateful to plod along and not have the Jeremy Kyle level shit that seems to follow you around.

However, it might be that you feel like this because you are having trouble conceiving and your brain is trying to divert this upset by concentrating on the 'fluff' of life. Procreation is not the only path to happiness and fulfilment, before I'm jumped on, but it is a biopsychosocial drive that is very strong.

*follow me around (sorry!)

You could probably sell your nice but small house in London and buy a much more extensive property elsewhere; a move that would make even more sense if you're not particularly happy in your London job. But is this what you want?

It's always a case of weighing up pros against alternatives and deciding what would make you happiest. (I like visiting London, but to live in, it's not for me). As for your job, are you OK with just OK? (And this is fine). Is it a case of wanting more materially, or fulfilling a real passion? If it's the latter I'd be sorely tempted to go for a career change. Research it, see if there are any small steps you can follow in incremental stages until you reach your goal. And as for being outstandingly talented or internationally-renowned in any capacity, that's a privilege afforded to very few people. A general respect for being good at what you do and making some form of significant contribution is the best most of us can hope for!

I'm sorry you are having trouble conceiving; been there and it's very tough.

I don't necessarily subscribe to being 'grateful for what you have', unless it's in terms of health, love, etc. But if it's your career and the way you are living your life that's the issue, I'm all for 'if you're not happy with your life, change it'. It's a question of deciding what your priorities are, and then going for it.

Good luck to you.

@indifferentstars I think you need new friends.
I grew up with friends who are successful, A solicitor she hasn't changed but the others really have, one is vice president of a large company, another who works for a large charity, Dsis married rich.
We used to meet for dinner every 3 months, I don't bother anymore, we are worlds apart, especially the VP she was my bestfriend, I know she's misses me we still meet occasionally now she has a DC, usually Dsis comes the conversation always ends up about money, fancy holidays, investments, it use to effect me, not now It is their loss.
I'm happy with my lot.

Try to flip your language. I’ve got a good job in London that I work hard at, I’ve got a lovely little house that I am proud to live in, I’m excited to see what the next stage brings for me and my partner - hoping to conceive, but who knows what that journey will bring. I volunteer for a childrens charity and its really rewarding. These people you meet are just good at talking themselves up, and they are not telling you when they find their job boring, when their partner had an affair, when they’ve been scammed or burgled or lost their job. You’re seeing all their best bits and underselling yourself. You should be very proud of your achievements, and whether they are or not your parents should be very projd.

Hmm, but when they die all those "achievements" will be erased anyway, so what does it matter as long as you can find value, fulfilment and purpose in your own life each day.