MIL is making my anxiety awful

[Roxy1313]

I know that probably sounds a bit over the top. I suffer really bad with anxiety and like to stick in my routine, I like to know when people are coming to visit my house (even if I just get a text before), I feel really nervous when people just turn up. I don't know why but I am sure other people can relate.

Me and DP are a young couple and have an 18 month old DD. MIL lives 5 minutes away. She was incredibly overbearing and rude when DD was born and didn't give us breathing space and then when DD was a few months old it changed. Usually she sees DD every few weeks, barely asks about her, just doesn't seem to have an interest. She is very jealous of her other grandparents though. DP felt annoyed that she barely bothered with DD so told MIL that my DM sees her more and she lives two hours away.

She's gone from hardly seeing or speaking to us to coming twice a day. Sometimes even three times a day. I can't relax at all. It started off with her "popping in" with small gifts for DD, to coming in her morning break and then after work (even as late as 10pm). If I'm home alone I ignore the door, but she will literally come round the back and look through the windows, the dog goes mad and I have no choice but to answer. I've tried telling her I'm about to go out and then she insists she's only staying for 5 minutes.

If DP is at home he always answers the door. He was off work the other day and she came in the morning whilst he was in bed so we had a drink and she saw DD I thought that would be it. Then she came in the afternoon, then me and DP was having a takeaway late that night and she knocked on the window (??) at 10pm we thought it was food so answered.

I've tried explaining to DP it's getting a bit much, I can't relax she's constantly ringing and texting to see what I'm up to, I feel uncomfortable when she turns up and I'm not dressed or the house is a mess. He just says MIL doesn't care what we look like or the house, but come on, surely it is just rude to turn up EVERYDAY multiple times to someone house regardless of if your family or not?

I'm waking up everyday wondering what time it will be that she comes, and I don't want to have to go out all day from my house just to avoid her. I don't know how to kindly tell her it's getting a bit invasive

Forgot to add when she texts and rings I normally just ignore it, I lied saying I was out once and she asked why my car was outside then 🙄 Please tell me it's not just me who think it's weird

I wouldn’t be saying anything kindly-I would be exploding!

Your DH presumably wants to not upset her. You need to make it quite clear that it’s your house and they need to not be upsetting you!

It's ironic she bitches about a friend who used to turn up to her house everyday and once she started being rude to them (walking round cleaning not offering a drink etc) they got the hint and stopped. I felt like saying that's what you're doing to me though

She's toxic and narcissisticOP. Everything is about her and what she can get, and how her relationships bolster her self-image.

Your DH made a mistake telling her that your DM saw more of your DD. You need to talk to your DH and ask him to put boundaries in place with his DM. Or you could move further away. Much further.

She sounds insecure, so you can try to be kind, but you can't be left anxious in your own home so you'll have to deal with this. Try:
"Hi MIL, let's work out some visiting times for you that work for both of us. How about Tuesday afternoon?"
If she objects that she'll come sooner, say
"I'm sorry, but that isn't convenient, would you prefer Wednesday?".

When you open the door say to her "no not today, we're having some alone time, see you tomorrow"

If she huffs and puffs just say "I'll send you a picture of X"

Shut the door.

Be assertive.

Say no.

You must feel like you have a stalker. Hard to be assertive sometimes though.

You must have the patience of a saint, this would drive me insane! Your DH has caused this by playing mind-games with his mother so really he needs to sort it, but as he clearly isn't going to do anything it's down to you.

Can you train your MIL? So if she 'pops' round in the morning, when she leaves say firmly 'We'll see you tomorrow' and then don't answer the door to her any more that day. If she goes round the back ignore her and let the dog bark.

If that doesn't work tell your DH bluntly to sort it out or you'll have to move. What would happen if you told him you want to move? Maybe don't just tell him, start looking for properties.

Of course you could just put on your big girl pants and tell her that while you love to see her, more than twice a week is over the top and she needs to keep her visits to a reasonable amount.

Honestly I do find it hard to answer and say sorry I'm busy and shut the door. I've tried when shes here to be ignorant tbh... I carry on cleaning or making food and dont offer to make her a drink but shell just say okay I'll watch DD. best thing I can do is ignore the door but with a very protective rottweiler going mad whenever someone knocks it's hard if DD is having a nap or in bed. It sounds crazy now I put it in writing but if I've heard a car pull up outside I've quickly put the dog in the kitchen towards the back of the house so he can't bark as loud but I have to keep my blinds shut so she cant see in.

Whenever I speak to DP it's the same well we are family she doesnt care if then house is a mess or you're not dressed etc it's so frustrating.

I really hope it's another phase and she gets bored of it soon, she didn't care for so long so she cant suddenly do now.

But your DP isn't at home, is he? So he's not bothered. And he doesn't care it's upsetting you.

You'll have to tell her it's not convenient/you're going out/you've got some friends coming/it's too much.

What's the worst that can happen? She'll go off in huff and not bother any more.

Result!

This is my worst nightmare. YANBU.

OP you do not have to put up with this. This is insane. My PIL carried on like this when DC1 was born. It seriously exacerbated my PNA.

I put up with it for way too long because my husband liked it (because his parents were happy and he didn't have to deal with them himself) and it prevented my PIL from sulking and throwing a strop. DH urged me to put up with it to 'keep the peace' but it was not peaceful for me. I got tired and resentful of prioritising other people's comfort over my own again and again.

Why protect her feelings? She doesn't seem to care about yours.

You need boundaries here, she thinks she owns you and your time.

MIL is DH's problem. Tell him this is too much and you've had enough. Decide how often you are willing to put up with her, and then tell DH that's the limit.

Encourage her to come on the weekend so DH has to deal with her each time. See how he likes it when she eats into his peace and quiet.

With MIL- you need to retrain her. Be less available. Text her saying 'today is no good for a visit, I look forward to seeing you at 10am on x day'. And then when your DD is ready to nap, walk MiL to the door and get your DD to wave her off.

There will be push back. She will do something to make this unpleasant for you. Just ride it out.

Oh this would drive me nuts!
Who shoes up at someone's house at 10pm?!
You need to sort your DH out, it's not ok for him to be passive if it's upsetting you.

Could you go stay with your mum for a few days for a break and just not tell MIL to see if that makes her stop just coming around?

Or maybe if you answer her calls and texts saying you are busy then just say nice to see you but sorry I'm busy now like I said earlier, can you come back X that would be better for us when she arrives?

Showing up and deliberately setting the dog off to get your attention knowing it would probably wake sleeping baby is really unacceptable!

I'd be so fucked off with my oh, oh he's the big I am pulling her up on the visits when it bothers him, when he us jealous, but when it's you that has to deal with it he is suddenly lost for words! Fuck that

Sit her down and say "Mary I need to have an awkward conversation with you. I could kill dp because i actually think he made you conscious of the time you spend with dd and made an issue where there was none. We love seeing you but 10pm is just too late. You will have to text first before you vist, I can't stand anyone, not you personally calling unannounced. I'm annoyed at him, you will have a great relationship with dd no matter what, you don't need to call daily and certainly not more than once a day to do that. So I'd really appreciate a happy medium between never seeing dd and now and a text before you call. And I know this sounds like you can't do right without doing wrong and I am sorry about that, I think a happy medium is best for everyone"