To think I will never get child maintenance

[PumpkinP]

My ex doesn’t see our children and hasn’t done in 2 years (well he has seen them about 3 times in 2 years) he also doesn’t pay any maintenance and has pretty much never paid any, he seems to have been able to just completely walk away and I can’t even get any maintenance off him.

I got a letter about 2 months ago to say he was now receiving benefits (before that he wasn’t working or claiming benefits apparently) but that was 2 months ago and still no payment. Cms have been useless and just tell me to give it another couple of weeks every time I call. Aibu to just accept we will never get any child maintenance?! A lot of people on here seem to not realise that some people don’t get a penny, I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s paid over the years.

I accepted it at about the 5 year mark. I am
now into the 11th year. It is shit.

Cms can take forever. I applied for child maintenance last Oct and didnt get a payment until around late December/early Jan (cant remember exactly). The payment was due early December. It was late because they gave him my bank details and it was left to him to make the payments himself. As he was so late and i didnt want it happening every month, i requested for them to change it to them automatically taking the money from him each month and transferring to me so now i get a payment every 27th of the month guaranteed. I wouldnt give up. My ex is on benefits too and i know its not much money but its better than nothing i guess

I was in the same boat, except ExH sees DD every other weekend for about 24 hours (his choice).
I went to CMS and they wrote to him so he quit his job and didn't claim benefits - no taxable income = no maintenance.
He lived off his girlfriend until he found another job but said if I go after him again for maintenance he'll quit again.

It’s already on collect and pay as he will never give it willingly, he has told me he will never get a job we will only ever get the bare minimum, if we even get that!

I have had a letter from CMS stating how much my exh owes in CM. The child is an adult.

So many men (I use the term loosely) have children and do all they can to evade responsibility for them.

Unfortunately there's no moral pressure in this country to be responsible, to the point that parents seeking maintenance have been labelled scroungers in my hearing g on a few occasions in social situations. I think that's just the UK norm. It's awful and the slow system, burden of proof sustem certainly favours the absentee/ abandonING parent

It’s a disgrace and should be an automotive fine or something - personally I’d say imprisonment. No where else do we not get to pay our dues and get off Scott free

My eh threatened suicide and a written letter to the kids stating it was my fault if I carried on with the claim. He had already started it off by going on the sick due to mental health problems.
Wasn't worth the hassle in the end 🙄

Just know that you are doing the best for your children. Fuck em.

He lived off his girlfriend until he found another job but said if I go after him again for maintenance he'll quit again.

I'd claim, fuck him, his gf will realise what a cunt he is!

Scrounging yep I’ve heard that one before, apparently I only had children so I could get money off him?! And when I have asked in the past for him to contribute I got “you don’t have kids to get paid”

I think he genuinely believes the things he says, when I first moved into my house a few years ago I asked him to help pay half towards the childrens beds since he doesn’t pay any maintenance and he said he wasn’t paying to do up my house! He has since decided to just not see them at all. It does annoy me that he gets away with it and there are no consequences

No, there are no consequences. But, they will never have their children’s respect and where they don’t see their children, will not have the experience of watching them grow, learn and develop.

his gf will realise what a cunt he is!

Way too many women happy to be with men who don’t support their children. I wouldn’t count on it causing problems for him.

There are no financial consequences.

But speaking as a child of a father who left my mother destitute with his debts after leaving her for OW and never paying a penny in maintenance - I can tell you I have no respect or love for him and have been NC for years. Your children will realise when they are old enough.

Hmm I hope they do but I know a lot of children end up idolising the absent father sadly

It’s disgusting and inexcusable that the government allow this to happen frankly, even when you do get maintenance, it’s often a pathetic amount, nowhere near half the cost of raising a child.

@PumpkinP I know a few adult children who do not seem able to remember that there was only one adult in their home while they were growing up.
In one case the absent father is a known liar and manipulator and has convinced the adult children that the parent with care is/was a bad lot. It is to be hoped that either the adult children see through it all eventually and that the parent who brought them up is in a forgiving frame of mind when/if they do.

Children should be told the truth from the age they can understand so 9 and up depending on the child's maturity. That way lies and manipulation won't happen.

Adult children who do this to the parent who stayed and cared are ridiculous. I would go nc with my own children if they did that to me.. Well maybe not but I would be very upset and disappointed.

Mothers who don't tell the truth do their children a wrong in aiding the other parent, to keep up a pretence. Sorry but if the father does not want to see the child then the worst thing to do is to keep chasing them, as your child is not stupid and they will know it is forced contact.

It's better to be a strong parent and to be both mum and dad for your child.. It more of a protection from being let down and knowing that your dad can't be bothered to do much with you.

You as a mother need to mitigate his uselessness and say to your child he does not want to be involved, it's not you and it is him. Children do understand and whilst sad, it's better then having half hearted contact just because society feels the mother should do so. It's not in the best interests of the child.

The child's best interests is to have two fully engaged parents, if they have one then that's good and better as forcing the useless parent usually just causes more damage.

Same applies to maintenance, children know who pays for them. They really do from a certain age and if he never steps up then yes its tough but you need to just get on with it.

There should be more societal pressure but since women can be the worst for shaming women who go for maintenance or say things like "well be happy you get £40 per weekas I only get £10", nothing will change.

The attitudes in the UK need to change and its one thing America does well. You can go to prison or face fines and the debt follows you for your whole life as a priority debt as it should be a priority.

The UK makes it too easy to dodge paying and men and women back up the non payer. Why would a woman choose to date a man who does not pay for his children?? Yet this is the norm...