To ask if jealousy can be a positive emotion?

[Scratch22]

Just wondered if anyone wants to admit to having felt very jealous of someone and whether it was a bad thing or a force for bettering yourself? I'm feeling that way about someone at the moment and I'm wondering if I need to stop beating myself up about it and use it to change the things I don't like about myself. It all feels a bit daunting though. Would love to hear some honest views on this without anyone getting flamed. Thanks!

Jealousy is rooted in insecurity, and that's never a positive emotion. Instead of being jealous, try to have admiration for this person. Use this admiration to inspire within yourself the desire to improve aspects of your life you're not satisfied with.

I've been wondering this as a method of teaching with my 4yo. Everyone seems to hate being called jealous but everyone gets jealous at some point. My 4yo is very articulate and since 2yo has been very good at conveying her feelings. She'll happily come and tell me when shes feeling jealous of her baby sister, we don't treat it as a bad thing, I say it's okay to be jealous and ask what I can do to help her feel better and less jealous.
Recently when out she was playing with her 5yo friend, She did something and asked friend what she thought, friend replied "you look stupid" dd was upset and taken aback but responded with a really nice "hey "friend" there's no need to feel jealous, you can have a go to", she was right her friend was jealous (totally normal for a 5yo) but her mum shot back with "don't call her jealous, shes not jealous, that's not a nice thing to say" and was super defensive. It was very clear that 5yo was jealous but her defensiveness made it far worse than it is. Sorry I'm rambling on about kids bit this was on my mind last week. As far as I'm concerned everyone gets jealous from time to time and that's okay, it how people react/deal with it where it becomes more negative. And I think you're right op people should try and use it in a positive way but generally in adults it just makes people more negative

That's a really positive attitude. I think if we're going to children how to deal with their feelings, they need to recognise what they feel and not think it's wrong.

I view jealousy as a normal emotion as long as it doesn't get out of hand and become destructive.

I disagree that it’s a positive thing, comparison is the thief of joy and all that. But if you have the self awareness to acknowledge your jealously and try to evolve beyond it, then that is positive.

@sparklesocks amen to that!

I don't see how insecurity could be a positive thing?

A bit of envy can be a positive driver on the rare occasions it comes alone, so no anger or bitterness or spite with it.

It's the same as any emotion. It's real and natural. If you can recognise it for what it is acknowledge that and use it as a way of making changes in your own life, then that is the best way to deal with it.

I wouldn’t say it’s a positive thing but it’s completely normal and I’d argue that every human feels it at some point in their life. You can be the most secure person in the world and still feel a prang of jealousy at some point, it’s just a perfectly normal human emotion.

I think it’s negative to berate yourself for simply being human.

I was envious of someone at work that they were able to do certain things that I couldn't. Instead of just getting annoyed it pushed me to learn these new skills.

I suspect that everyone experiences jealousy to some degree. I don’t think it can be a positive emotion in itself, but if you confront it and try to work your way through it, that can eventually be quite strengthening.

When I was 17 I had a massive crush on a guy at work. I met his girlfriend at a work party, she was a lovely person but I was beside myself with jealousy, I wanted him so much for myself. It wore off when I met my now DH and I've never felt like that again thankfully, it was horrible.

I have consistent jealous feelings.

In 3.5 years I've been pregnant three times and lost all three babies. I'd do anything to get through a pregnancy and hold my beautiful baby but it just isn't happening.
Pregnant women hurt me like hell and there is no escape. I've removed myself from FB and Instagram as I can't cope with all the happy announcements. I hide threads on MN constantly, and I wish I could hide pregnancy in real life too but I can't. So I end up being insanely jealous and confused all the time.
It's a horribly impossible daily battle.

I know that once I finally get pregnant (I have PCOS so not only do my babies die, but I struggle to ovulate too) and my baby survives pregnancy I will be fine, so I just continue to battle it until that happens.

I don't think it's healthy but there's nothing I can do to control my feelings apart from averting my eyes or turning my back. But by that point I've seen it and the hurt has already started.

I try to remember that life is utterly shit for everyone in some way or another. Even those damn lucky pregnant women.

I don't really get jealous. Maybe in relationships a little bit but I've not had a relationship for a while so I don't know.
But friends or people I know well I don't get jealous of what they have or the lives they lead.
Even though I'm poor and most have more than me in a material sense. I just don't place value on money or status anymore.
I think a massive part of avoiding jealousy is practicing gratitude and affirmations everyday.
So I'm thankful for what I do have, know I've worked hard for it, and even though I have issues and could improve myself, I'm a good decent person. Takes the temptation to compare with others away.
I think it can be used as a positive emotion so long as you don't use it to control or upset other people.

I think ppl are confusing jealously with envy, which often happens.

Wanting what another person has (like having a baby) is envy.

Jealousy is more when you feel threatened ... insecure...lack trust and feel scared.

I get what you mean, but I'm not sure if jealousy would be the exact right term.

I feel very envious when friends tell me that their parents have given them money towards house deposits or weddings. My parents could never afford to do that. It makes me feel a bit shit, but then it does also encourage me to work harder so that I can provide those things for myself.

I think the difference is jealousy is rooted in fear and anxiety that you are not good enough or that something is/can/will be taken from you while envy is more positive in that it makes you want more and try to achieve more.
I think jealousy in itself is negative but recognising it and working on it is positive.

I thought jealousy was fear of losing something valuable to you to someone else, borne of feeling threatened, whereas envy was wanting what someone else has but you don’t?

But PP seem to be equating the two. I’d say being upset by pregnant women and newborns while dealing with infertility is envy rather than jealousy as what are you afraid of losing? Mixed with grief and fear of course. But not jealousy. Whereas fear your partner’s new hot workmate is going to entice them away from you would contribute to feeling jealousy at their interactions.

As for jealousy, like all emotions it has its functionality. It can serve as a bit of a canary in a mine that something is amiss, someone is subtly detaching from you or getting inappropriately close to someone else. Obviously it’s not always rational or reasonable but I think almost everyone feels jealousy at certain times or would do in the right scenario. It’s perfectly normal to feel immediately jealous if you bump into your partner in town with an attractive friend of their preferred gender you’ve never met sat on a coffee date even though it might be perfectly above board and they forgot to mention it or ran into someone unexpectedly and had a spare half hour to catch up. But the pang of jealousy isn’t abnormal and is your emotions warning you to be on alert and investigate further.

I think a lot of people like to see jealousy as deeply uncool and something only deeply insecure people deal with as they feel it makes them seem very secure and coolly self confident. But in reality everyone feels it under the right circumstances. It’s only a problem if you start feeling it too much in inappropriate situations or its all consuming or you act really shittily as a result of those feelings. A bit of jealousy if you feel like your partner is focusing more on spending time with their female friend than you (for example, wouldn’t bother everyone but everyone will have their triggers) is normal and a sign to be wary or more alert to possibly boundaries being crossed.

Emotions are pretty much cues to act and generally have a purpose but you choose how and whether to act on them.

I think the combined feelings with infertility and babyloss are both jealousy and envy.
If you're saying jealousy is more about feeling threatened and anxious that you're not good enough and something will be taken away then infertility and babyloss absolutely includes those feelings. I feel threatened by my own body and not good enough to produce a living baby, and anxious that ovulation is being taken away from me by my body. Then threatened when I do get pregnant by my body as I'm terrified my baby will be taken away from me.

So, personally, I have both jealousy and envy and both are destroying me.
Hopefully not for too much longer if we ever get luck on our side.

Everybody feels jealous sometimes, I don’t think it’s an insecurity thing really, there are always going to be people worse off than you and always people better off but a twinge now and then is just human.

That makes total sense Frazzle. I guess when I was writing my own post I wasn’t thinking of people who were also dealing with losses on top if infertility, it also makes sense you’d feel jealousy at others having children if you’re struggling with the idea of losing that dream for yourself. You can grieve for a future you’re worried you’ll never have for sure.

I really truly hope you find a way to have your baby. I often think infertility must be one of the cruelest most difficult, painful experiences to go through. I know when I was desperate to have a family but unable to due to circumstance (Ex led me on for a long time about wanting kids before finally leaving me when I said it was now or never, felt time was running out due to endo, had to start over) it was agonising every time someone else announced a pregnancy and I’d seethe with anger when I saw a pregnant lady, be in tears in the bathroom after learning a friend was pregnant and being over the top happy and excited for her, it was awful, and I’m sure when you’re actively trying and biologically it’s not happening it’s a hundred times more frightening and upsetting that what I felt doesn’t compare. So sorry for the loss of your babies.