To worry about the lack of intimacy in my marriage

[YouDoYou18]

Me and my husband have been together for five years and married for two. We have a toddler and are expecting our second soon.

I’ve recently realised that we don’t have much intimacy in our marriage, we never hold hands or kiss (outside or saying goodbye or DTD) and we never spend any quality time together. Even after DS has gone to bed we will sit at other ends of the sofa, watch tv and the go to bed and straight to sleep.

I’m happy in my marriage, love my husband a lot but am just worried that we’re growing apart or falling into a rut! How would you approach this, would you even approach this in the first place?

It probably is a bit of a rut but it's not that unusual when you have a young family. I have a similar set up with my dh but we do make the effort to go out for birthdays, anniversaries etc... We also try and have a couple of nights a week where the TV is off for a couple of hours and we chat or sit at the table just us and have dinner. I think as long as you're communicating and happy, a few years where things slow down a bit isn't anything to worry about. When you have kids you tend to be more tired and it's harder to arrange childcare for date nights away from the house etc... I think trying to keep affection going is important even if it's little things like holding hands watching TV or having a cuddle in the kitchen. Given that you say you're not unhappy, I wouldn't necessarily say anything, i’d just start by stepping up those little bits of affection and see if that makes a difference. Usually a partner will mirror your behaviour so you might find that it just ups the intimacy levels enough for you to feel more connected.

Do you get a chance to get out, just the two of you? For a meal or even just a couple of drinks? I find this makes a big difference.

Did you used to be affectionate in the past? (before DC). I think I would ask your DH if he misses being affectionate, e.g. kiss when leaving in the morning etc. and tell him you miss it. What would you like e.g. a kiss every morning and before sleep (or more )a nd then build it up form there. If he is agreeable you could mke a plan to just increase gestures each week. I think more affectionate gestures will beget more. You have probably fallen out of the habit of it all.

However, if your DH is happy and is glad "that all that kissing and holding hand stuff is over" then you might have to consider how that would make you feel longer term.