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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm being punished for moving house and putting DC first?

53 replies

Namechange92810 · 09/08/2019 13:15

Sorry this is long.

11 years ago my grandmother died, her house was owned by her and my DF and her wishes were that her house would be left to me and my brother. Brother had no interest in the house at all so I moved in there with my now DH. House was signed over to me and DF decided on a set amount which I gave brother for his share of the house. Said that we had drawn a line under it, it was ours to do with what we liked. It was a shell of house worth very little in a poor area and we spent a lot of money on completely renovating it to make it habitable.

Now we have 2 DC and need more space. Concerned about going to school in rough area with terrible air quality (kids have allergies). Spoke with DF and he was supportive. Now we've had the house valued and suddenly he's said it's 'unfair' that were 'making money' out of the property (we're just moving to a nicer area for the sake of our kids FFS).

He said that when he dies now his property (which in his will was going to my brother on the previous 'understanding' it would be split 50/50) would now be split so that my brother would get the majority as half of any "profit" made between the price we'd agreed years ago and the amount we sell it for would be deducted from my inheritance.

He doesn't care that we haven't actually made any money because we've spent so much on it. Doesn't care that we have made a home here for 11 years but have genuinely outgrown it.

He doesn't care that by the time this happens my kids will be growing up/potentially going to uni/looking for their own houses and could use the help (brother doesn't have kids). Doesn't care that he's effectively gone back on his word saying that the house was ours because years later he is punishing us for wanting to move.

Brother has had the money for years and decided to stay living at home with DM. My view is he could have put it towards a house/bought a cheap house like ours and gone to the trouble of doing it up, etc. and chosen not to. It's not my fault so why am I and my children being punished?

Just to say I know I'm lucky to have any kind of inheritance. But its the principle of this. And it hurts that DF is seemingly punishing us (including my kids) for wanting to do what's best for DC. Particularly when he's always said he supports us moving.

OP posts:
Bunglefromrainbow · 09/08/2019 15:12

With respect OP, your DF sounds like he may lack a little bit of financial intelligence, possibly some emotional intelligence too.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but personally I would just let it slide. I'd make my case in a clear and concise way but make clear that I know that it is his decision what to do with his estate and that you respect his wishes.

I know where you are coming from as I've had similar with my DF, I will not be in his will as I have done well for myself. His money would still make a big difference to my life but to be honest I never expected it and wouldn't hold his decision against him even though if I really thought about it, I'd say that I didn't agree with it.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 15:13

Is the house legally in your name? You are registered on the title deeds?

Original poster
Namechange92810 · 09/08/2019 15:15

thanks everyone for the replies.

Just to clarify it was signed over to me so is 100% in my name.

@ChicCroissant
I do wonder if you'd sold the house at the time and split the proceeds evenly whether this situation would have arisen?

Yes, looking back that would have been more straightforward. It was a difficult time though and it was seemed easier for everyone to keep the house in the family.

@Beesandcheese
good advice, thank you.

@IAskTooManyQuestions

I suppose you could produce a list of costs for refurbing to make a point

good idea, I don't think he will listen though. He doesn't care.

@onalongsabbatical

may be he's been unable to be an adult and find an adult relationship - should he be punished for this OP?

I'm not asking for him to be punished. I'm asking for DF not to go back on his word and for basic fairness.

Your comment cuts to the point of the backstory (if there is one). There is nothing 'wrong' with my brother. He is perfectly capable but he has a terrible attitude and is lazy. He's never been self motivated and acts like the world owes him something. Family encourage this attitude in him. He has never done anything for himself or made good decisions. Years ago to try and get him out from under DM's feet, I went to lots of trouble to support him in working in the organisation I have built my career. He would never have got through even the first stage without my support (not to mention even heard of the vacancy). As a result he has had a steady, decent job for a number of years and he is still living at home. He is in a long term relationship. Why should my kids lose out financially because of his laziness?

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 09/08/2019 15:17

Your Dad might outlive you all, or or by the time you inherit, all his assets spent on his care in later life. Or he might in time just change his mind again. In any case you are not being disinherited entirely.

Do not fall out over this.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/08/2019 15:18

It seems as though your DF is having an emotional reaction to the situation as you're right that what he's saying about it being "unfair" to your DB doesn't really make sense.
I wonder, if this was your GM's house does that mean it's the house that your DF grew up in? Or is it in the area he grew up in? If so could it be that hearing you say that you want to move somewhere "better", not wanting the kids to go to the local "rough" school etc has made him feel a bit hurt? Not that this should stop you! You're doing the right thing putting the DC first and I'd definitely do the same in your position.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 09/08/2019 15:20

Why should my kids lose out financially because of his laziness?
They are not. Your DF might have made the same decision in many other sets of circumstances. He might yet leave it all to a home for abandoned cats.

PlutocratCow · 09/08/2019 15:26

You have zero control of your dad's will

He could remarry. Leave it to the cat home. Be fleeced. Need care (likely). Etc etc

It sounds like he's having an emotional, immature reaction now rather than thinking logically 10 years ago

Tonnerre · 09/08/2019 15:31

I'd suggest producing a full list of all that you have spent on the house, including all repairs, refurbishments and redecorations; and contrasting that with a calculation of what your brother has saved in terms of rent, community charge, water rates, utility bills, food, laundry etc over the years. Add in the interest he will or could have made on his share of the value of the house. If you can, include in the list details of how much the house would be worth now if it had been left in its original condition and how much of the increase in value is down to what you have done on the house.

beachysandy81 · 09/08/2019 15:32

It's not fair, but I think it is probably because he doesn't want your brother to be forced out of his home if he dies, as it sounds like your brother wouldn't be able to buy you out.

HennyPennyHorror · 09/08/2019 15:35

I think your Father is doing the right thing. The wrong thing was done when you got the house all those years ago.

elaeocarpus · 09/08/2019 15:35

If you 100% own the house then how can your father 'give' any of it to your DB in a will? Im totally confused

Does DF have another/second house that he owns himself that he is talking about how it will be split in his will to make amends to DB for your uplift on this house?

Are you selling on the open market or selling back to DF in a private sale?

Summerwellunderway · 09/08/2019 15:39

Sounds like Golden Boy can be their carer when they need one then imo. Do what's best for your dc and leave them to it.
Miserable bloody pair!

Original poster
Namechange92810 · 09/08/2019 15:44

@Summerwellunderway

That's the thing though, DF doesn't have a good relationship with brother at all, hardly ever see each other (It's the rest of the Family who indulge my brother). We see DF every week. We make an effort with busy schedules to make time for him to see DC. This is also why it feels like a kick in the teeth. If anything the expectation will be on me to do any caring responsibilities...

OP posts:
lovelookslikethis · 09/08/2019 15:49

Print off a list of every penny you have invested into the house, and ask him to take into account the sheer amount of money it has eaten up. If he decides not to take this into consideration then leave it, you can not change his mind, and shouldn't attempt to.

I would imagine they are upset about you moving possibly? Trying to bribe you with inheritance to stay?

Don't stay because you are being forced/coerced to. Move, and let your parents decide what they want to with their money. Don't speak to them about it again, and don't empower your df. If he raises the subject simply say it is a matter for him and change the subject.

You can not control what your parents decide to do. I would live your life, make your own money and try to be entirely independent. You have had a good start with your house, be grateful for the help you have already been given, and let them sort out their own affairs.

Hopefully in time they will see that by giving you and db separate amounts it could cause significant bad feeling between you for years. So I would not discuss it again, sell up and move somewhere much better for your dc.

lyralalala · 09/08/2019 15:50

You'll never convince him that it's fair.

I'm in the exact same situation. I inherited my grandparents flat as it was decided to leave it to me as my Nana wrote her will when I was 12 (I lived there). My siblings plus my Aunt and uncle were given cash to the value of their share at that time. The all used it in their properties and by the time my Nana died the flat was around 25k more than what the original valuation was. I gave up my share of anything else, but still was better off by a couple of k. I offered to square them all up and they all said no it was only 1k. This was 10+ years ago.

I kept the flat and 2 years ago started getting dogs abuse from a couple of them as the value of it has gone up massively because of changes in the area. Even though their houses, which they used their share to buy, have also gone up similarly apparently it's still unfair.

lyralalala · 09/08/2019 15:51

I hope it doesn't cause the same issues with you as it has for me, but if they've fixated on it then they'll never see it accurately.

They wouldn't be expecting your brother to chip in if the house had gone down in value!!

BlackCatSleeping · 09/08/2019 15:53

How far away are you moving? Will you still see him as much? He could be punishing you for moving away.

lovelookslikethis · 09/08/2019 15:53

PS your kids aren't missing out on something that doesn't belong to them, op. Be careful not to become entitled. This is their money, not yours, and definitely not your children's. They can leave it all to the cats home if they wish.

Move away from financially dependency, and then the rest of the problems will fall away. Your db sounds like he has a pretty sad life actually. Focus on your own life, and be glad for the help you have had.

Original poster
Namechange92810 · 09/08/2019 16:13

@BlackCatSleeping

We are moving about half an hour's drive away so not too far (but a lot further than we are now.) He drives so will be able to come and visit. I think he still has an emotional connection to the house (despite all he has said about this in the past) and so yes, is punishing us for selling it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange92810 · 09/08/2019 16:19

@lovelookslikethis

Of course you're right, it's his money to do with what he likes. It's just he has said all along we will get 50/50 of his place and I think it's unfair if brother now gets a lot more given he makes zero effort with DF. And the weird decision making process that has led to this. I need to follow everyone's advice and move past this and stop caring what he does in his will. I'm not sure how to move past the anger though

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/08/2019 16:21

What happened to your fathers share of the house? How exactly was this all signed over to you. For ease was the house worth 100 000, 50 000 of which was you grandmothers and 50 000 of your fathers. Your grandmother left her share to you and your brother and you gave him half of that share 25 000. Or did your father sign it over to you and you gave your DB 50 000? If you only gave him essentially a 1/4 of what it was worth then I can see why your DF is giving him more of the next one.

crosstalk · 09/08/2019 16:28

Is your current home actually registered in your name? signed over is not the same.

Original poster
Namechange92810 · 09/08/2019 16:32

The house was signed over to me in its entirety and I gave my brother 50% of the value of the house as it was then (it is worth more now)

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 09/08/2019 16:32

He can do what he wants. But remember that when he is old and frail you can suggest that he goes into a home. This way the house value is eaten up by the care home fees. There will be nothing left to share!

TheNanny23 · 09/08/2019 16:34

I don’t think you have to move past the anger. Say you hope it’s a day very far away that it actually becomes relevant but that it feels like he values you and the hard work you do less. If people start looking at you for caring responsibilities then say care will have to be paid for or brother do it, seeming as you have your own dependants.