To say we have too much of MIL?

[gruffalomom]

I think I probably am being unreasonable given the circumstances, so maybe there is some way I can make this more bearable?!

My DH is an only child and his dad passed away when dc1 was a baby .

since then we have had mil for every special occasion / holiday and for weeks at a time over summer

She lives in another country so it always has to be a stay. she is quite fussy so what we eat and our routine has to change for her visits and she is not particularly respectful of my wishes when it comes to how we raise the children.

We don't speak the same language so are very reliant on my DH for communication (each of us continues to try to master the others language - so good effort on both sides but it's not easy). as a result all of his holidays get taken up on being off work when she is visiting.

I am sympathetic to the fact she is on her own, I just wish that not all our family time had her in it. We have just had a family holiday and it's like some bad joke that she is photobombing us!

Every Christmas, Easter, holiday - it's just too much! Christmas before last she actually took the kids down stairs in the morning before we could - it was the first year my eldest understood santa. I know it wasn't the end of the world but I still carried over it. I just want some family memories just the four us - aibu?

What does your husband say? Surely he can take the odd week with his own family without her. It's not unreasonable to want some special times and memories of just your own family. How would he feel if one of your parents died and the other wanted to spend all holidays and special occasions with you all as well?

What does your DH think? Does MIL have friends or siblings or nieces/newphew?
How old is she? Is she in good health?

How often do you go there, does she come here?
I think I'd sit down with dh and say it's too much. I need x week here at home alone and x week away (book something mil in appropriate) and if necessary go without him. I presume her mil didn't do this unless it's a cultural thing.

Oh wow you have some patience! There is no way I could put up with this. Is your dh an only child? What does he say about this? Yanbu

You need DH inside and to make him realise it’s not on. My mil tried this but luckily DH sees that we have our own life to live without her.

I pressed the wrong button. YANBU. Put your foot down, make some plans that don't involve her and tell your husband it's a done deal. Does she actually want to come over this much?

Yes DH is an only child and mil has no surviving siblings. she is early 60's and very healthy / active but quite good at putting a guilt trip on DH (for example she will complaint that she has to carry lots of shopping up stairs to get to her flat and she has to deal with all of these things without help, but refuses offers of help to move to a ground floor flat / house)

We don't visit there as it's easier (and cheaper) to bring her here whilst the kids are small and need car seats etc but we pay for all of her flights here and her place on our holidays.

By the time xmas, Easter and a summer break is considered that's pretty much it for DH's leave. We do try and get in a family weekend away just the four of us but it's frustrating to have all the special breaks with a +1.

I do feel guilty complaining as she is on her own but it's just such a rubbish situation.

This is too much. You have the patience of a saint! Your mother in law is not a child you have to look after and it's very unfair of your husband to expect you to share so much of your and your children's lives with her. I'd be very tempted to say that he has to go to visit her for a week or whatever instead of her visiting you. I think you've done your bit here, it's time for your husband to make some changes.

DH genuinely doesn't see the issue which drives me a but loopy. He feels sad she is on her own and actually feels frustrated she can't be here more because I put my foot down and said when she is here he needs to be (just too awkward otherwise).

He gets really irritated that I have an issue with the situation and thinks I should be more understanding.

I do try and make her feel welcome. I make sure her room is nice (we have to keep a spare room for her - the 2nd biggest in the house) and cook food she will eat and keep everything clean. But I do draw the line sometimes about spending some time away from them in the evening or while they take the kids somewhere. It's not fun when everything has to be translated all the time

I also think in a way you are preventing MIL making other plans with friends etc as she puts the pressure on you for a free trip.

Tell DH you want to cut the visits. He’s welcome to go there

Thanks everyone for your replies. It makes me feel better to know that I am not being a heartless witch!

How about you say to your DH that you want a family summer holiday without her next year? Reduce her visits to twice a year and DH can go to her for a couple of weekends.

Her taking the DC down on Christmas morning is frankly bang out of order. I would have been furious at that. That was at best inconsiderate, at worst undermining and bitchy.

Don't be a doormat, OP, she's a young grandmother and will probably be around for a lot longer.

I'm 50 and my parents/in-laws are now in their late eighties. This relationship could easily continue for 25-30 years so put your foot down and limit the ti
E with your MIL for your own sanity.

i would have gone apeshit if she had taken my kids down on xmas morning.

You need to say something now OP

as for giving her the 2nd biggest room - no. shes a guest, save her the box room - she might not actually want to stay as long either!

There is no need for her to go on your family holidays. I'd understand you paying for her to come for Christmas but after that surely she can pay her own way or simply not come to your house so much. Your Dh could go to her for a long weekend once/twice a year and have her over for a week at Christmas.

As for routines - stop changing your routine. It's up to her to fit into your routine, not the other way around. I can understand her maybe not eating all the same things as you, but apart from that she needs to do things as ye do. You need to be firmer with Dh as regards your expectations from now on.

YANBU especially about her staying for weeks at a time over the summer.

However, considering all the threads I read on here about sons drifting away from their mothers, it’s lovely to see that your DH still cares and loves his mum. I do think you have infinite more patience than anyone I know though (I’m certain neither DH nor I would put up with anyone from either side of our families visiting so much let alone year after year).

I certainly wouldn't be keeping a good room free for a few weeks a year, get it kiddified.

And cook a few meals for her, but then it's lovely to share your family favourites too. If he's desperate to see her he can go over there.

Too much op. You at least need your summer holidays just you. God you are a saint!

Why don’t you split the holidays with her. Eg take a two week summer holiday, she stays one week and then goes to give you guys family time. Same with everything else. A few days for her, her son and the children to be together, with or without you as you see fit, and a few more days just you, dh and dc. Or hire a villa abroad (in neither her or your countries) for a fortnight and she comes for just a week. Compromise is generally the key. Most families have in-laws on both sides and they just have to share you for the big holidays, eg his side for Christmas and yours for new year.
My parents did too much with my grandparents and resentment built up. It wasn’t good. Do your parents not feel excluded?

Op your dh needs to have a chat with her about Xmas morning and how upset you were.

He need to do it and get through to her.

My parents also join us for christmas, precisely because it wouldn't feel fair otherwise. But it makes it a bit of a nightmare for me as we have a house full as everyone stays.
We have DC's birthday Christmas eve so everyone wants to join that.
I thought we were splitting summer hols this year tbh. DH took 2 weeks and we went away for one, but then he arranged for his mum to come back with us the second week. I think he assumed that would be what we would do and I felt like a s* to complain about it.
It is sweet that he is so considerate of his mum but it's a lot for me
Now I feel better that I'm not being unreasonably selfish I'll try and get these visits cut back. Thanks all!!

I love my MIL but that much time together would make me cry, and then separate. Her feelings come first all of the time, that never leads to a happy marriage. If you don't force some change the resentment will kill your marriage.

Oooh I have so much sympathy for you, I have a similar situation in that mil lives alone and we have fallen into a habit of her coming on our family holiday every year.

I completely resent it and then I'm filled with self loathing because what sort of a person would begrudge an elderly woman something she looks forward to so much. But it does have a huge impact on our family time and I don't really enjoy our holidays anymore.

But at least, in my situation, my husband has another brother and sister who do a lot of visiting. I've no useful advice I'm afraid but I completely get where you're coming from

OP, yes it is sad for MiL, but you need to be firm with your DH - tell him, his mom has made all her memories with him and his dad as a family, and you want to make yours... when the kids are a little older, it won’t be so bad her joining you, but they grow up so fast and the first few years are so special, as a family unit.
The Santa thing would have pissed me right off and I definitely would have had words with her directly - she would’ve understood my expletives if not the content of what I was saying put it that way!