Hello all, would really appreciate some words of wisdom from some wiser people than me! It concerns my DP.
We met a couple of years ago, and I suppose I experienced that feeling that people talk about of ‘just knowing’. Where falling in love usually is accompanied by that scariness, there was just a sort of deep comfort and feeling of being sure and safe and deeply connected. I kind of felt straight away that this was going to be the man I married and settled down with. He’s a great guy. Kind, thoughtful, extremely emotionally intelligent, hard working, likeable, sexually compatible and to my eyes beautiful. Sexually we’re very compatible and he constantly tells me how attractive he finds me. We share the same values. We get on really well with each other’s families. We can talk about anything without embarrassment and have great fun being silly and daft. I know I can rely on him for support about any issue 100% and I would trust him with my life. We’re like family.
Yet within the first few months of being together doubts developed, as I noticed that our conversations never really went anywhere very challenging or stimulating (apologies to sound like a dick, but I mean on an intellectual sort of level). I found that we’d talk about the same stuff multiple times and in essence never felt really stimulated or surprised or challenged by any of our conversations. I felt a bit frustrated at discussions being a bit slow or predictable. I had a bit of a sinking feeling that what I thought was perfect was missing something (for me) really important. I wondered if it was partly a confidence issue on his part that he held back a bit with venturing opinions. I kind of hoped it was and also accepted that you don’t choose people like products of a shelf and they might not tick every box in every way to the fullest extent, but that’s ok. I committed to making the best out of what we had and accepting him for who he is. I’m certainly not perfect.
Fast forward a couple of years and I find myself frustrated and impatient more than seems fair, and I worry that I’m doing us both a disservice by ‘settling’ on this particular aspect of our relationship. I feel sometimes like I’m losing an aspect of myself. Early on we were both enthusiastic about the idea of children but now I’m much more ambivalent - a big reason is because I don’t want to model a relationship where the dynamic is of one person frequently being frustrated or impatient with the other (even if not overtly, it’s easy to pick up on these undercurrents). I also don’t like feeling like an impatient, irritable person, and I don’t want my thoroughly decent DP, who I love and care for, to be on the receiving end of this.
I’ve felt quite isolated since we’ve been together as I was still quite new in the city we live in when we met, and because of a variety of circumstances we lived together pretty much from the beginning. So I feel like it’s hard to get a clear perspective - both because our relationship looms so large in day to day life (and has done since the beginning, so there hasn’t been that opportunity to keep pro-actively opting in along the way and indeed I’ve been quite committed to making it work and enjoying this happiness and security) and also as I don’t really have close friends nearby - I have found that establishing an active, independent social life fell by the wayside a bit when we got together, and this wasn’t something I had already established in the new city. I also don’t want to be disloyal by discussing this aspect of our relationship critically with family or other friends. So it just sort of feels difficult to get perspective and to see the wood for the trees.
I’ve always pushed for us to have more space and time doing our own thing and have expanded the stuff that I do by myself. I’m being more proactive (again) in meeting people and getting involved in stuff by myself. I’m not especially young, don’t have very reliable family and I feel on the one hand that throwing away what we have would be a sad waste of something lovely based on feeling the grass is greener, expecting perfection, etc. I feel like this might only become fully clear if we parted ways and experienced the reality of losing what we have. On the other hand, I want the best for us both and wonder if life is too short to be in a relationship that is frustrating and unfulfilling in such an important way. Neither path fills me with confidence at this point and I feel quite stuck and sad.
AIBU to not have a clue what I should do?