to give this advice to my (male) mate

[getchagetchagetchagetcha]

Here for traffic. Want your opinions.

I've got a male friend who's separated from his wife of c 5 yrs. They have twins who are now about 18 mths or so, maybe less.

He and his ex fell out quite badly. I don't really know the details. He moved out before last Xmas. I think he had a bit of access after he left but relations got v bad and that stopped. He gives me the impression that he had to leave things because relations between him and the ex were so bad. (Who really knows.)

Since then, he's not seen them for 8 months.

He told me he's not contacted her to see them as he'd 'get a world of abuse' etc. (I've no sympathy for this and this is what has prompted me to tell him what I think.)

He has not much money right now but is grafting and should get some in the next few months. He's waiting until he gets some money together and then hopes he'll have enought for legal support to get court ordered access. He hopes that when he has this money, he'll have a place of abode other that his parents' house (where he currently lives) which will be suitable to house this access.

He's told me all this and I haven't been able to keep my gob shut. We've actually fallen out about it now and I don't expect I'll see him again much now.

I gave him my opinion that he shouldn't keep waiting around for this money to come in. His kids have spent 8 mths now not seeing him, they're still extremely young. I expect they've forgotten all about him. It's going to be v tricky for them to form a great relationship all of a sudden.

Shouldn't he just try and get some supervised access or something in the meantime so he and the kids keep contact. Does he really need a perfect sum of money to see his kids? This is what I've suggested.

It's fallen on deaf ears. He won't listen and is pissed off at me for suggesting it.

I've got kids. If I was a judge, I wouldn't just pass over a few babies to a dad who hadn't seen them for the best part of half their conscious life. It's be too scary for them, surely? There'd have to be supervised contact or something to ease them all into it. I don't know how it all works.

Anyway, hit me with it. If he's doing the right thing so be it, but it just doesn't sit right with me. Anyone got experience of this kind of thing?

Thanks.

You are incorrect. The solicitors (being professionals unlike you) are correct. He can’t get access without meeting income and housing requirements. Pointing out his kids missing him and how much the relationship will suck is shaming him for something out of his control.
As for those of you shaming him for “walking out” he was probably forced to leave by his ex. In any relationship breakdown, if the mother wants to stay in the house with the kids while the father leaves and the father disagrees and he wants to stay in the house with the kids while the mother leaves- the police will remove the father. Men know this and so if asked to leave will leave without police involvement because they don’t want a police call out to ruin chances of seeing their kids.

The good guy act they play is so convincing for friends & family, but once exposed for awhile you see the excuses for what they are.

He’s blocked you because he only wants people around him who prop up his fake view of himself as a good guy.

Tbf it just sounds to me that the ear full he will get will be regarding him not paying maintenance.

I'm a solicitor, but you don't need to be one to know there's no income requirement for access. That's just complete nonsense. I do not believe for one second that he's been told by multiple solicitors he needs his own house to have any contact at all either. Because that's also not true.

Seriously? You advised him to represent himself in family court and you are calling him a “shit” for not listening to you?? You advises he write letters every week? (That is mental).
You are a complete nosy Parker with no idea how divorces work. No sane person would follow your advice. You need to get over yourself, your “help” is vastly unhelpful.

Angela is wrong. Completely.

The OP hasn't mentioned divorce. It's entirely possible for there to be legal proceedings relating to contact for a separated couple who aren't making any attempt to divorce.

He can’t get access without meeting income and housing requirements
This is completely untrue. I’m sat here having breakfast with my friend who is a family law solicitor and she said they will not and do not deny access requests based on income. Even homeless people have a right to see their children.
She said he could arrange a contact centre but first they need to attend mediation. He needs to apply for this ASAP as there could be a waiting list.

After mediation (or if his ex refuses mediation) he can apply for supervised contact. If he is granted it, it is likely to take place in a contact centre for 1-2 hour sessions every fortnight for a period of 12 weeks. Which if he sticks to will go in his favour with regards to increasing and unsupervised access.

If the ex refuses to hand the children over after he is granted access she can suffer sanctions and also it really won’t look good for her if he pushes ahead for joint custody as it will be considered an act of parental alienation.

The contact centres cost around £150-200 for an hour and the parent asking for access is the one required to pay. If he cannot afford to pay he make an application for assistance via the court.

So in summary, no he doesn’t need to have a lot of money to be granted access to his children.

It sounds like he really isn’t that bothered and likes to spin a yarn to people about his “meany bitch ex” preventing him from seeing his kids, when in reality is he can’t be arsed... as is the case in the majority of absent fathers (not all! But most)

As for those of you shaming him for “walking out” he was probably forced to leave by his ex.

No one has shamed him for walking out- its the lack of contact and unwillingness to try with the children that people don't condone.

If my DH and I broke up I really cannot fathom a scenario where he’d happily go 8 months or longer without seeing our children.

@AngelasAshes please read my comment above. You are incorrect

I agree; I do understand that one parent can make access very difficult but surely you’d do everything in your power to try and see your child. Also people can apply for a court order without a solicitor, it costs just over £200 which I know isn’t a small amount of money but I imagine a lot of people could find that even other a few months if it meant they got to see their children

Contact doesn't necessarily even need to be supervised either. It's very possible that, on making an application to the court, he will be given unsupervised access. Happens all the time.

Again, OP, you have no standing to be declaring ‘the relationship is not abusive’ unless you are him or her. I think all things considered you really do need to take a step back, accept that if you disagree with his actions you won’t be friends with him anymore but stop interfering in their situation.

My ex pays nothing lives in a caravan on a traveler's site with a girl.thats had all her children removed (for good reason) he still sees his kids twice a week she is "away" at the moment so it's in the van when she is back it's at his moms or his nans house he is a shit head and quite frankly a bastard but he sees the kids (probably because she wants her kids back and he is playing father of the year with ours to show social services how good he is but 🤷‍♀️)

@getchagetchagetchagetcha with the greatest respect court can cost in the 10s of thousands. My ex husband has residence of our daughter. He has obstructed my telephone and face to face contact and now I'm down to writing letters once per month. I simply do not have the money to go back to court to enforce the contact that was in the child arrangement order. Plus what's to stop him doing the same straight after I spend thousands on taking it back there?

Also don't underestimate the stress that this situation causes. It caused me serious health issues, which will have long term effects. Your friend might be hiding it well, but I bet he is feeling very depressed right now.

@HorridHenrysNits it would be highly unlikely in this situation due to the age of the children and the length of absence. The children will have no memory of any relationship with him and it’s likely to cause them distress to suddenly be placed with a stranger.

AngelasAshes everything you’ve said is incorrect. I work in this area and unless he’s wanting the children to live with him there’s no income or housing requirement.
Also the police won’t remove a man from a property he owns or is on the tenancy for unless there’s a risk of harm to anyone in the home and then it will only be for a night. If the man doesn’t agree then they can only arrest him to take him away if there’s good reason. This is why non molestation orders and restraining orders among others exist and why bail conditions are put on with domestic abuse.
We don’t live in a country where men can randomly be removed from their homes just on the partners request to the police.

Also those saying apply direct to the court. It's not always easy to represent yourself. This is a very emotive and emotional issue, and you have to try and be dispassionate. That is not easy when you are already stressed and feeling hurt and betrayed.

I've known cases with similar facts where it didn't go straight to supervised. Even if it does there's the option of it being supervised outside a contact centre too.

If he's really that skint, surely he can get free legal help anyway.

No, legal aid isn't available for family law cases unless there is domestic violence.

He says he's seen solicitors who have advised him that he needs to have a house of his own before he should seek access.

There is no way any solicitor who knows what they're saying would advise that. Either he's gone to a twat solicitor, or he didn't listen to what they were saying - or he's lying about what they said. If he genuinely wants to see his children he needs to go to another specialist family law solicitor. If he can't afford that, he could try Law Centres.