to be totally burnt out emotionally and mentally

[friedaklein]

I have DD 1 who is 19, and DS 15. Been through the wringer with DD. Began with the usual teen rebellion- unsuitable tattoos and boyfriends- then she developed a chronic disease, did badly in her A levels because of it, had to resit, then take a gap year to rest and recover. During this time I was effectively a single mom as DH was working away and could not find a job with us in a hurry. She's got into uni now, and I am v proud of her. DH is back to help.

But I am just so, so tired. DD will likely need more support in the future. Even before the disease she was hard going and needed a lot of nurturing. I feel like I have exhausted all my emotional reserves on her and have none left to spare for DS. I realised how spent I was when my 75 year old mom came down with bad flu lately and I just could not muster up the strength to be as caring as I should have been. I can';t imagine picking myself up to get DS through GCSEs and all the teen problems that await. I am just running on empty.

Other factors: I am 47 and going through a tough peri-menopause. Have always been full of energy but lately I am so tired. Got the usual tests and nothing wrong. No HRT recommended for my history so just soldiering on.

DS is much less hard work than DD, but he still needs some care. DH is v busy in a v stressful job which is the only one available for someone of his age, but he has persuaded me to get a cleaner. Did not make much difference by which I have concluded that I am not physically burnt out but just emotionally.

I also have my elderly mother to take care of as my only sibling is in Australia and won't be returning. I look ahead and see endless years of caregiving or emotional effort in my future.

All I can say is ‘Yes’. I recognise this. It will pass, but you will probably have to accept that you can’t be everything that others want you to be. I understand. I don’t have a solution.

I think now your dd is an adult and in uni if she needs emotional support she can access the university's wellbeing service. She will have to make her own support network and learn to be independent. I realise this sounds very harsh but it doesnt sound like you have a lot more to give her at the moment so helping her to be more independent and not lean on you will help the both of you. Lots of YP who have suffered traumatic upbringings and have been in foster care go on to uni and do well. Your dd hasn't really got an excuse compared to their lifes.

I also think you need a break from life at the moment. Would it be possible for your DS to stay at your dms and you go on a two week retreat somewhere? It sounds like you need some peace from the care taking demands from your family. If you do not look after yourself you could completely burn out and damage your mental health long term.

Your DS might not be as demanding as your dd. He could also be persuaded to visit his gran one day a week to give you a break from worrying about her. Plus he could help with small things she may start struggling with as she ages more.

Please do not continue to carry your dd. This will not do her any favours long term. Being independent will increase her confidence in herself and her life after uni will be better for it. When YP start taking responsibility they flourish.

Your DH might have a stressful job but he doesn't get to emotionally check out of being a parent, he needs to step up with DS as you've been through the wringer with DD and are now a carer for your elderly mother. Moving away to uni can be tough, so DD might need some support too, you need to be a team, he can't outsource everything

I think it’s very hard to get out of this state. I say this as I have three kids and two have special needs. One will need lifetime care with us. With me as his carer. It’s very very hard. My reserves have gone on caring plus a court battle and I’m exhausted. Do you do anything for you? A few people have suggested yoga or swimming.

I have been where you are, and am feeling similar at the moment. It is essential that you can put yourself first sometimes. Can you have some time to yourself each day to do something you want to do? Or have a guilt free amount of money to spend each week on something that you will enjoy? Sometimes we are stuck in situations that just aren’t going to get better for a long time (if at all) and it is so easy to become stuck in negativity and exhaustion. If at all possible could you have a short holiday? Just something to look forward to each day can make a world of difference.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

My post was a bit of a brain dump, and I didn't manage to get everything in.

I work 3 days a week (planning to go up but happy for now) so I do get time to myself, and have had short holidays In fact, I am booked in for one right after dd goes off to uni. Two weeks might be tough but I will work on that. I do swim as well. I am probably luckier than most in that regard. I do find that I take myself with me on holiday and often can't "switch off."

I have also started therapy but not very helpful so far. I am considering anti-depressants; it is entirely possible I may be a bit depressed.

Fizzypoo, I appreciate your input and I do not find it harsh. I may well have fallen into the trap of "carrying" my DD and yes, we have a good support team in place at uni.

Always grey , I am sorry to hear about your situation. You really have a lot on your plate. Special needs is a whole different ball game and I would not in any way compare myself to you. I know I just need a bit of a break from this role.

WhyBirdStop, I wouldn't say DH has checked out, just that I tend to be more at home and thus on call for various things.

I think I really didn't anticipate how tough teenagers are.

I'm reading a book at the moment and this chapter is called promoting self care behaviours. When your dd goes to uni being able to practise the bullet points in the attached pic will help her and help you.

Supportive your dd to be solution focused will massively help. Positive action and not wallowing, wanting you to help her will mean she will be resilient enough for uni.

Maybe you need a hobby that will keep your attention if you can't switch off.

Fizzypoo - what’s the book please? Looks like it may be useful for my work.

OP, sounds really tough. Hope some of the advice above is helpful for you. I was a very difficult teen (depressed) for my mother, but was able to find the support I needed at uni, mostly.

@parrotonmyshoulder practical interventions for young people at risk. It's quite a old book (think the latest study in it is 2007) but its advice is still sound.

The advice I would give you is as follows

1). Sort the care issue out now. Your priority is you and your dc. Has your dm got savings or property she can use to raise money for care ? Look into it and discuss with her if appropriate but you need to have that weight lifted now as it can be crushing.

2). My teenage dd has a lifelong chronic condition too we have found support from the gp and please look into disability payments

3). Prioritise time for yourself and if finances allows outsource some jobs or get a cleaner you need to make things as easy as possible for yourself

4. nutrition , get a good supplement and get your thyroid tested and eat as well as you can