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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or was this bitchy?

52 replies

User463729 · 09/08/2019 06:16

My boyfriend recently got accepted onto a training course which should massively improve his employment prospects. To celebrate, his parents took us out for a meal. His older brother and brother's wife came too.

We had a nice meal, and then as we were leaving BIL's wife thanked his parents for the meal and then said to my boyfriend 'and thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate!'.

Am I being sensitive or was this a slightly bitchy comment? It seemed to me to imply that my boyfriend hasn't given anyone reason to celebrate before?

For some background context, my BIL and his wife have basically led a charmed life. They both got first class degrees from a top university, have great jobs, have had promotions etc. My boyfriend has struggled a bit more - got ok A-levels but dropped out of university and since then has worked in a supermarket. It's taken him a bit longer to find what he wants to do (this course will really help with that). I am really proud of him and he's a good person and a hard worker, and I just felt like she was drawing attention to him having had less 'reasons to celebrate'. We have all gone for dinner a few times to celebrate new jobs / promotions for BIL and his wife.

I wouldn't say anything to BIL's wife or anything like that, and I haven't said anything to my boyfriend (I don't want him to think she was being mean if that hasn't occurred to him, or accuse her of being bitchy if I am just being oversensitive). But AIBU to think it wasn't that nice a comment, and she could have just congratulated him?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 09/08/2019 06:49

'But I think I have my own insecurities about how it's viewed by his family.'

I think so too. Way to much over thinking.

Hope his course goes well Op sounds like a really positive step

CatteStreet · 09/08/2019 06:50

I think the comment was fine.

Tbh, if the parents felt they had to fill out job applications for him, it may be that perhaps they see a certain lack of drive/focus/organisation in him that they find a bit difficult to see the effects of? You don't give any context in your OP as to why he left university etc. But I know I find it hard to see my dc not using their considerable potential, and they're a lot younger. The laziness (and it definitely is in my dc's case) does frustrate me, and while they're young enough I do make sure I give them a bit of a push. Of course, there does come a point where such interventions are inappropriate. I presume they're not still applying for jobs for him.

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 06:51

It comes across that you feel embarrassed or awkward about him not doing as well as his brother tbh. You seem very bothered about trying to get across how hard he’s worked, that he’s just as good as his brother. Don’t let your own insecurities cloud your judgement.

tempester28 · 09/08/2019 06:54

No, she means he gave you all a reason to go out together. I would assume it is not a bitchy comment.

hellodarkness · 09/08/2019 06:54

Well if your bf's family have never actually said anything even remotely negative about his choices, why do you presume to know what they think? Is it because it's what you think when you look at him and his brother?

TheKrakening3 · 09/08/2019 06:54

It was fine. If she had said ‘thanks for finally giving us a reason to celebrate’ that would have been bitchy.

MakeItRain · 09/08/2019 06:54

I think it's possible that this might have been a passive aggressive comment. It's difficult to be sure because in "normal" circumstances it's a lovely thing to say.

But in circumstances you describe, where for years his family have been celebrating the achievements of his siblings, and never him, it could actually have meant "thanks for FINALLY giving us a reason to celebrate".

I think for now accept it at face value, and see how they are with him generally. You'll probably find out how they really feel about him the more you get to know them.

Original poster
User463729 · 09/08/2019 06:55

@Rachelover40 @MarthasGinYard thank you ❤️

@CatteStreet No, they don't do that any more! I think they could see it was getting him down a bit.

It is probably true to say that my boyfriend isn't ambitious, but it also just took him quite a while to find what he wanted to do. He's really excited about this course and already doing prep work for it (non-compulsory). I don't think everyone finds their passion at a young age. And in the mean time he has worked hard at his job and been responsible about it.

His parents have been really positive about this course, so he does have good family support.

OP posts:
namby · 09/08/2019 06:57

Holy crap threads like this make me scared to ever open my mouth again.

Constance1234 · 09/08/2019 06:59

It sounds like she was saying ‘thanks for giving us a reason to get together’ rather than anything more sinister. Agree with the pp, you do sound a bit jealous of them! Also you sound a bit ashamed of your boyfriend and like you are focusing on comparing him unfavourably to his brother.

Original poster
User463729 · 09/08/2019 07:00

Well if your bf's family have never actually said anything even remotely negative about his choices, why do you presume to know what they think? Is it because it's what you think when you look at him and his brother?

They haven't been outright negative but they've said some things that have been difficult for him. They used to say 'he won't be working in a supermarket forever!' and it was obviously meant to be supportive but it had the opposite effect. It was all well intentioned I think but not always well executed.

OP posts:
Original poster
User463729 · 09/08/2019 07:01

I'm not ashamed of my boyfriend - we met at work, so it's not like I'm judging him for his job.

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 09/08/2019 07:02

I think this thread has shown you how easily a comment can be taken in the wrong way. Your 'charmed life' comment was immediately seen by many posters as bitchy and jealous, though you later said its not what you meant, so maybe use that as an example. It's great that you are so proud of your bf but do be aware that there is lots you won't know (or only have his version of) about his earlier choices so if they do have any issues, they may be justified.

Jeezoh · 09/08/2019 07:04

You sound a bit over sensitive about the situation, sounds like a perfectly innocuous comment to me.

MollyButton · 09/08/2019 07:18

I think the issue is not so much how your BF's parents and relations see him - but your perception of how they view you.
Do you feel inferior? Do you feel looked down on? Do you feel that they see you as just a stop gap until her finds someone "better"?

Its only by acknowledging these kinds of negative thoughts that you can really get rid of them.

And I have to admit I have a lot of sympathy with his parents. As I have struggled with my own children having crisis, and not always dealt with it in the best way. But actually when your child is "dropping out" and is unable to do anything, you get a lot of advice about tough love, and a lot less about stress and mental health crisis, and the need to give time to let your children work it out for themselves. And it is very hard as a parent to do nothing.
And in my experience no one has a charmed life, people have to work hard and crisis hit everyone at one point or another.
And I spend a lot of time talking to people about their jobs. And there are some "low status jobs" which the average "corporate lawyer" etc. would love to have - for the lack of phone calls during leisure time, lack of being expected to work loads of extra hours without extra pay and so on.

BillieEilish · 09/08/2019 07:31

Not bitchy at all. Really nice. I see you realise that now so Good Luck.

Howyiz · 09/08/2019 07:34

To be honest, you are the one who sounds bitchy OP, like you have a massive chip on your shoulder.
I would worry about why you want to make something negative out of a nice comment. Is sounds like you are insecure and are then attributing negative meanings to things they say even when you acknowledge that the comments weren't meant the way you are taking them up.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 09/08/2019 07:35

It was a nice comment indicating that she enjoyed having a reason for you all to get together.
You've read waaaay to much in to it.
Just chill and enjoy the moment, congrats to your boyf.

Roussette · 09/08/2019 07:45

Yes you are being over sensitive and it's good you've realised that.

They sound like a lovely family, wanting to celebrate your boyfriend's success in getting on this course and when I read the comment from your BIL's wife... my first thought was 'what a lovely thing to say'. She's attributing a really nice evening down to your boyfriend. And that's nice.

Something tells me it's you that worries more about your boyfriend's career path than they do!

KUGA · 09/08/2019 07:55

Don't feel ridiculous.
We all make mistakes I also don't think she meant anything by the comment.

TwistyTop · 09/08/2019 08:01

Nah, you're just projecting. It was a nice, normal comment. A meaningless statement - it's like when someone says "get home safe!". You wouldn't then think to yourself "is that a dig at my driving?". You'd just say thanks and go home.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/08/2019 08:09

Just enjoy the achievement. It really sounds like everyone is really happy for your boyfriend.

Frankola · 09/08/2019 08:15

I think you're a bit touchy about them, rather than them being bitchy.

I have a good degree. I have a good job and had several promotions. Those things have not landed on my lap. I work very very hard and I've paid for my degree. I'm sure your SIL and BIL are the same.

Sceptre86 · 09/08/2019 08:21

Yabu, it doesn't in itself sound like there is any malice behind it, unless she has form for that kind of thing. As for your own insecurities about how your boyfriend is perceived by his own family, you need to work on these, as it is really none of your business. Hopefully they wouldn't make him feel 'less' than his brother for not achieving the same heights. If in private his parents remark how both kids had the same opportunities and one has achieved greater success than the other then I really don't see why that would be a big deal. His brother has done 'better' than him so far career wise, doesn't mean it will always be like that but so what? It is possible to celebrate someone else's success without feeling hard done by or that people are comparing you.

SunshineCake · 09/08/2019 08:28

Not bitchy. Didn't want to thank the payer without thanking the reason for the dinner. She was honouring his achievements in my opinion.

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