To ask if there’s a specific name for this behaviour?

[FeedMeCarrotCake]

It could just be the person being a crippling arsehole, maybe they're a massive manipulator, a narcissist, a gas lighter - I don’t know! - but I often wonder if there’s an actual name for this type of behaviour/actions - there’s a name for everything these days so just trying to pin point what it might possibly be:

Example 1: person A cheats on Person B. ‘B’ takes A back, A then expects B to sit down and shut up about anything related/relating to the cheating from the off. A gets angry and exclaims ‘how are you not over this already?’ if B is upset or tries to discuss the situation, even if it’s only been a few weeks since B discovered the ONS/affair etc.

Example 2: person A does something that they know will hurt/upset/piss off/break the trust of person B. Rather than be honest about the plans they have (which will upset person B), person A goes to extreme lengths to lie, deceive and pull the wool over B’s eyes. B catches A out, an arguments ensues, less than a week later, B still has some questions about A’s recent behaviour and so wants some more answers - A gets annoyed at B and can’t figure out why B isn’t over it, why B is still bringing it up, how long A will have to sit and listen to all of this?!

My first thought is simply, ‘well, A is a c*nt, if they’ve wronged someone, they don’t get to dictate how long the other person takes to feel better again, and should be willing to answer any and all questions to help relieve B’s pain and frustrations’.
But.
I also feel like there has to be a term for this behaviour? Anyone able to help me out or have experience with this??
I'd like to read up more on it - the effects acting that way has on A's mind and the way they view things, but also the long term effects B will go through after being subjected to it.

I wouldn’t know of a specific term. There’s a few that come to mind and none are flattering. Deceitful, disloyal, sleazy, cowardly, bully seems to fit quite well.
Isn’t it the absolute definition of narcissism when someone fails to take responsibility for their actually and blames someone else?

I don't know if there's a term for it, but you're describing XH to a t.

It took me years to realise it was him not me (the secind type of behaviour that is). I couldn't see why he didn't 'get' that the lyungbwas the problem, not the odd day of golf or whatever.

Yes- there is a name for it. It’s called “being an arsehole”

And the way to cure it is to dump.

I believe the name for it is “twunt”
A sounds like an unpleasant person, who is untrustworthy and puts them self and their needs before B’s.
If it was narcissism you would have a much longer and complex tale to tell. If it was gaslighting there would be much more of A convincing B there was no ONS or secret plans and it was all in their mind despite it being proven by texts/evidence etc.
B does not trust A anyway, and A is selfish so I say they end it.

A has definitely gone to extreme lengths to fool B in the past. Ridiculous lies, a lot of 'you don't know what you're talking about' and then finally 'oh just drop it, leave it, forget it' when A realises B is definitely on the right track to sussing them out.

I just wondered whether the sheer lack of acknowledgment for their actions and the repercussions that follow were symptomatic of something - I did initially wonder whether it was narcissism. Trying to wrap my head around how someone could knowingly cause pain, then have the audacity to sit there and try and dictate how long the other person gets to feel upset/concerned for. Obviously that's Grade A arsehole shit, but, the thought that it's due to a specific 'problem' or 'term' or even learned behaviour has definitely crossed my mind.

You're person A aren't you.

No

Oh I can relate to this! A few years ago it was my whole life!

A just lies so they can gain something or do something they know is wrong.

It's that simple. People lie for a reason.

This person reason seems to be, he knows what he wants to do will upset B. So will lie to do it anyway. But also doesnt want to face the consquences of lying.

The only way to solve it, is to dump A.

There doesnt have ti be a label for you to be able to walk away.

"I did initially wonder whether it was narcissism"

No, it isn't.

On the face of it, if you take someone back, then it should be put to bed.

A is a twat. B needs better boundaries.

B should have stayed single, whilst working out if they have a relationship worth salvaging, based on A's explanations and behaviour to win back B's trust.

The second issue isn't connected to the first. But B should reconsider if they should stay in the relationship.

Personally i think that the relationship needs to end. A has little respect for B and will push it until B wakes up.

I think this is what I understand gaslighting to be, though I could be wrong.

I think gaslighting is where someone tries to get the other to question their own thoughts and feelings. So they might say that something never happened, or happened differently and that the person is wrong. In this scenario, person B has legitimate feelings and emotions, and person A is trying to make out that B is being ridiculous to feel this way.

You can't pathologise every behaviour, OP. Not everything is the result of a syndrome or condition.

A is behaving this way because they don't want to be made to feel bad for their actions. They therefore behave defensively by making out that B is causing problems in the relationship by raking over old ground or refusing to let things go. That way, the problems the couple face become B's fault for the way B has reacted to A's actions, and somehow A's actions become irrelevant.

It just shows that A is selfish and defensive, hasn't learned anything from the experience, and doesn't want to address their behaviour. All B can realistically do is get the fuck out of that relationship, because there is nothing good for B there.

A is a selfish arsehole who actually has no empathy for B. I don't know why B took them back, but why does A want to be with B when they clearly don't give a flying fig about them?

Sounds like emotional immaturity(which is a broad spectrum andcould overlap with diagnosable disorders but doesn't have to). Probably not helpful to pathologise behaviour too much as PPs have said (or to diagnose over selective examples) but sometimes some information can be helpful to open your eyes and realise the limitations of any relationship with a person displaying such behaviours e.g. If they are unable to self-reflect it will not get better.

I think some people, women in particular, tend to overthink, to be always looking for reasons for behaviour when there are none. My dd was doing it the other day, coming up with elaborate reasons why a girl is bullying her when in reality I suspect this girl is just a horrible little twat. Same with person A. He knows he can behave however he likes because he does so and person B takes him back. Him behaving exactly how he wants has no consequences and he probably doesn't care much anyway because he obviously doesn't love her. Person B needs to stop letting people treat her this way. Person A is a selfish, v arrogant arsehole but don't see any evidence of anything that would be classed as a psychological disorder in the DSM

They did gaslighting on Corrie years ago...li
he was trying to make her feel fat and she started trying to diet so he rigged the scales so she looked like she was heavier than she was. She would put something in one place then he would take it, then deny all knowledge, and suggest that she seemed to be really forgetful and maybe she was not quite right in the head/better not go anywhere without him. It’s used to stop someone trusting their own instincts and judgement. What you described is someone refusing to discuss matters, or show concern for you.

I refer to this as minimising.

I also think that the story from person B perspective would be very different as even from your obviously biased point of view Person A seems needy, whiny and possessive. I've no idea why the two of them are together.

I try to learn to understand my responses to the behaviour of others as I can learn to change that.
For example if my response to A’s behaviour is to feel diminished and that my feelings have been minimised I try and identify that and tell them. I don’t find it useful to focus too much on them ie looking for a label as it takes me down a blaming route and away from understanding myself.

Why does it matter if there is a specific word or ‘condition’?

What difference does that make?

Is the behaviour you describe somehow worse or better for having a specific term?

OP is trying to understand the situation. But from the wrong angle.
If you are B you don’t need to try to understand whyA is like this. You need to understand why B is there trying to understand A’s terrible behaviour rather than protecting herself against it.