To feel hurt by this?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

My parents live 4 and a half hours drive away from us. I have a 10 month old DS. They both/my mum came up regularly when he was a tiny baby.
Since he’s got older they’ve been coming up to visit less and less. There’s always an excuse when I ask if they’re coming up. Mum had said she was coming up at the end of August, however since speaking to her this morning she’s now said because my dad has got time off (she doesn’t work) that they need to do some decorating instead.
They saw him last month, when we travelled to them. But the next time they’re saying they’ll come up is for his birthday in October.
They and mum in particular gets really upset that we see his other grandparents a couple of times a week because they live 15 mins drive away. They’re going to be having him once a week when I go back to work next month too.
But then they don’t do anything to change this?!
They also don’t like leaving their dog in kennels. We don’t really have space here for them to stay and the dog, plus she’s a bit temperamental now she’s a bit older, so I’m not sure I want to risk my DS crawling around with her there now.
So that’s another problem, knowing what to do with the dog when they come up. There’s no family or friends that can have her.

I want my parents to see him more often, as I do feel sad that my DP’s parents spend more time with him than they do.
Last time we did see them in July, he was really distressed when my dad held him or sat him on his lap because he hadn’t seen him in over a month (a long time in a baby’s life!) I think both my parents were really upset by his reaction. He’s not like that with my in laws. But then again what do they expect? I really don’t know what to do.
We are hopefully travelling down there to spend Christmas with them. And we did the travelling last month to see them. He absolutely hates the car seat , especially on long journeys and gets really distressed.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I think you just need to accept that with the distance and the dog it's not really going to be that practical for your parents that often.

My in laws live far away and it was a bit of a problem when they were babies with not being familiar but now they are a bit older it's fine.

Even though we don't see my in laws that often we tend to stay for a few days when we go and also have a big family holiday so they do spend quality time.

When he is a bit older, would they face time with you and DS? My DS just turned 2 and has seen my FIL and MIL the same amount when we go for visits but is much more confident with MIL as my DH facetimes her one or twice a week with DS.

Regarding the journey- could you meet somewhere in between for an overnight visit. A B and B or premier inn. That way they could get the dog looked after for just one night. Travel lodges take dogs if they wanted to bring it.

Your parents are going to just have to accept that it's going to take longer and be harder for them to get to know your child well due to distance.

My parents live at a distance so we only see them four times a year or so. DD and I Face Time with them every day and have done since she was about 6 months old and it's made a huge difference. She recognises them immediately when she sees them so there's less of a warming up period and they're as involved in her life as her local relatives, if not more so. On days when I'm working I do it when she's having her tea and she just chats away to them in her high chair. On non-working days I phone them in the morning and point the camera at her as she plays while my parents and I chat.

How old are your parents? Maybe the journey is getting too much for them.

As in what you do if you want to facilitate a relationship is you drive to them. Make frequent stops 🤷

You could get a dog gate to keep dog and baby in different rooms. They are portable so could come with you if you visit them. It could be useful if you have stairs anyway.
This would show that you want them to visit. Look for a cheap B&B nearby?

We all have different priorities in life.

I would enjoy the local GPs who want to be involved and enjoy your precious baby, and sad as it is, leave your parents to their dog and wallpaper.

Thats rather unpleasant @Heatedrollers. You cant expect people to undertake a 4and 1/2 hour journey, pay for kennels and a hotel or b and b once a month. Doesn't mean they value the dog or wallpapering over the GC but they have to try and fit it all in.

Unless you're used to it (or you live in Australia!), four and a half hours is quite a journey to make very often. You're all making valid excuses but your Mum needs to accept that the logistics mean she won't see DC as often as your in-laws. Just be firm and say of course you'd love to see them more you're not going to subject your baby to regular long car journeys. Maybe you could loosen up over the dog (who won't be around forever) or they can book into a local B&B?

If there wasn't a dog or wallpaper, there would be something else.

It's ok to have different priorities as I already said.

It's ok to enjoy people locally who are available, my point being enjoy the baby and those who are around to share the joy.

Works both ways @Heated rollers. Op went last month has no plans to go again until Xmas but wants to see them every month. Her DPs could just as easily be saying always an excuse. With that distance involved I dont think its reasonable for either side to be expected to visit once a month.

So you traveled last in July and the next time you're visiting is Christmas so 5-6 months but you expect them to do the journey more often?

My parents live 4-5 hours away, we choose to live where we do and this means we don't see them often. If we wanted to see them more we'd visit more.

I know what some of you are saying. But surely as we have the baby who really struggles with long car journeys and we both work, surely them doing the travelling the majority of the time for now makes sense. Then when he’s a little older we can do some more of the travel. I understand we won’t see each other often, but it’s when they start complaining and getting upset that I don’t understand, as they could come up more often to compensate. A little thing I didn’t mention is they both get free train travel as my dad works for the railway. However we would be paying petrol/train costs out of my part time pay/my DP’s not great salary.

Good ideas re: face time though.

They can either stop moaning or visit more often they dont get the right to complain at you and expect you to do all the travel when you have a young child it's just not practical

Enjoy the local grandparents and ignore the distant ones

Where did they say they expect OP to do all the travel? They said they couldn't come in August but could come in Oct? Op travelled in July and is going again at Xmas.

You say there are no friends / family to help them with the dog. Doesn't sound like they have any ties then, would they be open to relocating to be closer to you?

They didn't say she should travel up more often but she feels responsible in part for the situation because she is unable to do so