To think its truly crap trying to make friends as an adult.

[Honeypie19]

Ive been out of the game since having ds. I left my schoolfriend friends behind years ago as one of them treated me like shit, I stepped back and they stayed with her. I was alone for a number of years, had nobody to go out with etc.

Since having ds and him starting school things have changed and i've made 2 really good friends and a few acquaintances. The thing is they all have there own friendship groups already formed. so quite often they have other things planned which im not invited to. 1 friend is 10 years younger so she never includes anyone from school to her group things or nights out. the other one rarely goes out as it is but has lots of people with kids she can take her ds out with.

Dp is struggling with his own mental health right now and has his own friendship issues going on, How on earth do you make friends, where do you meet people. I currently am self employed and work from home - this is a thing I know I need to change so have been looking at part time jobs but in this area they go quite quickly. aibu to think its crap trying to meet people when you're older. then when you do how do you ask them out without sounding weird and creepy. Id love someone I could call and say hey lets go shopping, instead I always go alone and stare at the people who have someone to chat to. for certain things I wish I had a sister to share stuff like this with.

we should have adult friendship benches in open spaces!

I've made all my adult friends through my hobby, but I guess if I didn't have that ... Fuck knows!

It does suck ...

How'd you meet your partner?

Have you thought about volunteering?

Have you looked to see if there are any local groups you could join where you might meet other people? For example a choir or the WI.

Try MeetUp or a sociable sports activity that requires you to talk to people to get things done (rock climbing using ropes is a really good one here, because the centres usually introduce you to people who need climbing buddies as soon as your training is complete). You could also ask the local Rotary / Scouts club how you can get involved with volunteering.

Try being a class rep at the school? Organise coffee mornings, etc or some nights out? Make. WhatsApp group for the class?

Or start something like Pilates?

Does your DS not have birthday parties or friends over? You’re bound to meet other mums then, whether you like it or not!

It’s is really hard to make friends as an adult.

I think finding people through a hobby is a good one but it needs to be something sociable. Team sports would be good (not something I’ve the inclination for unfortunately). It’s worth checking out your local women’s institute. Some chapters have really embraced the drive for younger members.

Maybe join or become more involved with your dc’s school pta?

Thanks for replying,

I met my dp 20 years ago on a night out, we were both with our friendship groups at the time - and now weirdly neither of us see any from them!

Im only 39 so feel like every weekend is just passing me by. I have dp and its nice to sit and chill with but I do long for a friendship group again - just to have that support from people etc.

My job is a seamstress, I did do an evening course once in pattern making and made a friend through it - she turned out to be a total crank who wanted work doing for free, so wasn't a loss when we stopped speaking.

Build on the two friends you've made at school. Send them a message - either to one or both - saying "I'm going slightly spare here in the summer holidays - fancy going to the park with the DC sometime?"

Most parents really value some adult company in the summer holidays and someone for their DC, so they'll probably jump at the chance. Then you suggest taking a picnic - then it makes a subtle leap from a playdate to a picnic with friends.

IME, the job of organising social engagements - unless it's something like playdates where you take turns - usually falls on the person in the relationship who is least busy/most lonely. But usually the busy person is thrilled to have someone organise their social life for them. Good luck!

Once you've got small children, you social life does seem to be more picnics in parks and less going out clubbing, because everyone is so knackered. But that can be nice too.

You say 'part time jobs go quickly'

I'm 64 and was looking for part time work. I mainly searched through indeed they sent daily emails with relevant and not so relevant jobs.

I applied for quite a few (almost scatter gun approach as I was doubtful about employers being interested at 64 and I didn't want to get emotionally attached to a job I wasn't likely to get), within a couple of weeks a had 3 interviews and got a retail job with an 8 hour contract with the expectation of extra shifts every week. After taking this I was then offered 3 further interviews - one of which was for a post I really wanted so went for it and am already changing jobs. The 2 interviews I didn't go for were both part time, one retail and one office based.

It really is worth making the effort even if you don't feel confident. You may be surprised. I am now going to be doing 18 hours a week in a job that could have been written for me.

I make good cocktails, and on Friday afternoons would just invite a few women and their kids over -pretty hard to resist cocktails and cheese plate. We've moved countries a few times, hence having to make new friends every few years, and this is my easiest method. To start with I'm not fussy with who I invite and I would ask 3-4 people at once, doesn't matter if they don't know each other either.

I would go to as many groups / classes as you can (either for yourself or for the kids) start chatting to everyone you can, and invite folk out for coffee, or off out to a play date (for the kids).

I did this on maternity leave and met lots of new friends.

Best of luck

I completely get how you feel. We moved to a new area in December. I've only had one 'friend' come and visit or me visit her. Everyone else is too 'busy'.

I've not managed to make a single friend up here and I'm lonely as hell, even though I don't really like people 🙈

OP, I could have written your post. I have acquaintances but no real friends and we have no family living near by. Working FT means I don't do the school drop off so I only know 1 or 2 people through my DC's school.

I've just set up a monthly craft group in our village by posting on a community page on Fb one Saturday morning and asking if anyone wanted to come along. I got up and decided I had nothing to lose by doing so so posted and got 33 likes. I was just desperate to speak to someone who wasn't DH. 7 people turned up whilst, whilst not huge numbers, was 7 more people than I knew the day before. We brought our own work, crochet, card making etc. and had a drink in a pub. It was a start.

I'm not great at small talk type conversation so this is enough for me right now. I'd still love that great friend, but it's a step in the right direction. I'm also thinking of a sports group (maybe badminton) as you do some talk but not loads if you're in the middle of a shared activity where you can't stop and chat. Good luck OP.

Oops! Wrong thread.

As an adult I’ve made friends through:
Work
School gate
Internet

Not all have stuck around but that’s fine - sometimes friends are for a specific period of time. Tbh most of my closest friends are from my teens.

Haven’t got a hobby as such, but if you had one that could be good. Never met anyone in gym, I do book club with existing friends, etc.

@AlexaAmbidextra adults that believe in ghosts thread?

OP join lots of groups: reading/cycling/walking etc
Take up zumba, yoga or line dancing.
Enrol in a foreign language course at your local adult education centre.
Get involved with your child's school - ask other mums at pick up time.

I agree, making friends as an adult is so hard. More so for women I find, my husband will strike up any conversation with a guy in the gym easily, woman are far more sceptical and questioning beings.

TBH i make friends mainly through work, its the only place people tend to give people a chance to get to know them and vice versa.
But it has to happen naturally, forcing mum friends and at sporadic hobbies has never worked for me.

I’ve found making friends much easier as an adult that a teenager. I’m still in touch with 2 friends from school, but apart from that I have a group of friends I used to work with (some work for the same company still, majority have moved on), I’m friends with my neighbours, and I’ve got 2 groups of mum friends at school. I’m also on the pta, which means I’ve met other mums who I probably wouldn’t have spoken to otherwise (kids in other years etc)

Are you part time or full time? I go for lunch/coffee fairly often with school mums.

How old are your children? Play dates or days out over the summer, message a few mums, even if you don’t know them now you’ll get to know them. Or post on the class Facebook page and organise a trip to the local country park.

Join a reading group? It’s more chatty than yoga/pilates. Or a group sport, there’s a netball group my friend’s part of near me who go out together quite a lot.

Talk to people at the park. If they’ve got kids the same age it’s easy to start a conversation, find out if their kids go to the same school, ask if they want to walk to school together one day.

If your kids go to a club/dance/swimming lessons, chat to the parents there, mention you’re taking the kids to McDonald’s for tea on the way home if they want to join you.

We do an end of term drink for the mums of my son’s year group - could you organise something like that?

Sorry if these aren’t helpful, they’re just ways I’ve made friends as an adult with young kids.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers that’s interesting you say you think it’s easier for men because I make friends very easily but my husband hasn’t really added to his friendship group since he left school!

I am an adult who doesn’t want to make any ‘best’ friends and because I keep my distance I’m invited to everything 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ So my advice on these threads is to be friendly but slightly aloof. Nothing keeps people away like the scent of desperation.

I feel your pain. Unfortunately I’m also single and childless so my life is really quite isolated. I have lots of hobbies and have made “friends” through that but their family, understandably, will always come first. I’ve messaged a few saying to let me know if they want to meet up for a coffee or a trip to see a show or film but it’s hard to even get a response some times. For going into town for a look round shops etc, they’ve got sisters or sil’s and tend to do things with them and their kids so their own children have company.

I think people are largely content with their own little families and once the working week is out of the way they’re happy to just have downtime with them. It’s understandable, but hard when you’ve not much communication with the outside world. Like you, I feel the weekends and holidays just pass me by. I’ve been off work (I’m a teacher) for a few weeks now and have felt suicidal at times. It was the same in December/January. At 35, it seems I’ve been consigned to the scrap heap and it can be really hard to dig yourself out without a helping hand.

Exercise classes, IMO are the worst places to make friends. I could go to yoga or Pilates for months and not a soul would speak to me before or after class. Choirs, dance classes and craft groups are quite good though and I’ve made a couple of “friends” through church too.

I’ve written friends that way above because I’m not sure if you can really call people friends if you see them infrequently and if they don’t get back to you regularly when you text.

It seemed much simpler as a kid!

I know the feeling OP, I recently moved abroad and making friends is HARD! My colleagues are lovely but have kids/their own lives already and live in the suburbs.

Have you tried looking at meetup.com? They have different groups and you can pick what you are interested in to join. It is hit and miss I have to admit. I've made one friend through that.

One thing that has worked for me is the Bumble app, it is a dating app however there are other functions - one being a BFF finder which is solely for finding/making friends and then there's a business networking one too. You do not have to sign up to the dating bit to use any of the other functions. I'm not ready to date so am only on the friendship one.

I really recommend it as it allows you to meet people you may not usually come across and everyone is in the same boat as to trying to find friends.

Also, if you're into reading, try looking for book clubs in your area too.

I know what you mean.

I want friends but I don’t want to feel pressured to have to do things with them. I’m not good at committing to things. I want company, but I love being alone.

I’m a strange kind of person!

osirus you just described me! I could have gone to the pictures today with dp and ds but instead im home, feeling sorry for myself with a bug and wondering why im so lonely!

I do gym classes almost every day of the week apart from weekends, nobody has ever spoken to me before or after the class, its a family type leisure environment so baths, gym, classes etc.

My son is in beavers i've spoke with a couple of other mums when dropping off/collecting but nothing to the point of hey lets meet for a drink. Im also on the PTA and have met quite a few people, we have varied lifestyles though and none of the people ive met (as lovely as they are, I click with enough t want to spend time with.

I do have my 2 friends that we do stuff regularly with, I had to for Ds's sake as hes an only child I didnt want his holidays spent alone depressed so I would always be out with him - the friends id like though are for me - someone to chat to when dp is annoying me, someone to call up and say hey lets go out for a drink tonight - I won 4 tickets for a concert tonight through a competition - I had to give them to my stepmom as I dont know 4 people to take with me.

Ill look at the bumble app though, not heard of that - and I think im signed up to meet up still from quite a while ago. the craft group is a good idea too. thanks everyone.