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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put myself first...

25 replies

pilchy · 09/08/2019 18:09

So me and DP have been together 2 years, engaged and currently have a 6 week old DD. From the beginning DP hasn't been very romantic or very 'lovey dovey' which I just thought that was how he was. However when I moved in a few months later I found love letters, items, teddies etc that were too/from his ex partners. I got a little upset as he hadn't done anything even similar towards me. He kind of just shrugged it off and said he will try.
Anyway, we have both been happy and haven't really had any problems in the relationship. Baby was planned and everything has been good.
However through pregnancy and a CSection he wasn't considerate of me at all. I was still expected to have his dinner on the table when he got in from work, clean and tidy etc.
I pulled him up on it the other day after a little tiff. After a long conversation he finally admitted he doesn't actually love me and that he loved his ex more than he loved me.
Obviously I am heart broken and am left confused with a 6 week old baby and my family living 200 miles away.
He said he doesn't want to break up and he feels he just doesn't know how to love. But he wants me to stay so he can prove to us both that he can love.
Aibu But surely after 2 years you shouldn't have to prove this to yourself? Really stuck on what to do!
Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
PolkaDotted · 09/08/2019 18:11

I'd be off. You deserve better and this relationship is going nowhere.

tiredybear · 09/08/2019 18:13

I am so sorry he has put you in this terrible, vulnerable situation. I think you know what to do. Both you and your child deserve far far better than this. You deserve to be loved. Don't settle for anything less.

tobedtoMNandfart · 09/08/2019 18:47

Well what a fucking prince among men.
And he'd be wearing that beautifully timed dinner Angry

fromnowhere · 09/08/2019 18:51

Please leave, you don't want to be with someone who has to try to 'learn to love' you? That sounds like some semantic bullshit anyway.
You can do better. Also wtf are you doing all the cooking and cleaning with a 6 wk old?!

23chilton · 09/08/2019 19:05

Sounds like he fell into depression after the break-up from his previous girlfriend and had not sorted out his issues yet.

Maybe if you both try counselling for the sake of your child first before you decide what to do?

At least he's not cheating on you and if he is a good man most of the time maybe he just needs to get his head straight.

Duchessgummybuns · 09/08/2019 19:10

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly biding his time with you? Bin.

littlepaddypaws · 09/08/2019 19:10

i wouldn't stay with this guy, he's hanging onto personal things from a previous relationship, doesn't love you, doesn't know how to Hmm. sounds more like he still holds a torch for her and not really over her.
you deserve so much better than this person.

SayNoToCarrots · 09/08/2019 19:11

"I was still expected to have his dinner on the table when he got in from work"

I would never expect this of my husband if he were not working, nor he me. It's lovely to have, but to 'expect' dinner on the table sounds like he thinks you work for him.

popsadaisy · 09/08/2019 19:14

YANBU you deserve better and it doesn't sound like he gives you much support anyway. I think you would be a lot happier on your own in the long run. Difficult to leave I know but like I said you deserve better and will get better one day. Good luck x

Whatsername7 · 09/08/2019 19:25

Put yourself first. You deserve so much bettee.

Whatsername7 · 09/08/2019 19:26

Better

Neverender · 09/08/2019 19:27

Bye then! Sorry, but why should you spend you're life with anyone who has admitted you're not that loved? Out of order and you have to put your foot down

Neverender · 09/08/2019 19:28

He is one of those men who want what they can't have. So, be someone he can't have. At a distance.

NaviSprite · 09/08/2019 19:32

After two years and a planned baby (congratulations by the way even though things are so rough with your Partner) you’d think he’d have moved on to some extent!

I’d be having a serious conversation with him which would include the following points:

  1. If EXGF were to get back in touch and want to rekindle their relationship - what would he do - honestly?

  2. Does he still feel he loves her (in this moment not how he did in the past) more than you?

  3. Was she his first serious/long term relationship? This can put a lustre on a relationship as everything was new and exciting.

  4. when planning for your lovely DD did he understand what a commitment that is?

  5. finally and most importantly, tell him to look at your DD and think about how he would feel if a man were to do this to her one day. What feelings does that conjure within him?

I left a relationship many years ago that left me emotionally broken, I put walls up, a lot of them. My love for that person was intense and naive and I have never felt that way since. But I know that was more chemical if that makes sense? I couldn’t have had a family or spend the rest of my life with that person. When I met my DH I never had the same pangs of heart/butterflies in stomach that comes with young hormonal love (lust?), but if you were to ask me do I love my DH more than my Ex, absolutely 100%. He and I have a love based on real life experiences, hardships and good times and he’s stuck with me (and I with him) through all of that. Is it the same kind of love? No. It’s better because it’s real, has been tested and gets stronger. Hopefully that will be the outcome for you and your partner Flowers

Jupiters · 09/08/2019 19:32

Can you go and stay with your family, for support?
If I was in this situation I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone who treated me like this. He's strung you along for 2 years and you've got a child together. Think about what's best for you and your child.

RezCowgirl · 09/08/2019 19:38

Leave. You deserve better.

PolkaDotted · 09/08/2019 19:40

At least he's not cheating on you

Talk about low standards!

mommybear1 · 09/08/2019 19:50

I'm so sorry to read this OP no doubt a newborn in the mix is making things even harder however he has told you the stark truth - time for you to look after yourself and your baby. Move closer to home so you have a support network and LTB - you are worth far far more. If you were my daughter I'd be up to collect you in a flash - you have one life be happy, be loved and don't settle for this situation.

catmg · 09/08/2019 20:00

So sorry to hear you are in this awful situation! At what should be one of the happiest times in life, your OH has really dumped on you from a great height. What a selfish person he must be.
Like someone else said, can you move closer to be nearer family, or even call them to ask for them to come to you for a while? I really think you need to leave him; not sure how you even start to forgive a hurt like the one he has caused you.

23chilton · 10/08/2019 05:53

Talk about low standards

@PolkaDotted - you have your opinion and I have mine. Looking for the positives in a bad situation is not low standards.

I am thinking about the daughter in this situation too that everyone seems to be silent on. It's clear the OP is still on maternity leave and her income will possibly be affected. So what is low standards about asking to seek counselling and look at the positives before moving on? Judge much., SMH

AlwaysCheddar · 10/08/2019 06:47

Leave him. His feelings won’t change. Move on.

Original poster
pilchy · 10/08/2019 21:07

Thank you everyone!
I guess just sometimes you know that answer but just need to hear it from someone else! I just don't want to do anything that is going to hurt my daughter in the long wrong. It's a hard decision that no parent should have to make 😞

OP posts:
Cocobean30 · 10/08/2019 21:14

Why the hell did he get your pregnant then! op I understand your heartbreak but it should turn to anger. What a fucking waste of space he is. You HAVE to leave him!!!!!

Cherrysoup · 10/08/2019 21:20

Honestly,staying with someone who doesn't love you will hurt your dd more long term and will give her a terrible example of how a relationship works. Go back to your family who love you.

caballerino · 10/08/2019 21:22

You hurting over the long term by staying in this toxic mess will hurt your daughter far, far more than doing the right thing by yourself so she grows up with a mum who's happy and not being disrespected and hurt each day by her partner.

You deserve better. I'm sorry this has happened to you but you will get through it Flowers

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