To be sad that I don't have a best friend

[ratherstuck]

I'm feeling a bit sad that I don't have someone who is so close to me that I can say or do anything with them. I have lots of good friends and I really enjoy their company, but I had a favour to ask recently and felt a bit embarrassed to ask anyone as to not inconvenience them. I think most of them would have said yes but I would wonder if they would just to be polite? I'm probably being a bit unfair.
Anyway I have 2 particular friends who I see a lot and suppose I see them as my closest friends, but in chatting to one the other day, it seems she has made "best friends" with someone and I feel a bit jealous. My friend's DC1 is autistic but she always seemed to cope so well and is amazing with her kids. She mentioned that she really struggled through this period of time and her other friend turned up to her house and offered to have her other DC for a few nights! She was being a bit gushy about how they all love her so much. I've always offered to help when we are out but I'm not in a position to drop round and take on another DC as I have young DCs myself. So I'm just asking, if you want to be really good friends with someone, you have to go above and beyond like that? I wouldn't have known that she would want someone to just come unannounced to do that? I wish she would chat to me about how I could help. If she asked me I could have done it.
The other lovely friend has 2 amazing sisters so I suppose she has great friends in them already.
What can I do to get closer to a friend? It sounds a bit creepy even as I write this?? Everyone seems to have friends from school, uni, siblings etc that are already their "best friend"! I know it sounds so childish but I would like someone who I can call on and know that they will be there for me unconditionally?
Aibu to want this as a grown woman??

I sometimes think the idea of a ‘best friend’ is a bit immature the older I get. I feel lucky to have a lot of friends but don’t regard any single one as my ‘best’ friend. I talk to different friend about different things. Some I can confide anything in, some I tend to have less ‘deep’ conversations with. I don’t think a best friend is necessary, I just feel lucky that I have friends as I know other people struggle to make or maintain friendships.

I don't know, I have lots of good friends to whom I feel I can say anything, but I don't have a best. I'd feel that relationship was too much for me. I've had someone try be my best but it felt somehow juvenile to me. I don't want to know your every thought. I've had v good friends go on to develop "best" with another, I wish that was for me but it isn't so I've been glad for them.

I don't think that what you want is U but I don't think it's helpful for you to label this as a 'best friend'. As an adult, it makes more sense to have friends who you value for different qualities and reasons, rather than adopting a hierarchy that puts one friend above all the others.

It's not really an issue you can force - you can only let your friends know you're there for them and willing to help wherever possible.

Being there for someone 'unconditionally' is a lot to ask - aim for a friendship where you will each do the best you can - that's really all you can ask of a friend.

Thanks. Those responses really helped. My situation is the same as yours. Unconditional is a bit strong but I just mean someone I can call on for help and would be glad to come. Currently, I would feel if I "have" to return the favour. A bit tit for tat.
I think it's stemmed from my friend getting closer to someone else. It feels like I'm losing her as I haven't done enough but didn't know I needed to.

I have kept the same group of friends for years and would consider them all “best” friends but I would tend to confide in them or lean on them for different things. I was incredibly close to one and thought I could tell her everything but she was the biggest blab and has ditched me due to jealousy over one of my other friendships. Showed me very quickly that the ones I didn’t think were as close offered a far healthier friendship!

Just because your friend turned to someone else when she was struggling doesn’t mean she counts your friendship any less. It’s healthy to have more than one very close friend with different qualities. You will lose your friend if you take it personally or change friendship because of it. You don’t have to go above and beyond you just have to be there for each other when called upon, make the effort to maintain the friendship and understand you each have friends outside of your friendship and that it’s healthy to have that

‘As an adult, it makes more sense to have friends who you value for different qualities and reasons, rather than adopting a hierarchy that puts one friend above all the others.’s as a 'best friend'. As an adult, it makes more sense to have friends who you value for different qualities and reasons, rather than adopting a hierarchy that puts one friend above all the others.

Totally agree with the above

Tbh having a ‘best friend’ smacks of junior school playground stuff. As an adult I think it’s far healthier to have a group of close friends, who may have different qualities.

I know someone who is always banging on in Social media about her ‘bestie’ and referring to her as her soul sister which just seems very juvenile and contrived

Best friends are great when theres no dp imo. For me I can't spread myself across dp, DC and a best friend who wants to meet up and chat all the time. I've had a couple of best friends that I would spend lots of time with, we would see each other 3/4 times a week, chat on the phone for hours every day and live in each others lives. I can't maintain that level of friendship when I have older DC and a DP. I'm also less tolerant of choices friends make as I get older. I didn't use to care but now I innerly judge. I'm not sure why that is! I miss not being a judgy bitch.

My dp fills that best friend gap (almost). But I miss the funness of a best friend friendship with a girl.

I can kind of understand your point. I was in a similar situation where I felt like I had no best friend so I stopped trying. It gets tiring to always be a second choice if the other 'best friend' or 'closer friend' is not available. I really reduced my number of friends and decided to put in the same effort into a relationship that they do etc. My only adivce is don't make an effort for any friend that does not do the same for you. Don't waste time and energy into a one way friendship

It sounds like you're probably close enough to these people that you could have asked them your favour - they might just think you don't need their help because you don't ask.

Totally agree with pp about it not being about having one 'best friend', I've got lots of people o know I could turn to whenever I needed but wouldn't pick one of them out as 'best'. We all turn to each other for different things. I'm the one that one of my friends comes to for last minute babysitting help but that doesn't mean she's closer to me than another of our friends who she would never ask, she's definitely as close to us both.

And you don't need to feel that it's something you'd need to pay back, over the course of a friendship you would pay it back in some way, it just might not be immediately and might not be like for like.

Sounds like you have good friends, but the concept of a best friend for adults is a bit immature.

I have an autistic child and no matter how well you 'cope', it's still bloody hard work. I would never expect someone to look after my child overnight, but if someone volunteered to take my children, I would definately gush a bit. That doesn't mean she values you less as a friend.

Good friendships have chemistry and shared history and trust and love. Also get drunk and get into scrapes!

I just mean someone I can call on for help and would be glad to come. Currently, I would feel if I "have" to return the favour. A bit tit for tat.

I think this is how it works. My best friend has been my best friend since school, and I know that if I needed her she would drop everything to be there for me. But in return, if she needed me I would drop everything to be there for her. It's a two-way street.

I imagine it can be hard if you're trying to make this kind of a friend as an adult; part of our closeness comes from having gone through so much together and supported each other at a time before we had partners etc when we were each other's main support system. So I don't know what to advise, except that I think you should try to be the kind of friend you wish you had. If you show your friends that you are there for them and willing to help, it will (hopefully) end up with them being the same kind of friend for you.

YANBU I feel the same. I do have this relationship with my DH, but if anything went wrong with him/our relationship I’d have nowhere to turn without feeling like I’m imposing.

Anytime I read grown people on here talk about their “best friends” it sounds cringey

It seems odd to rate all your relationships into adulthood like you do in primary school it’s not a competition.