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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This would never work?

26 replies

UnderThePuddles · 09/08/2019 16:22

I won’t say which person is which to hopefully get objective opinions. But 2 people in a relationship, I’m one.

Both had talked about being exclusive, not talking to other people. Person 1 still had a dating profile on an app but was only looking for friends, had made it clear they were in a relationship. Person 2 found out through a friend about the profile and made a fake profile to check if any cheating was going on, didn’t think they’d be told the truth by asking outright. Person 1 found out it was person 2 with the fake profile and ended it because of mistrust.

Person 1 has now apologised and wants to give the relationship another try. Person 2 thinks it won’t work because there is no trust either side. In the first place from lying about talking to other women and in the second place because of the spying with fake profiles.

This would never end well would it? I feel it’s better to move on and be with other people to start fresh but I keep being asked about giving things another try and that it’d be better this time round now everything is out in the open.

OP posts:
SexFarmWoman · 09/08/2019 16:25

Err you have told us which person you are.

Anyway yes I agree, both not very trustworthy, in this relationship, move on.

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 16:27

He still had a dating app running while you were exclusively dating and claimed he was using it to find friends Hmm. Highly unlikely and I can totally see why you set the fake account up. He sounds like a bellend in all honesty, best to stay away.

ImperfectTents · 09/08/2019 16:28

Who keeps a dating profile for 'friends'? Dump them

Nesssie · 09/08/2019 16:30

No one has a dating profile to find friends. That's a blinder Grin

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/08/2019 16:30

Whoever Person 1 is, they're an arsehole. Mind games like this don't belong in a relationship at all, let alone at the beginning when you're trying to build something lovely.

Person 1 either has trust issues or ego issues. Neither of those are going to be solved by anyone else, so Person 2 needs to cut their losses and leave Person 1 to their fake profile fun.

TheRealShatParp · 09/08/2019 16:33

Person one is in the wrong.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 16:36

Nobody has a profile on a dating app 'just to make friends'. Nobody.

NameChange84 · 09/08/2019 16:37

Is the app Bumble?

It’s just today been mentioned on MN as a good way of making friends as an adult. Not just for dating. Apparently you can set it to search for friends.

caballerino · 09/08/2019 16:39

Haven't you posted about this before?

Why are you even still in contact with him to have to deal with his pleading?

If you took him back it would just set the bar very, very low and you'd end up dealing with even shittier behaviour from him because he'd know you would put up with it.

Jemima232 · 09/08/2019 16:40

You lost me at Person 1.

TowelNumber42 · 09/08/2019 16:43

You know the answer. You two do not belong together.

timshelthechoice · 09/08/2019 16:43

Oh, please, a dating profile 'just to make friends'? Who is dumb enough to fall for this? FFS. Move on! Of course 'Person 1' is apologising and wants to try again, he/she wants to keep options open. Get some self-respect and move on.

AllSweetnessAndLight · 09/08/2019 16:46

Yanbu. It wouldn't work for me. Are they looking for friends or friends with benefits? Hmm I don't know of anyone who finds platonic friends this way. I also think that the person 1 is trying to manipulate person 2 and make themself look blameless in the breakup. I reckon person 1 is a player and person 2 is well rid.

HarrietSchulenberg · 09/08/2019 16:49

Both are as bad as each other, what with one lying and the other spying. Both of you need to find someone else.

Original poster
UnderThePuddles · 09/08/2019 17:22

Thanks everyone.

@caballerino yes I have posted about this before. I had blocked his number and deleted him off Facebook but didn’t realise he could still message me on there after we weren’t friends so I’ve had some messages saying he missed me and wants to get back with me and I don’t know what to think anymore.

I’m person 2. I feel ashamed that I resorted to spying but I didn’t think he'd tell me the truth if I asked him and wasn’t sure if he’d just say he wanted to make friends but then be sending more explicit messages in private. I feel embarrassed at being caught too so I don’t know if I could even face him but he keeps wearing me down.

@FudgeBrownie2019 did you mean I was the arsehole for making a fake profile or he was for having a dating profile in the first place? I think you mixed up which person was which at the end saying person 1 had the fake profile. I know I was wrong to set up a fake to try and catch him out but if we’d spoken and he’d already lied about not talking to anyone else I figured there wasn’t anything to stop him lying to me again.

OP posts:
AllSweetnessAndLight · 09/08/2019 18:14

Cut your losses. You deserve better.

SparklyMagpie · 09/08/2019 22:24

You deserve better

Cut him off

Alloftit · 10/08/2019 06:59

To make friends? 😂 yea okay then. Better off out of that

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 10/08/2019 07:10

The fact is in the early days it should be easy and fun if you are already at the stage where you are worried about being lied to and setting up fake profiles to check up on him it is already doomed.
He is bombarding you with messages to wrong foot you and wear you down and it’s working. So he misses you? He’s not even giving you the chance to discover if you miss him because he’s ever present.

Seriously you did the right thing blocking him and moving on. Now block him on messenger as well and move on and find something that gives you the fun honeymoon period you should have in the early days not someone who has one eye on you and the other looking out for something better.

Nautiloid · 10/08/2019 07:18

You did the right thing. At the most basic level, no one keeps a dating profile up just to meet friends.

Original poster
UnderThePuddles · 10/08/2019 10:52

Thanks everyone I will block and start trying to move on from this.

He was making me doubt how I was feeling about it because he technically hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’ and was making me feel like I was unreasonable and stopping him speaking to other women. I don’t have a problem with him talking to other women, if they are friends or meet through work etc, but talking to women on a dating app even as friends seems wrong to me. I’m glad other people feel the same and I don’t feel like I was being unreasonable because of that.

OP posts:
Watchingthyme · 10/08/2019 10:57

It shouldn’t be this hard. If you ever find yourself thinking that, then it’s never going to work.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/08/2019 10:59

The people who have dating apps to ‘make friends’ are the same people who want to watch Stranger Things when they say they enjoy ‘Netflix and chill’.

TowelNumber42 · 10/08/2019 11:30

Cheaters are brilliant at making you feel like you are unreasonable to stop them having their cake and eating it.

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